Today I Struggle

 I am tired of being an invalid unable to even to turn myself over in bed. Tired of not being able to get out of bed when I want.  I know those that live, my family first and foremost want me to fight on, to remain, even though they have so much hands on care they must give me; how much they must stay home so mom’s not alone, all the meals and drinks they prepare for me, all the clean ups, not just of me, but the whole house, which has now become their responsibility.  As a mom/wife it is so hard for me to watch all this around me.

Jesus is with me.  I can’t imagine how bitter one could become without Him, without Hope in Him.  Hence my prayer today is for total healing – THIS WEEK – or sooner.  May I be healed fully on earth or fully in Heaven – I am so ready for either.  Please pray this for me.  I don’t know how it works.  Does he let me just enter into this – or do I have to continue through the ravages of the cancer progression?

I can hardly imagine continuing on.  My attitude is so on the brink of despondency.  This is not a place I am very familiar with.  I don’t like it.  Nor do I like the desire to give up – but is it giving up to want to be free from chains?  Is it giving up to want to be healthy?  Or is it part of my fabric and fiber?  I’m told I’m still needed on earth?  I don’t feel needed, rather needy. 

Help me Lord Jesus to continue on as you choose.  But please choose healing – and soon.

Rest

 

Last night my pillow seemed hard, uncomfortable, too solid.  I reached to change its position only to realize it was quite soft and pliable.  But my senses had told me otherwise.  I lay there realizing that my situation with cancer seems somehow the same.  I am uncomfortable, find it difficult to move, get up, turn over.  Yet when I reach out to actually change my position, I am still pliable and have the strength to turn over and get up.

I am finding it stranger than ever to deal with cancer.  Before it was just there – but did not so much affect my movements or energy, my moods or motivations.  It is different now.  I find sleep a welcome friend.  Sometimes just laying, staring, thinking nothing is the most enjoyable activity of  my hour.  That doesn’t generally characterize me at all – hence this is a strange journey.

But when I do get out – when I have the energy and motivation to – how I enjoy it!  Yes I need the wheel chair; or if the distance is short, my walker. To see the outdoors, to drive through the streets, to stop and have coffee, or watch some Spike ball at the park, to go to church and be with people, to worship, and to fall asleep in church, to have visitors – these are my joys. 

The Word of God remains my strong place.  When discouragement sets in, or that sense of wondering where this is all leading, God’s Word reminds me of the Truth.  He is my joy and my hope, my Healer.  I am on a path – I’m on it with God.  I don’t feel I have much control of where it is leading me – yet what else can I do, but keep on walking it?

I know I’ve not been communicating much lately.  There’s not much to say about lying around all day and being content with it. Yet there is something comforting about being okay with doing nothing.  There is a rest and peace about it that defies explanation.  There is no guilt or regrets.  It just feels right to rest.  So, I guess that describes my days – rest.

Kicked out of Hospice

One of the first questions I was asked when I was quite ill in the hospital was “What are you hoping for?”  Random question.  Do I answer it with a question?  Do I get no preamble or explanation?  I was out of it and drugged.  I wanted to live out the number of days God gives me.  I want to continue being wife and mom, as long as God grants. I answered, "I want to live."

Hospice personnel filed that “wrong” little answer in their notebook and have continued to come back to it.  Two days ago the social worker and head nurse once again confirmed that I want to live rather than die.  As a result, I am now down-graded from Hospice care to Palliative Care.  Hospice is only for those who want to die.

My oncologist continues to desire to monitor my blood work and treat the cancer so that I have less pain, become more mobile, extend my life, and perhaps get a blood transfusion so I can regain energy.  These are not allowed in Hospice – only comfort measures on the passageway to dying.

It was absolutely surreal to sit and talk with these people.  My mouth was agape!  I queried,  "Are you like a death squad?  Is this really what you tell patients – that their only option is to desire to die?  You really don’t encourage the spark of life inside to bloom and grab on to a few more months?"  I really like all my home care people.  So it is a struggle for me to let them go.  They say I’ll have nice ones with Pallative care too.

Yet, I must admit, a month ago, in the hospital, that was mostly where my mind was – that this was the last passage; there was peace, and I desired ease and lack of pain.  So, I don’t say this to judge those in hospice – but rather to say it was just a very strange conversation and a bit spooky now that I’m “out of hospice” category.

I am upgraded!  I am eating better.  I’m a bit more mobile.  Help is still needed around here, but I am no longer fearful to be left alone for short times.  We will work on a new plan.  Hospice was free, Palliative is not – back to the drawing board.  God is faithful – always!

My heart continues to be full of joy and anticipation of what is around the corner of each day, of each minute.

"This Was a Good Day – But it Was a Different Day"

These are the words I spoke to Dave before I dropped off to sleep last night.  "Good" and "Different" have changed their definitions over the months.  Now, good is receiving news of better blood work results.  But still "Good" like a hike to the top of the Whittier Hills, being able to see the Hollywood Sign on one side and Mt Baldy to the other, and then the red cranes at Long Beach – sometimes even Catalina Island. 

