More Suspense and The Results are In

I started this on Thursday, Nov.7, 13:

Last night I woke up several times.  This indicates that I’m not being as accepting of a possible “bad” report as I would like to be.  The question always on my mind, “What will the tumor count be this time?”  I’ve had more pain this month – that means growing cancer to one doctor, but to another it means “reparative healing pain.”   Has enough emotional healing occurred to have affected the outcome of the tumor marker test?  Maybe, but ostensibly it seems it would take a couple of months to register.  I hear from the doctors that bone cancer repairs very slowly.

The LORD brings me back to a conversation we had just a few days ago as I talked to him about  fear and doubt.  He gave me some instruction. 

1. Fear – whatever it comes from – He wants me to take it, wad it up, as I would a sheet of paper – and toss it to Him.  I am reminded of several True statements in the Word. 

Ps 23: I will fear no evil, for you are with me, you comfort.

Ps 27:  The LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

Ps 34: I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Ps 91: He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High… will not fear….

IJohn 4: There is no fear in love.

I have been doing this in my imagination, wadding up the fear and throwing it to him.  It works quite well for me.  The Spirit has no problem just gobbling up that fear and making it disappear.

Then there is the doubt.  I find myself doubting that God has healing in my future; doubting the effectiveness of all the treatments I’m doing; doubting that the promises in the Bible are for me.  I never doubt that God is able, just that He will.  God’s reminder for me is to remember that such doubts are from the evil one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  They are the fiery arrows of the evil one.  (Ephesians 6)  I must stand.  I must get involved with the battle.  Those doubts are deadly and destructive.  Jesus spoke directly to Thomas, “Stop doubting and believe.” (John 20:27)  If anyone is to be believed, IT IS JESUS!  (Always ringing in my ear as I go the way of doubt are Jesus' words to me, "Consider Abraham.")

The Results:

Nov. 10, 13 

Above was my stopping point, for at that moment I got the lab report and learned that the tumor marker had gone up again.  It climbed almost 100 points and is now at 315.  I needed to move on at that point and process with God and with Dave, and get news to key people and doctors in Mexico.  I was disappointed.  I allowed myself to feel the sadness on Friday.  I still believe that this is all for the best; but I can’t help wishing I could move on.  It’s not that I’m so sick and tired of cancer; but rather of all the time it takes to treat it.  I am incredibly thankful that I’m not chemo or radiation sick and tired.  But nevertheless, I am getting weary of always looking for something healthy to cook/buy/eat/drink/blend/juice; and popping all the pills; and hooking myself up to all the infusions; and sweating it out in all the tubes and saunas; and going to so many appointments.  I miss the non-medical life.  Yet, I am still thankful.  Frankly what I read on FB and hear from friends, I wouldn’t want their aches and pains and sufferings – even though those are not considered terminal things, they seem a lot harder than what I’m dealing with.  So, we all keep praying for one another.

And I still believe that I am on the right track and moving toward healing.  To all who are reading this and who are praying for me and encouraging me, thank you.  I have felt so incredibly loved through these months.  All those kindnesses have been a healing salve, and probably doing as much, if not more good, as all the other treatments.  God Bless Each and Every One of You.

Oh That Monthly Marker Suspense

Today I had my 9^th tumor marker test since all this began.  One would think it would be easy by now.  Well, the blood giving is easy.  The waiting for results seems to always be rather, hmm, how shall I put it?  Suspenseful?  Not necessarily in a good way, like when I gave birth those three times, having not peeked at the ultrasound images.  All those suspenseful months of wondering, finally delivering, pleading to know, “Is it a boy or a girl?”  Either way was a win!  Can’t seem to put the tumor marker suspense in the same class.

Though, this month I am incredibly grateful for the cancer and the physical pain it brings as it has awakened in me a desire to be emotionally healed of bad memories that I found ‘hiding out.’ Various ugly situations that were  blocked or ignored, have become dislodged.  I have now welcomed these scabs into the light of truth, released stored heart pain and offered forgiveness, thus feeling lighter and more joyful as I am getting to know the person I was meant to be, one not shackled and in hiding.

My greatest thrill is to realize how easily I hear the Holy Spirit’s voice.  He has accompanied me through all passages of life.  I am finally seeing where He was in many of my stories.  Ah ha moments of  “Oh that was You!  Oh yes, now I recognize you.  I know that voice!” I am also finding how much more deeply I want to know God.  I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him.  As He leads me through this valley of the shadow of death,  I feel his grace always around me.  He is my shield and helper.  I continue to memorize various chapters from the Bible, and find much wisdom and comfort in those Living Words.  I admit it.  I really like where I am right now.

So, as I drove to Kaiser today, I talked to Father God about how I might handle my emotions this time around as I wait for results.  And how I might grapple with a count that goes up instead of down, a scenario I always dread.

In light of my gratefulness to my body for getting my attention, and to God who brings me to Truth and healing, if I stay a while longer in “high tumor marker land,” then I will say,   

"Thank you Lord.  You have me just where you want me.  I am in your hands.  What is next?"   

I will keep pressing in closer to God to keep the inner growth happening.  Likewise, I am sure  that I won’t whoop and holler.  But I will feel ready for the challenge.

If the counts go down.  Okay, yes, the party spirit will be very present!  I will feel incredibly lavished in grace.   Celebration will be happening.

These are the things going through my head as I wait in suspense for the report to come in.