Last night my pillow seemed hard, uncomfortable, too
solid. I reached to change its
position only to realize it was quite soft and pliable. But my senses had told me
otherwise. I lay there realizing
that my situation with cancer seems somehow the same. I am uncomfortable, find it difficult to
move, get up, turn over. Yet when
I reach out to actually change my position, I am still pliable and have the
strength to turn over and get up.
I am finding it stranger than ever to deal with cancer. Before it was just there – but did not
so much affect my movements or energy, my moods or motivations. It is different now. I find sleep a welcome friend. Sometimes just laying, staring,
thinking nothing is the most enjoyable activity of my hour. That
doesn’t generally characterize me at all – hence this is a strange journey.
But when I do get out – when I have the energy and
motivation to – how I enjoy it!
Yes I need the wheel chair; or if the distance is short, my walker. To
see the outdoors, to drive through the streets, to stop and have coffee, or
watch some Spike ball at the park, to go to church and be with people, to
worship, and to fall asleep in church, to have visitors – these are my
joys.
The Word of God remains my strong place. When discouragement sets in, or that
sense of wondering where this is all leading, God’s Word reminds me of the
Truth. He is my joy and my hope,
my Healer. I am on a path – I’m on
it with God. I don’t feel I have
much control of where it is leading me – yet what else can I do, but keep on
walking it?
I know I’ve not been communicating much lately. There’s not much to say about lying
around all day and being content with it. Yet there is something comforting
about being okay with doing nothing.
There is a rest and peace about it that defies explanation. There is no guilt or regrets. It just feels right to rest. So, I guess that describes my days –
rest.