"Good" are the short visits from friends; invigorating, like the a 6 am run to Michigan Park, running through Whittier College, stopping for short conversations with a bunch of  guys gathered in the dark near a building doing some frat kind of thing in the morning dark.  "Good" like a morning swim at Palm Park under starry skies, that change to deep blue, and orange and red and reflect amazing iridescence off the rippling pool water.  Morning enchantment.  Now, shampoos poured over my head into a basin – a fresh baptism, refreshment. Different, good.

Accomplishments are cheered.  No longer that I made it to the top of Mt. Whitney, or Baldy or Badin Powell… but that I used the walker and and circled the house.  I sat on the couch and could see two more rooms.  I went outside to the patio and painted a flower.  My thrill, tears, laughter, joy, happiness, match those huge strides of the past.  Emotions are great that way.  Jesus is joy!  He allows me such a wide range of appreciation!  Laughter comes easily.

There are the struggles.  A friend stopped by to pray with me and helped me pinpoint guilt that I feel being dependent.  Fear is a component, as is control.  How can I ensure that I don’t control the lives of my family and close friends?  How can I still be cared for?  What if I don’t get strong enough, fast enough and everyone grows bitter and weary in service?  What if the well grows dry?  I pray for healing so I can do again, or I think to go home with Jesus, and free up everyone’s responsibilities of me.

This is one of those things I can deal with in my head and figure out – but my heart, my deepest belief system needs to catch up.  After prayer, I knew that there was a break through, but it must go deeper, for I laid awake too long last night wondering what we will do next week for my care.  I asked Dave to help pray for me.  He did.  But "control" wanted him to grab the schedule and make the plan, not jut pray for peace. 

LOOK, I say to my soul, how FAITHFUL God has been, why do you worry?  Dave prayed exactly as he should have.  Oh my soul, REST, TRUST.  We are each exactly in the place Jesus would have us.  I asked not for cancer and bedtime.  My friends and family have not asked that I be here.  Yet God has allowed these places.  And He IS glorified in them.  As He asks of others there has only been guilt free, joyful response.  It is my part to trust the Holy Spirit and rest in His guidance – REST.  Trust.  Wait and see what the LORD will do.  I am on a path with this cancer.  Others are on crazy paths with friends and family–  plates are full for today.  God leads and guides them, not me.  Release control. Trust, Laugh, Wait.

Over the weeks, there is always Dave and my kids, but also He has brought friends, relatives, sister-in-law, Kansas friend.  It has all fit, impeccably.  It is a day by day, moment by moment trust.  Conversation last night with friends was about a 1,000 mile bike trip I made with my friend Susi when we were in our young twenties from LA to Colorado Springs.  We had a rough map and went for it, never quite knowing where we’d purchase our next meal, or spend our next night.  We experienced the thrill of adventure to see how God would provide.  Well, here’s to my next adventure.  Please join me in praying for more of that absolute trust, anticipation of surprise, planning without guilt (allowing God to call people forward in joy, not guilt or control on my part).

Some may have heard that Seth is moving out this week.  I am super excited for this next step in his life.  I bless him.  Yet, he has been a rock and steady presence for me here at home.  I’m sure that is playing into my angst a bit. Nevertheless - my excitement for his next chapter, far exceeds the angst!  I continue to bless my kids with freedom.   How I love my family!!!

In case you missed the latest health update - in a nutshell: Blood work came back yesterday that the tumor marker fell a lot again.  It is back to what it was in March '14!  Still high - but dang - going in the right direction now.  The calcium levels that were so high that I ended up in the hospital twice this month are now normal!  My pain level is managed now.  The main thing is my weakness/energy level. I'm anemic. The doc recommends a blood transfusion so I can start feeling normal again.  I was quite hoping he'd shoot me up today so I could do go a David Wilcox concert at our little local Whittier College tomorrow night.  I've had the tickets for several months, purchased by faith.  But, I don't know - I'm pretty wiped out at 8 pm. 

There you have it!  Good days - new definitions!

CORRECTIONS/ Additions - Oct 4, 2014

 Grace

Since my last blog submission my computer died, and I have not looked at one response, like or dislike.  I am ashamed.  I never submit until I’ve sat on a pre-submission for at least 3 or 4 days and transformed it to what I really want it to stay.  Last time I had this incredible sense of urgency to just get it out there.  Not my style.

The underlying problem: I have one set of doctors telling me there are some months left for me, and another set saying weeks; there is a bit of pressure on.  I’m still holding out for the miracle on earth… this thing still happens. Yet it leaves me with an urgency to get everything done, and fast.

So I sent it, with some regret, undone.  I will not change it, rather

correct a serious omission -

Grace. 

I ask forgiveness of  all of you who have moved passed the stage, or matured through the stage of marriage being simply, "blood, tears, sweat, and poop" and also to those who are not faking/lying. 

Because they found  Jesus’ way.  We do finally look away from the years of “Let me explain again why I do what I do, and let me please keep fixing you.”

We finally ask Jesus – How do you “do” relationship?  He responds, “What have you seen?”  “Well, I see Grace.  I blow it; you love me.  You overlook my mess, and you love the new creation that is You in Me.  You never condemn me.  You laugh, you hold me, you pick me up.  You don’t blame me; you get me. You forgive and NEVER take offense.”

