On Pain

Funny isn't it, that when we are personally dealing with something, seems the whole world is talking about it?   This happens in life when we learn a new word,  discover a new location, idea or product, suddenly it is all around us.  The simple fact is, now that it is relevant, we hear.  How much of life and conversations I must actually miss could be a scary thing to find out.  I am now, however, attuned to what others are saying about pain.

The back story of my whole perspective needs to be revealed:  I am a novice at pain.  So many people I know have experienced greater physical and emotional pain than I have.  Yes I have definitely had seasons of pain (gee whiz I gave birth three times); but they were just that, a season here and there, not the chronic pain.  So, there you have it, my disclaimer.

I have been known to tell people in physical or emotional pain, who decline an invite of mine because of that pain,  “Come with me anyway.  You will be in pain wherever you are, you may as well be in  this beautiful location I want to take you.  Choose the beauty.”  I don’t think I ever convinced any of them to go with me.

As my pain as been increasing over the past couple of months, I am trying to live out that mantra.  Hence, I went to visit Davita in London… and even kept up with her, most days.  I know if I had been home, I would have opted to stay in bed some of those days.  The last couple of weeks the pain has been a very ugly guest.  Nevertheless, I went to a glass jewelry making class with Davita, and to Biola for the Tree Lighting and to see Ariana.  As I told my family on the drive over there, “My mind and my soul are so excited to go to Biola, but my body is totally rebelling and screaming at me.  It does not want to come along.”  I let it rest on Saturday, and then on Sunday we were off to Santa Barbara to hear Seth sing in the Christmas performance with the Westmont Choir.  It even worked out for us to attend a portion of the Cross Country Awards Lunch. (I followed that with another slow day.  And I recognize, that this indeed proves I am still an initiate.  If my pain were at the caliber of many others, I could not do all of this.)

A very cool aspect of that awards luncheon is that each of the seniors gave a speech about any topic of their choosing.   In the three we were present to hear, each recounted stories of pain.  So much of running has to do with getting past the messages the body is throwing out to the mind, “This hurts.  Let’s quit.  Why are you doing this?  It is not worth it.”  The mind then tends to agree with everything, and these runners are just hanging on with the will, with the promise they made to the coach or themselves.  Today they are glad for what they learned by pressing on despite the pain.  They didn’t die.  They got stronger.  It felt so good to finish a practice, to finish a race.  The speed they ran is important, but the greater sense of accomplishment is the simple fact that they stuck it out.

Perfect reminders.  When pain plagues me I want to quit.  I’m not even sure what quitting will look like in my circumstance, it’s not like I can stop doing something and the pain will go away.  Perhaps it would look like depression, or sadness.  It would look like a lot of things that sound like rest to me: no more monitoring of every single thing I put in my mouth, no more popping all those vitamins and pills, or doing all the various treatments, no need to shop online for the best price of all those things, no more fund raising. 

These seniors expressed well  that as we grow, there will be painful challenges.  Will we get tough, learn discipline and control over our appetite, or will we walk away?  Listening to their stories of pain, I remember when I walked away.  I had joined my college track team after being out of shape for 2 or 3 years.  I hated practice.  I almost died at each practice… and they were going easy on me too.  I managed one meet, and then I quit.  Since then, I really never thought too much about that decision.  But hearing these seniors speak, and evidencing the lessons they learned, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better I would be doing with this current battle had I conquered that one? 

Recently, the results of my bone scan showed the cancer has spread to a few more vertebrae and ribs, and my hips.  Not all this pain is cancer related but has come as a chiropractic problem, because of having adjusted the way I walk.   Can one be thankful for a thing they also hate? For though thankful for God’s grace of teaching me so much during this season of pain, I really want to be done with it.  I don’t like hobbling around and getting up and down with greater difficulty than the 80 year olds I know. 

I am recently back from a check-up at the clinic in Mexico and they started me on a new protocol.  The anti-toxin will actually cause even more cancer/bone pain.  But that means it is working.  So pain is again, a good sign.  No pain, no gain, as they say.  Doctors tell me that bones hurt a lot as they heal.  So, more thankfulness for the thing I hate.  And if you want to speak to me about pain, I am at a good stage to learn from you.  Speak out.