Perspectives can differ.
My tumor marker results have now reached the 1,000’s. It doubled in three weeks from the
500’s. My doctors in Mexico told me to expect the numbers to go up for two months before seeing them
fall. I’ve also been experiencing
a lot more pain, tiredness, weight loss and lack of energy. This also indicates that the new BX
protocol I’ve been using for six weeks is doing its job. (My chiropractor indicated that pain
burns lots of calories.)
My local doctors believe that the high numbers, weight loss,
additional pain are all indicative of the spread of cancer.
It’s all perspective.
I have no proof that one side of the border trumps the other. I would like that proof. I admitted to my Kaiser oncologist last
week that it’s a bit disconcerting that bone scans or CT scans won't tell the true story.
For as all doctors tell me, both cancer spreading and cancer dying show
up as a black spot on the film. He
disagreed, he says we can compare… a black spot may become less black, more
gray, if the bone is healing. So,
in one month, I’m back for the scans, to compare with last month's scan and determine if the new protocol is working or if the cancer is spreading.
Pain has made me want to stay curled up in a dark corner and check out of life, yet I’m
trying my darnest to live out my belief that when in pain, it’s better to be in
an awesome place than in my same old stomping grounds. So I went to Mexico to visit some of
the patients a couple weeks ago with my good friend Susan. And I felt great that day! I took a boat trip to one of the
Channel Islands last week, and I felt pretty crappy all day. But as I think back on that trip,
already it’s the views, the people, the experience of visiting a new place that
I’m remembering. I’m so glad I
went. I went to see my niece in
the play Thoroughly Modern Millie.
I had to hold my head up, I didn’t have the energy to even clap… but I
was able to laugh at some of the great lines. I just saw a picture that my sister-in-law took of me after
the play. I have to say, I don’t
at all look like the worm struggling to stay on a log. I’m so surprised to see that I can look
better than I feel. I go out with friends and family but I don't make it to everything I want to. Up until the moment I drive away I'm waging a huge battle between the "stay home you feel lousy" voice and the "get out there and be distracted by wonderful people" voice.
A kind of funny story: Since the cancer is in my vertebrae, and I was told that I
would get shorter over time as a result of bone loss, I developed a theory
that my current pain had to do with my muscles getting accustomed to a new
height. I asked my Kaiser nurse to
measure my height in early January.
Sure enough, 5’91/2” instead of my usual 5’10” that I clocked in Mexico
this December. I mentioned this theory to my doctor when I was in Mexico a
couple of weeks ago. He was quite
sure that didn’t happen. “Diana,
if you lost that much height in one month, your pain would have landed you in
the hospital and we’d be putting rods in your back.” (My thoughts
precisely.) I told him I’d go grab
a nurse and have her measure me since this is the location that
measured me at 5’10”; they should be the standard. She measured me at 5’9”. One inch loss!
Really! I had noticed the
nurse was having a difficult time with the top of my head, and that she used a
napkin rather than a straight edge to find my top. Since my friend Susan and her brother were there, I asked
them to remeasure me. Final
perspective, 5’10” – I haven’t lost any height…. I guess.
Even when I received the news of the high tumor marker count
last week, and was giving way to fear and despair, one of my daughters
refreshed me with a reminder, “God
has not changed the number of your days because this test result came in low;
He has always known how long you will live. Nothing has changed.”
And another one reminded me,
“Look at you mom, you are up and around, you are healthy, you are not wasting away.” (I only feel like I am.) Ah, great
reminders. I am encouraged by
their refreshing perspective.
As I was reciting various Bible verses, and praying, God
also reminded me of my good health.
All my blood work (save that one pesky one) always comes back with the
message that I am very healthy and have a strong immune system. Nothing is shutting down, not even
close. I am fit for the fight.
As I took a slow walk the other day, I was reviewing Psalm
103 since I am memorizing it. So
many great perspectives here too.
(Disclaimer or permission to retreat – I think the rest of this page is
mostly for me. Reminders that I
need. You may not wish to delve so
deeply.) I paused at verse 4: He
redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. How true that when we have been in any
“pit,” any dark or depressing place, and we have been brought out by our Father
God (not by our own efforts – I’m not talking about those who give themselves
credit for lifting themselves up by their own bootstraps – but rather those who
realize that God Himself is the One who redeemed them by his kindness, love and
effort), we have love for Him like never before. We owe our life to Him and want to keep giving Him all the
credit. And we have a new
compassion for others; those still in that pit; those who came out, but are
still struggling. It seems the
darker the pit, the greater the compassion. I sure see this with my husband who has struggled with
depression over the years. His
ability to extend compassion to others who struggle with the same illness is a
beautiful thing compared to my frustration with the same. Each of us have our pits, and if we’ve
been redeemed from it, that is our area of compassion – our perspective
influences us.
Then the Psalmist goes right into: He satisfies my desires
with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s. I wondered about that leap from the
pit/crown to satisfaction/renewal.
It’s not like it’s a promise he’s throwing out there, not an if/then,
but rather a series of facts: he forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, satisfies,
renews. I did truly feel renewed
the Monday I walked and meditated.
I had just come off of a difficult weekend of pain and weakness, and I
was beginning to feel like an eagle taking flight and soaring.
The next several verses add meaning. “The LORD works righteousness and
justice for all the oppressed.”
David then refers to Moses and the Israelites who were rescued from
slavery. David has been
thinking about this. God brought
his people out of Egypt… redeemed!
Their proper response? Love
and compassion. The Lord worked it
out – it was not right that they were slaves. They experienced justice. Next He worked
out righteousness for them; they were given tools, the Law, on how to live
rightly. Having been crowned with love – they were also given instructions in how to
respond appropriately to God – how to worship Him. And well they needed that. For they were also thrown right into the wilderness. Here perspective plays a huge
role. Were they quick to remember
the pit from which they had just been rescued? Slavery vs Freedom!
They were free now! That is
huge! But we who know the story, don’t see that
response from them. They
grumbled. They wished they were
back in slavery so they could eat and drink and stay alive. They felt they would die in this new
place. They were unable to do as
we would think normal. If one is
thirsty, ask the redeemer for water; If
hungry, ask him for food; if
afraid, ask him for protection.
The lover of their soul just rescued them. The right response is to love him back by enjoying him and
worshiping him – and yes, and ask him to satisfy our desires with good things.
Ah, this is me preaching to myself. I have been redeemed from a meaningless
life through the salvation of my soul. Twice now, I've survived
cancer. So, when I have pain now,
or weakness and lack of energy, I KNOW I am much better served, and quicker to
recover my faith and good attitude if I go to the Lord, and read and meditate
on his Word, and sing and worship, and then ask him to give me reprieve of
pain, to kill off the cancer, to restore my strength and my appetite, to renew
my youth and to satisfy my desires.
Ah, may I always first go to the Redeemer. (I’m not so good at this.)