He tells me to do the same with others.

Life of Grace.  In marriage it so refreshing.  No offense.  ah.  Laughter returns.  Freedom returns.  Kindness reigns.  Peace rests.  This is the marriage I do see in others, once they gave up the “fix-it” and “self-defense jobs.”  This is what Dave and I are living in the midst of  ….in sickness.

This is how the last blog is now ending.

Thanks for listening.  Sorry for the offense.  Yet, in fact, with Grace, no offense was taken I’m sure.

“In Sickness…” and Honoring my husband David

 We stood at the altar over 25 years ago and said that line to each other – “In sickness and in health, till death do us part.”  We had an idea what we were talking about, both barely 30.  But now!  We get it.

I started getting him ready for the sickness stuff on our honeymoon.  I cried and had a panic attack at the Maui Airport. (He still can't figure out how his world traveling wife hit that wall.)  Not the first crying fit.  

Losing our first baby was hard.  The ambulance, ER, hospital.  I hit very early menopause with kids at ages 2, 4, and 6 and needed to call a friend one midday: I’m coming over now.  I don’t care if your kids are vomiting, napping, anything.  I’m about to either bite my kids' heads off  or scream at them.  And they are precious and loved, and I don’t want to be a monster mommy.  I need to be accountable - right now!  Dave worked with me through it all.  Loving me.  Thank God that didn’t last long.

The first cancer when our kids were 12, 14, 16.  And Dave and I began learning what that “sickness” vow was truly about.  How often he held me as I moaned in pain.  He washed me, fed me, sang to me.  He carted me unwillingly to the ER.  I was always so stubborn about hospitals.  Mostly the ER.  You get stuck there.  And cry a lot.  The hospital was different, when I was strong, walking the halls, I’d read everything and learned about patient rights.  Ha, ha.  Then I became “that patient.”  (Overplayed the cards sometimes.)

Cancer number two, the next year.  Stage 4, 3 ½ years later.  Dave hung in there through all those chemo treatments.  I wanted to quit all treatments.  He urged me on.  He prayed over me.  He saved me.  (Jesus too, of course.)  Now… shall we talk about all that he does to care for me, say, below my waist?  No.  I stand in awe of such a servant. 

He’s a self-employed man who does not have the luxury of taking family leave for 3 months to take me through this.  He gives until he’s worn out.  Last night at ten he laid down only to hear me say, “Uh, Dave, one more thing…” another half hour of his precious sleep time.  Frequent occurrence – usually much later.  And he helps with the shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning. (and thanks to many who are pitching in with my care and the rest of “my” duties.)

Who could ever criticize this man?  Uh, me.  I’m sure you’ve heard me over the years.  We wives do that.  Partly to remind people, “No, we are not a perfect couple.  And secondly, that this marriage is forged in blood, sweat, tears, and poop.  Many marriages are forged the same.” 

Another example of missing the forest for the trees - I’m the budget gal, our family generally had no budget for fun drinks when we’re out… except for Dave… took me years to let him have that freedom.  (Nancy, Kelly, my mom, others, continue to free me up by example.  We’ve  all since been known to get something besides water!)   My gripes have gone much deeper.  What a waste - all that criticism.  How could I miss how privileged I am to be married to him?  Ain't none of us perfect.

The things he loves I didn't do often enough, I do now.  I hold his face when he kisses me.  I kiss his cheeks.  He loves that.  Why did I not slow down enough before?

He is talkative, yet he has led our family by example.  He has shown our kids how to love a wife by loving me so well.  Every anniversary, he’s taken me away for a weekend – even if postponed by births.  How I hope that my son has studied him well, and will learn such a servant heart for his future bride.  I hope my daughters will marry a man like him. They will forever be his crowning jewel, as I am Dave's.

If Jesus chooses healing for me on this side, I will return to those stupid struggles.  It’s what we do.  I hope though, I am greatly improved.

The Veil

Time for a health update, and “what I’ve been thinking about” update. 

Bad news, then good news: Three weeks ago the tumor marker climbed a hugely; and my liver enzyme test showed signs of a failing liver.  The oncologist explained that the diseased liver may be a side effect of the meds I’m taking to stall the cancer, rather than from the cancer itself, since the last CT Scan showed some improvement of the liver tumors.  The oncologist wanted to stop the meds, but I didn’t, because that could mean returning to the extreme pain I had. So, we compromised and cut the dosage in half and checked again last week to see if anything changed.  Indeed it had.  The liver is almost back to normal and the trajectory of that tumor marker certainly slowed down.  I am quite relieved that I don’t have to make a decision about the next treatment cycle.

