Perspective

Perspectives can differ.

My tumor marker results have now reached the 1,000’s.  It doubled in three weeks from the 500’s.  My doctors in Mexico told me to expect the numbers to go up for two months before seeing them fall.  I’ve also been experiencing a lot more pain, tiredness, weight loss and lack of energy.  This also indicates that the new BX protocol I’ve been using for six weeks is doing its job.  (My chiropractor indicated that pain burns lots of calories.)

My local doctors believe that the high numbers, weight loss, additional pain are all indicative of the spread of cancer.

It’s all perspective.  I have no proof that one side of the border trumps the other.  I would like that proof.  I admitted to my Kaiser oncologist last week that it’s a bit disconcerting that bone scans or CT scans won't tell the true story.  For as all doctors tell me, both cancer spreading and cancer dying show up as a black spot on the film.  He disagreed, he says we can compare… a black spot may become less black, more gray, if the bone is healing.  So, in one month, I’m back for the scans, to compare with last month's scan and determine if the new protocol is working or if the cancer is spreading.

Pain has made me want to stay curled up in a dark corner and check out of life, yet I’m trying my darnest to live out my belief that when in pain, it’s better to be in an awesome place than in my same old stomping grounds.  So I went to Mexico to visit some of the patients a couple weeks ago with my good friend Susan.  And I felt great that day!  I took a boat trip to one of the Channel Islands last week, and I felt pretty crappy all day.  But as I think back on that trip, already it’s the views, the people, the experience of visiting a new place that I’m remembering.  I’m so glad I went.  I went to see my niece in the play Thoroughly Modern Millie.  I had to hold my head up, I didn’t have the energy to even clap… but I was able to laugh at some of the great lines.  I just saw a picture that my sister-in-law took of me after the play.  I have to say, I don’t at all look like the worm struggling to stay on a log.  I’m so surprised to see that I can look better than I feel.  I go out with friends and family but  I don't make it to everything I want to.  Up until the moment I drive away I'm waging a huge battle between the "stay home you feel lousy" voice and the "get out there and be distracted by wonderful people" voice.

A kind of funny story:  Since the cancer is in my vertebrae, and I was told that I would get shorter over time as a result of bone loss, I developed a theory that my current pain had to do with my muscles getting accustomed to a new height.  I asked my Kaiser nurse to measure my height in early January.  Sure enough, 5’91/2” instead of my usual 5’10” that I clocked in Mexico this December. I mentioned this theory to my doctor when I was in Mexico a couple of weeks ago.  He was quite sure that didn’t happen.  “Diana, if you lost that much height in one month, your pain would have landed you in the hospital and we’d be putting rods in your back.” (My thoughts precisely.)  I told him I’d go grab a nurse and have her measure me since this is the location that measured me at 5’10”; they should be the standard.  She measured me at 5’9”.  One inch loss!  Really!  I had noticed the nurse was having a difficult time with the top of my head, and that she used a napkin rather than a straight edge to find my top.  Since my friend Susan and her brother were there, I asked them to remeasure me.  Final perspective, 5’10” – I haven’t lost any height…. I guess.

Even when I received the news of the high tumor marker count last week, and was giving way to fear and despair, one of my daughters refreshed me with a reminder,  “God has not changed the number of your days because this test result came in low; He has always known how long you will live.  Nothing has changed.”  And another one reminded me,  “Look at you mom, you are up and around, you are healthy, you are not wasting away.”  (I only feel like I am.) Ah, great reminders.  I am encouraged by their refreshing perspective.

As I was reciting various Bible verses, and praying, God also reminded me of my good health.  All my blood work (save that one pesky one) always comes back with the message that I am very healthy and have a strong immune system.  Nothing is shutting down, not even close.  I am fit for the fight.

As I took a slow walk the other day, I was reviewing Psalm 103 since I am memorizing it.  So many great perspectives here too.  (Disclaimer or permission to retreat – I think the rest of this page is mostly for me.  Reminders that I need.  You may not wish to delve so deeply.)  I paused at verse 4: He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion.  How true that when we have been in any “pit,” any dark or depressing place, and we have been brought out by our Father God (not by our own efforts – I’m not talking about those who give themselves credit for lifting themselves up by their own bootstraps – but rather those who realize that God Himself is the One who redeemed them by his kindness, love and effort),  we have love for Him like never before.  We owe our life to Him and want to keep giving Him all the credit.  And we have a new compassion for others; those still in that pit; those who came out, but are still struggling.  It seems the darker the pit, the greater the compassion.  I sure see this with my husband who has struggled with depression over the years.  His ability to extend compassion to others who struggle with the same illness is a beautiful thing compared to my frustration with the same.  Each of us have our pits, and if we’ve been redeemed from it, that is our area of compassion – our perspective influences us.

Then the Psalmist goes right into: He satisfies my desires with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  I wondered about that leap from the pit/crown to satisfaction/renewal.  It’s not like it’s a promise he’s throwing out there, not an if/then, but rather a series of facts: he forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, satisfies, renews.  I did truly feel renewed the Monday I walked and meditated.  I had just come off of a difficult weekend of pain and weakness, and I was beginning to feel like an eagle taking flight and soaring. 

The next several verses add meaning.  “The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.”   David then refers to Moses and the Israelites who were rescued from slavery.   David has been thinking about this.  God brought his people out of Egypt… redeemed!  Their proper response?  Love and compassion.  The Lord worked it out – it was not right that they were slaves.  They experienced justice.  Next  He worked out righteousness for them; they were given tools, the Law, on how to live rightly. Having been crowned with love – they were also given instructions in how to respond appropriately to God – how to worship Him.  And well they needed that.  For they were also thrown right into the wilderness.  Here perspective plays a huge role.  Were they quick to remember the pit from which they had just been rescued?  Slavery vs Freedom!  They were free now!  That is huge!  But we  who know the story, don’t see that response from them.  They grumbled.  They wished they were back in slavery so they could eat and drink and stay alive.  They felt they would die in this new place.  They were unable to do as we would think normal.  If one is thirsty, ask the redeemer for water; If  hungry, ask him for food; if  afraid, ask him for protection.  The lover of their soul just rescued them.  The right response is to love him back by enjoying him and worshiping him – and yes, and ask him to satisfy our desires with good things.

Ah, this is me preaching to myself.  I have been redeemed from a meaningless life through the salvation of my soul. Twice now, I've survived cancer.  So, when I have pain now, or weakness and lack of energy, I KNOW I am much better served, and quicker to recover my faith and good attitude if I go to the Lord, and read and meditate on his Word, and sing and worship, and then ask him to give me reprieve of pain, to kill off the cancer, to restore my strength and my appetite, to renew my youth and to satisfy my desires.  Ah, may I always first go to the Redeemer.   (I’m not so good at this.)