Gratitude Is Bigger Inside Me Than Outside

This week as I was packing to move next door I made a pile of VHS tapes to convert to DVD.  Then we realized that our DVD/VHS player could do the job. So we saved a boatload of money doing it ourselves – and a boatload of space.

During the conversion, I learned a few interesting things while those old family videos were playing real time as I walked in and out of the room.  In those early days of three little ones, my house looked cleaner than ever, and my garden healthier.  How did I pull that off?  Well, I suppose it is because we owned a lot less furniture, a lot less stuff, and I wasn't working part time.  Life was simple.

What struck me as the most interesting were the “birth shots.”  Now if you have ever heard me tell the story of the birth of my kids, I’m sure I would include stories of the intense pain that led to screaming and groaning, followed by ecstasy and pure love once the child was born.  I also remember being very angry at a certain nurse who tried to grab Ariana out of my arms before the cord was even cut.  Really?  Back off lady!

As I watched the videos of the births, and of that nurse with Ariana, I witnessed a much different picture.  My screams and moans were not so dramatic - rather subdued actually.  I didn't see that flash of anger towards THAT nurse. My demeanor after giving birth was just quiet, still, dazed.  I was not even smiling all that much.  And yet I had just been part of one of the greatest miracles known to man – the birth of a baby!!!   All I can suppose as I considered my lack of evident emotion after the birth of my children is that I was in a state of shock and awe… and that I hold it all deeply inside.  I mean fireworks inside!  But it doesn’t seem to affect my outward demeanor.  Go figure.  (On the other hand, maybe all moms are like this.  Geez - we just experienced the greatest pain known to man.  Or as Dave might say, "The greatest pain unknown to man.")

It makes me wonder about my telling of sky diving.  Did I really scream my lungs out, crazily uninhibited and free, or was that only happening on the inside?  Now, I have reason to question the "real" story.

In fact, as I’ve pursued “Recall Healing” of cancer, it has become very evident that I do hold in my emotions rather than letting it all out.  My own husband does not know how deeply I feel about issues because I tend to understate the facts.  I have since been working on that – trying to speak more accurately of what is true inside of me. (I think that statement will make all husbands cringe – ha ha) 

I have a reason I am explaining all of this.  Yesterday, and in the weeks preceding the move we had over 40 people sort, pack, prepare our new house (I mean the gift of hard labor!), and move us.  I am SO overwhelmed with gratitude.  In my inner being, all day, I was in "shock and awe" all over again.  Fireworks of smiley faces going off inside of me!  This time it was not a miracle of birth, rather, the miracle of God’s kindness and goodness expressed through his people.

As I came to the end of the day yesterday,  I wondered if anyone realized how overcome and thankful I was with their help.   These people moved our whole house, cleaned, put things away, made my bed, organized my closet and bathroom, brought lunch, snacks, dinner, and water.  What a blessing!  Looking back I wish I had grabbed and hugged and kissed each and every person.  But you know how it is on moving day - my mind was scattered, giving directions, feeling confused, was I even smiling?  Did anyone know how happy I was with their presence?  My insides need to break out!  Hence, I write!

To all of you who helped: THANK YOU!

Now a quick update on my health.  I have had quite a turn around in the past month.  I can now climb stairs and walk for short periods of time without pain.  (Though I still  can’t lift or move things so well.)  I have driven the car by myself three times this past week!  I am not needing the strong meds all night,  just occasionally.  During the day I get by with ibuprofen, and it's not always needed.  I have more energy!  I am super encouraged to have some freedom back! 

When I last blogged I was unsure if I could “hold on” until Seth’s graduation; the pain was so constant and crippling.  However,  I  made a trip to Santa Barbara last weekend to see Seth perform at Spring Sing.  (Coming home, and especially the walk from the car to my bed was very tenuous, yet I did it!  And I just keep getting stronger!)  Graduation, here I come!  Thanks for your many prayers!  To God be the glory!  Always!