And as for my title, The Veil, that refelects bit of bad news then good news too.  I guess the bad news would more aptly be called The Shroud.  I have become weary of people sending me the latest cancer cure - but without having done the research to see if that particular cure works with this particular type of cancer.  I’m the only researcher in the house, and do take seriously that I should do what I can in this fight. I can’t begin to make people understand how much studying I have done and money we’ve spent for a cure, as well as how strict my diet had been.  I have also had lots of healing prayers - and by several people with the gift of healing.  Then there have been all the inner/recall healing sessions, that were helpful, but seemed to come down to "if you missed something or don't work hard enough - you die."  This past month I hit some invisible wall of impatience or “that’s enough already!” as a few people actually reprimanded me for not taking “their” cure more seriously.  Any goon squads out there for hire?  (Just kidding.)   I do reserve the right to stop researching and trying the “latest and greatest” and would love it if people would keep their criticisms to themselves at that time.  (Alright, I got that out – and I hope I don’t need to return to that subject.)  And IF you are someone who has found the cure for cancer, and must share it with me, I just ask that you check to see if there is any evidence that it has cured someone - more than once -  with metastatic breast cancer to the bones and liver.  You'll save me the time.  All that has felt like a shroud to my freedom.

Another shroud to my soul has been a rash of bad news in the past two weeks – death of a friend who was in Mexico with me; others who have hit relapses with cancer, or are now facing cancer for the first time; the rape of a friend’s daughter.  The list could go on.  But you get the idea.  I feel such a sadness.

The ups and downs of test results make me a bit weary too – or maybe it’s the cancer that tires me out.  Not quite sure, but I am wanting my naps.  On the pain spectrum – well it’s still quite manageable.  I can get along without a walker or cane.  I will use a wheel chair if I have to walk a considerable distance – but I haven’t needed that since Seth’s graduation.  I am still driving, and doing light cooking and cleaning.  All is good that way.  As you continue to pray – of course, keep asking for complete healing, as I do, but in the short term pray for that gray fog to stay away from my emotions.

Now on to good news.  I continue to get my greatest encouragement from the Word of God.  Here’s just a couple observations:

Whenever anyone turns to the Lord the veil is taken away.  2 Corinthians 3:16

I can’t help but picture a bride walking up the aisle to meet her husband.  The veil covers her face.  Her happiness, her glow, that simply beautiful shine that seems to emit from the countenance of every thrilled woman about to be joined to the man of her dreams is hidden temporarily from everyone because of that veil.  But then the vows have been declared, the prayers of blessing bestowed, and it is time for the groom to lift the veil, to take it away, and to claim his treasure.  And then we all see – glory!  I love that moment.  Her beauty that day far surpasses her normal glow; far outshines the perfect make up job, she is simply and irrefutably more beautiful than ever.  I think my favorite part of every wedding is to see the bride,  because I feel I will see her in a way I’ll never see her again.  She’ll have that flush of excitement, the almost glazed over sense of unreality that she has finally arrived at this day she’s dreamt about since sahe knew about princes and princesses, true love, and happily ever after.

So it is when someone turns to the LORD.  Isn’t that the most beautiful picture?  We are the bride, turning to Christ.  He has made his promise to us.  But he does not take away the veil until we turn to him,  listen to his voice, and hear of his great love.  This particular verse keeps it so simple.  We are not asked to get our life all together.  We are not asked to promise away our future – but we will – we are just turning to him.  And when that veil is removed, when we grasp that glory, an ever increasing glory, we know, we completely know, this is the right decision.

This glory is not just for us women, but for men too.  And it will happen whenever we turn to the LORD.

Now the LORD is the Spirit; where the Spirit of the LORD is there is freedom. 2 Cor. 3:17

More true love!  There is a freedom that can only be known when surrounded by total love, acceptance, grace, and laughter.  I see this in families, couples and friendships.  I have seen this in my home.  I just watched it on a Facebook video posts.  When a child, whether 5 years old or 25 can suddenly break out in song (though lately, the only song seems to be “Let It Go” from Frozen), and not care what others think, well that is a part of freedom.  When they can talk to others about their interests, and want to know about the other, when they freely serve, give, sacrifice, because they are full of God’s love – that is freedom.  Families, marriages, friendships can all be very dangerous places regardless of best intentions.  Not until the Spirit of God infuses and heals, is a soul’s complete freedom really known.  I’m still a work in progress.  Ah, but one day… I will dance on the hillside in a willowy white sparkly gown and proclaim freedom!   As I look to the LORD, may my shroud, my veil be lifted… and yours too.  We are all facing hard stuff.

Speaking at Church 4/27/14

Pastor Dan asked about six of us to speak at church yesterday in lieu of a sermon.  Much of this has been said in previous blogs.  But here it is:

Intro:   My name/ husband/ 3 college age kids/ I’ve known Jesus since my I was very young/ Dan has asked me to talk to you about what God is doing in my life and how He is sustaining me.

As many of you know I received the news a year ago that the cancer in my body had spread to Stage 4, which the medical community considers incurable.  At that time my prognosis was 2 years.

I’ve dealt with three main emotions or lessons this year: “Gratefulness,” the huge truth of “No Condemnation for those who are in Christ” and the personal battle of  “Fear.”

I will tell you more about these in the next few minutes through a few of my experiences.  Last week we had a piano tuner come to our house with his woman assistant.  I talked with her as he worked.  I learned that she had no use for church, and that her relationship with God was personal and not to involve others. 

So I told her my story – or really – your story.  I told her of the cancer, and how the body of Christ has surrounded me this year, how they just helped us move, about the help I get with house work, rides to the doctor, meals, financial help, and just as important, prayers, songs, hymns and Bible verses that are shared with me.  All of this SO encourages me and keeps me in the fight.  Her response -  “Oh my, that is really good.  You know how I know, I have shivers, shivers running through my body.”  I think this is how we should all respond to the amazing work of the Body of Christ.  See, it is not just you who do the work, you are actually the hands, the feet, the arms of Our Jesus – You are His body!  And yes, I AM SO grateful.  I get shivers all the time when I realize the amazing privilege of being served by JESUS.

Yet – ya know how sometimes we take something good that is happening and then use it against ourselves.  Off and on throughout this year, because of all these kindnesses shown me and my family, I’ve begun judging myself harshly.  I can be pretty hard on myself.  And I began down that road.  “Look how good people are.  Why was I never so good to others?  Will I ever get a chance to redeem this situation and serve others?”

(Probably my first mistake was focusing on others, rather than on Christ who works in them.)

 

Last November my thoughts were taking me through a history of sins and mistakes; how I had failed in relationships with needy friends and with several relatives.  God deeply reminded me that I am/ have been holy and blameless in his sight, that He is well pleased with me and there is no condemnation for me in Christ.  There was a deeply spiritual time of pulling out of every strand, thread, and capillary of the lies that satan had woven through my being of what a shameful person I had been.  Lies.  All lies.  Yes, I had failed in some of those situations, by my standards – but not Christ’s.  He was not and Is not condemning me.  I am forgiven.  Jesus paid the price. 

It is a travesty that I should live in guilt when I am in Christ, and that I would make myself suffer, discounting the pain Jesus already paid on my behalf.  I am forgiven; I am blameless; I am loved; I am free.  That was November.  Then last month that ugly whisperer came to my thoughts again:  “Look at what every one does for you; yet you never have done anything for others.”  I brought those words to Jesus and asked Him to help me sort through and find truth again. 

Within 3 days I received letters, messages and phone calls; mostly from people I had not heard from in years.  The common thread in each one is that they felt compelled to thank me for some way I had served them.  The other common thread is that I had not remembered, until their prompting, having done any of those things.  It was quite remarkable of my LORD to do this for me.  He actually spoke to several people and told them to communicate with me, to remind me of things.  How cool is that?  So in case you ever wonder why I feel like his favorite child…  (And I actually have found that most of my friends feel like they are his favorite.  I hope you feel the same.)

Dan first asked me to speak to all of you about 2 months ago.  I was at my very worst then.  I was in almost constant pain, I had difficulty moving, standing, sleeping.  I told him, “I blog.  People can hear from me there.” I didn’t have the energy or will power to be in front of people.  Well I am doing considerably better over the past month.  If you happen to be one who reads my blog, you know that Jesus has told me to “Consider Abraham” when I talk to him about healing. (I asked him for 20 more years, one down, 19 to go.) 

One thing I have learned from Abraham, and the Psalms of King David is about dealing with Fear.

You may have heard me say often that I am in a “win/win” situation with this cancer.  I win if I live – I get to continue to serve Jesus as I remain among you and most dearly, with my family; I win if I die – I get to be with Jesus!  It’s a win either way. Maybe you wonder why I would be afraid.

First it’s a question of when I fear.  I fear when I’m in pain and I fear when I get a bad health report.  I’ve had fear this week because my emotions have been a bit erratic. The why is I don’t like to lose control and it’s hell to be in relentless pain and not know when relief is coming, if it’s coming; a bad report may mean pain is returning. I also fear because I hate that in the future, pain may so debilitate me that I need help with my personal hygiene

So what do I do with the fear and the pain?

I’ve already begun learning at home with Dave, and with the help of those who send me songs or scripture that if I put my mind onto God, and worship him right in the midst of pain and fear or if I sit and memorize a chapter of the Bible –the pain and fear diminish.  I am focusing on truth and eternity rather than here and now.  He lifts me out.

David says in Psalm 27: The LORD is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?  When evil men (read cancer) advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.  Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. “

Where is my confidence?  In God.  I Consider Abraham.  God told him   “I am your shield and your very great reward.”

He is my shield (a shield protects against attack) and my very great reward ( my focus is on truth).

-        

Psalm 23 –“ Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” 

My table has been prepared in the presence of this enemy of cancer; yet my head has been anointed with oil, and my cup does overflow.  I am so grateful – my cup is SO full!

Psalm 33 states: “From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth – he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.”

This is My God – the one who knows me intimately – vs 18  “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and to keep them alive in famine.”

So FEAR needs to simply be replaced from what I fear on earth, to that amazing and respectful fear of the LORD that I find when I worship Him and meditate on his Word, and bask in his unfailing love.

I just double checked the Hebrew word for Fear – it’s the same word to Fear God as it is to Fear enemies.  So what emotion will I allow to overtake me?  I choose to focus on and be fearful and overwhelmed by the Creator, the Lover of my Soul.

So these are the things you can keep reminding me of, if I stumble; or if you happen to catch me in the moments of having just received bad news or being in much pain. Get me focused on Fearing God.

To wrap it up-  – this year my heart is full with Gratitude that his Body works!  That there is no guilt for those of us in Christ; and He knows how to chase away unhealthy Fear as we focus on Him.

Gratitude Is Bigger Inside Me Than Outside

This week as I was packing to move next door I made a pile of VHS tapes to convert to DVD.  Then we realized that our DVD/VHS player could do the job. So we saved a boatload of money doing it ourselves – and a boatload of space.

During the conversion, I learned a few interesting things while those old family videos were playing real time as I walked in and out of the room.  In those early days of three little ones, my house looked cleaner than ever, and my garden healthier.  How did I pull that off?  Well, I suppose it is because we owned a lot less furniture, a lot less stuff, and I wasn't working part time.  Life was simple.

What struck me as the most interesting were the “birth shots.”  Now if you have ever heard me tell the story of the birth of my kids, I’m sure I would include stories of the intense pain that led to screaming and groaning, followed by ecstasy and pure love once the child was born.  I also remember being very angry at a certain nurse who tried to grab Ariana out of my arms before the cord was even cut.  Really?  Back off lady!

As I watched the videos of the births, and of that nurse with Ariana, I witnessed a much different picture.  My screams and moans were not so dramatic - rather subdued actually.  I didn't see that flash of anger towards THAT nurse. My demeanor after giving birth was just quiet, still, dazed.  I was not even smiling all that much.  And yet I had just been part of one of the greatest miracles known to man – the birth of a baby!!!   All I can suppose as I considered my lack of evident emotion after the birth of my children is that I was in a state of shock and awe… and that I hold it all deeply inside.  I mean fireworks inside!  But it doesn’t seem to affect my outward demeanor.  Go figure.  (On the other hand, maybe all moms are like this.  Geez - we just experienced the greatest pain known to man.  Or as Dave might say, "The greatest pain unknown to man.")

It makes me wonder about my telling of sky diving.  Did I really scream my lungs out, crazily uninhibited and free, or was that only happening on the inside?  Now, I have reason to question the "real" story.

In fact, as I’ve pursued “Recall Healing” of cancer, it has become very evident that I do hold in my emotions rather than letting it all out.  My own husband does not know how deeply I feel about issues because I tend to understate the facts.  I have since been working on that – trying to speak more accurately of what is true inside of me. (I think that statement will make all husbands cringe – ha ha) 

I have a reason I am explaining all of this.  Yesterday, and in the weeks preceding the move we had over 40 people sort, pack, prepare our new house (I mean the gift of hard labor!), and move us.  I am SO overwhelmed with gratitude.  In my inner being, all day, I was in "shock and awe" all over again.  Fireworks of smiley faces going off inside of me!  This time it was not a miracle of birth, rather, the miracle of God’s kindness and goodness expressed through his people.

As I came to the end of the day yesterday,  I wondered if anyone realized how overcome and thankful I was with their help.   These people moved our whole house, cleaned, put things away, made my bed, organized my closet and bathroom, brought lunch, snacks, dinner, and water.  What a blessing!  Looking back I wish I had grabbed and hugged and kissed each and every person.  But you know how it is on moving day - my mind was scattered, giving directions, feeling confused, was I even smiling?  Did anyone know how happy I was with their presence?  My insides need to break out!  Hence, I write!

To all of you who helped: THANK YOU!

Now a quick update on my health.  I have had quite a turn around in the past month.  I can now climb stairs and walk for short periods of time without pain.  (Though I still  can’t lift or move things so well.)  I have driven the car by myself three times this past week!  I am not needing the strong meds all night,  just occasionally.  During the day I get by with ibuprofen, and it's not always needed.  I have more energy!  I am super encouraged to have some freedom back! 

When I last blogged I was unsure if I could “hold on” until Seth’s graduation; the pain was so constant and crippling.  However,  I  made a trip to Santa Barbara last weekend to see Seth perform at Spring Sing.  (Coming home, and especially the walk from the car to my bed was very tenuous, yet I did it!  And I just keep getting stronger!)  Graduation, here I come!  Thanks for your many prayers!  To God be the glory!  Always!

Then Encouragement

This fight has taken on new dimensions.  The enemy of my soul is relentless.  The God of my heart holds me tight.  As the attacks intensify, so does the encouragement that surrounds me.  It has taken on supernatural proportions.  The final bell has not yet rung.

To recap what is happening; the tumor marker count continues to fly off the charts, the bone cancer is ravaging my vertebrae in all regions, ribs, and hips, and the latest bad news is that I have several spots in my liver now too.  What all this means for me physically is that pain is almost always present.  I can sit or lay just so, get a bit drugged, and find relief.  I no longer drive.  I walk slowly, with pain, aided by a cane or a walker.  The most difficult things are to get up and down and to reach out for anything.  I need sleep more often and am continuing to lose weight.  This wasn’t a sudden deterioration. Little by little I have lost functions.  I guess I was eased into it.

As for treatments, I am now taking what my Kaiser oncologist has suggested.  If side effects become unpleasant, then I will try something else.  Strangely, sadly, Mexico docs have been silent since I sent them my last test results.

I do have my difficult moments. The news last week of more than one spot on my liver was a hit as were the blood work results which showed that my body is not fighting as hard. I felt completely abandoned by God.  I know his capabilities, therefore I was completely disappointed that He was not extending relief and healing to me.  I was unable to see beyond the bad news and pain that held me prisoner.  

When Dave got home that day he sensed the darkness that had wrapped itself around me and began to pray and rebuke the enemy, satan.  We have learned well that he kicks the hardest when we are already down.  Dirtiest kind of player.

I see a pattern that when I get bad news I tailspin, after a bit, I get a grip, God brings comfort, and I'm ready to battle it out again. 

I did feel better the next day.  So much of that had to do with encouragement I received and continue to receive.  Oh – how it feeds my soul when others offer me nourishment.  Below is a list, yet I feel like the New Testament writer that said there are not enough pages to write all the stories of what Jesus has done.  My list too, could go on and on.

Encouragement this week (not a complete list):

My husband gets on the piano, or friends come over with guitars and we sing praises to God and pray together.

People send encouraging music my way.

A friend broke into my house and laid down next to me in bed to cry.

A couple people helped me escape into the diversion of a movie (and frozen yogurt.)

I get texts, cards, messages of encouraging verses, flowers, reminders of love and prayers.  These feed my soul… God really is supernatural!  His Word really is alive!  (I hereby encourage everyone who is reading my blog to start opening your Bible and reading it, memorizing it, and meditating on it.  You will find Life and see the reality of Jesus alive!)

An excerpt of one email:

In heaven, no doubt, we will look back and say "Of course! How loving and Sovereign You were, Lord! It could have been no other way."  May the Lord show you His glory. Your suffering is His outstretched arm of salvation. May He show you who He is trying to reach. 

A card quoted Pastor Sayles of 1^st Baptist Church, Ashville, NC who has cancer: As I take this journey I am sustained by my conviction that God does not cause our trouble and pain.  But God loves us too much to waste them. 

To wrap it up here, when I am stuck in pain all I really want is to hang tough so that Seth can graduate, and Ariana and Davita can finish their semesters, and not have a major disruption like their mom dying.  Yet when I can break out of the pain focus, then in faith, I keep believing and continue to say that healing is coming!  I continue to receive prayers for healing and continue to be encouraged that this is an intense time of inner healing for me.

And I consider Abraham.

Thank you all for your healing love and prayers!  To God be the glory!

Like Night and Day

Okay, okay I get it.  Admitting where I’m at – whether a good place or a bad place – is a good thing to do.

As I read the first few comments to my blog last night before I checked out, already my heart was encouraged, hope and light were streaming in, darkness had to flee.  My friends and family are so awesome.  How God uses them to bring health to my body!

Nevertheless, the night was broken up with pain and prayers.  In the morning I read even more encouraging remarks, and they again began healing my pain.

My first appointment for the day was to see my Recall Therapist, Michelle Schrader, an incredibly encouraging person who speaks Truth right into my inner parts.  She works with other BX cancer patients and sees all the same lousy side effects that I am experiencing; and she sees them come out healed on the other side.  This is a perspective I needed to hear about.  During our session God also reminded me that this BX protocol is a gift from His hand. (I must be diligent to be thankful rather than forgetful.)  She also taught me how to use visualization to lessen the pain in my body.  That was super helpful too.

So as I write this my soul is lighter.  My hope is renewed.  My pain is more tolerable than it has been for days.  And I even have some energy.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  He quickly changes our dark to light, our mourning into dancing, our night becomes day.

Perspective

Perspectives can differ.

My tumor marker results have now reached the 1,000’s.  It doubled in three weeks from the 500’s.  My doctors in Mexico told me to expect the numbers to go up for two months before seeing them fall.  I’ve also been experiencing a lot more pain, tiredness, weight loss and lack of energy.  This also indicates that the new BX protocol I’ve been using for six weeks is doing its job.  (My chiropractor indicated that pain burns lots of calories.)

My local doctors believe that the high numbers, weight loss, additional pain are all indicative of the spread of cancer.

It’s all perspective.  I have no proof that one side of the border trumps the other.  I would like that proof.  I admitted to my Kaiser oncologist last week that it’s a bit disconcerting that bone scans or CT scans won't tell the true story.  For as all doctors tell me, both cancer spreading and cancer dying show up as a black spot on the film.  He disagreed, he says we can compare… a black spot may become less black, more gray, if the bone is healing.  So, in one month, I’m back for the scans, to compare with last month's scan and determine if the new protocol is working or if the cancer is spreading.

Pain has made me want to stay curled up in a dark corner and check out of life, yet I’m trying my darnest to live out my belief that when in pain, it’s better to be in an awesome place than in my same old stomping grounds.  So I went to Mexico to visit some of the patients a couple weeks ago with my good friend Susan.  And I felt great that day!  I took a boat trip to one of the Channel Islands last week, and I felt pretty crappy all day.  But as I think back on that trip, already it’s the views, the people, the experience of visiting a new place that I’m remembering.  I’m so glad I went.  I went to see my niece in the play Thoroughly Modern Millie.  I had to hold my head up, I didn’t have the energy to even clap… but I was able to laugh at some of the great lines.  I just saw a picture that my sister-in-law took of me after the play.  I have to say, I don’t at all look like the worm struggling to stay on a log.  I’m so surprised to see that I can look better than I feel.  I go out with friends and family but  I don't make it to everything I want to.  Up until the moment I drive away I'm waging a huge battle between the "stay home you feel lousy" voice and the "get out there and be distracted by wonderful people" voice.

A kind of funny story:  Since the cancer is in my vertebrae, and I was told that I would get shorter over time as a result of bone loss, I developed a theory that my current pain had to do with my muscles getting accustomed to a new height.  I asked my Kaiser nurse to measure my height in early January.  Sure enough, 5’91/2” instead of my usual 5’10” that I clocked in Mexico this December. I mentioned this theory to my doctor when I was in Mexico a couple of weeks ago.  He was quite sure that didn’t happen.  “Diana, if you lost that much height in one month, your pain would have landed you in the hospital and we’d be putting rods in your back.” (My thoughts precisely.)  I told him I’d go grab a nurse and have her measure me since this is the location that measured me at 5’10”; they should be the standard.  She measured me at 5’9”.  One inch loss!  Really!  I had noticed the nurse was having a difficult time with the top of my head, and that she used a napkin rather than a straight edge to find my top.  Since my friend Susan and her brother were there, I asked them to remeasure me.  Final perspective, 5’10” – I haven’t lost any height…. I guess.

Even when I received the news of the high tumor marker count last week, and was giving way to fear and despair, one of my daughters refreshed me with a reminder,  “God has not changed the number of your days because this test result came in low; He has always known how long you will live.  Nothing has changed.”  And another one reminded me,  “Look at you mom, you are up and around, you are healthy, you are not wasting away.”  (I only feel like I am.) Ah, great reminders.  I am encouraged by their refreshing perspective.

As I was reciting various Bible verses, and praying, God also reminded me of my good health.  All my blood work (save that one pesky one) always comes back with the message that I am very healthy and have a strong immune system.  Nothing is shutting down, not even close.  I am fit for the fight.

As I took a slow walk the other day, I was reviewing Psalm 103 since I am memorizing it.  So many great perspectives here too.  (Disclaimer or permission to retreat – I think the rest of this page is mostly for me.  Reminders that I need.  You may not wish to delve so deeply.)  I paused at verse 4: He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion.  How true that when we have been in any “pit,” any dark or depressing place, and we have been brought out by our Father God (not by our own efforts – I’m not talking about those who give themselves credit for lifting themselves up by their own bootstraps – but rather those who realize that God Himself is the One who redeemed them by his kindness, love and effort),  we have love for Him like never before.  We owe our life to Him and want to keep giving Him all the credit.  And we have a new compassion for others; those still in that pit; those who came out, but are still struggling.  It seems the darker the pit, the greater the compassion.  I sure see this with my husband who has struggled with depression over the years.  His ability to extend compassion to others who struggle with the same illness is a beautiful thing compared to my frustration with the same.  Each of us have our pits, and if we’ve been redeemed from it, that is our area of compassion – our perspective influences us.

Then the Psalmist goes right into: He satisfies my desires with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  I wondered about that leap from the pit/crown to satisfaction/renewal.  It’s not like it’s a promise he’s throwing out there, not an if/then, but rather a series of facts: he forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, satisfies, renews.  I did truly feel renewed the Monday I walked and meditated.  I had just come off of a difficult weekend of pain and weakness, and I was beginning to feel like an eagle taking flight and soaring. 

The next several verses add meaning.  “The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.”   David then refers to Moses and the Israelites who were rescued from slavery.   David has been thinking about this.  God brought his people out of Egypt… redeemed!  Their proper response?  Love and compassion.  The Lord worked it out – it was not right that they were slaves.  They experienced justice.  Next  He worked out righteousness for them; they were given tools, the Law, on how to live rightly. Having been crowned with love – they were also given instructions in how to respond appropriately to God – how to worship Him.  And well they needed that.  For they were also thrown right into the wilderness.  Here perspective plays a huge role.  Were they quick to remember the pit from which they had just been rescued?  Slavery vs Freedom!  They were free now!  That is huge!  But we  who know the story, don’t see that response from them.  They grumbled.  They wished they were back in slavery so they could eat and drink and stay alive.  They felt they would die in this new place.  They were unable to do as we would think normal.  If one is thirsty, ask the redeemer for water; If  hungry, ask him for food; if  afraid, ask him for protection.  The lover of their soul just rescued them.  The right response is to love him back by enjoying him and worshiping him – and yes, and ask him to satisfy our desires with good things.

Ah, this is me preaching to myself.  I have been redeemed from a meaningless life through the salvation of my soul. Twice now, I've survived cancer.  So, when I have pain now, or weakness and lack of energy, I KNOW I am much better served, and quicker to recover my faith and good attitude if I go to the Lord, and read and meditate on his Word, and sing and worship, and then ask him to give me reprieve of pain, to kill off the cancer, to restore my strength and my appetite, to renew my youth and to satisfy my desires.  Ah, may I always first go to the Redeemer.   (I’m not so good at this.)