On Pain

Funny isn't it, that when we are personally dealing with something, seems the whole world is talking about it?   This happens in life when we learn a new word,  discover a new location, idea or product, suddenly it is all around us.  The simple fact is, now that it is relevant, we hear.  How much of life and conversations I must actually miss could be a scary thing to find out.  I am now, however, attuned to what others are saying about pain.

The back story of my whole perspective needs to be revealed:  I am a novice at pain.  So many people I know have experienced greater physical and emotional pain than I have.  Yes I have definitely had seasons of pain (gee whiz I gave birth three times); but they were just that, a season here and there, not the chronic pain.  So, there you have it, my disclaimer.

I have been known to tell people in physical or emotional pain, who decline an invite of mine because of that pain,  “Come with me anyway.  You will be in pain wherever you are, you may as well be in  this beautiful location I want to take you.  Choose the beauty.”  I don’t think I ever convinced any of them to go with me.

As my pain as been increasing over the past couple of months, I am trying to live out that mantra.  Hence, I went to visit Davita in London… and even kept up with her, most days.  I know if I had been home, I would have opted to stay in bed some of those days.  The last couple of weeks the pain has been a very ugly guest.  Nevertheless, I went to a glass jewelry making class with Davita, and to Biola for the Tree Lighting and to see Ariana.  As I told my family on the drive over there, “My mind and my soul are so excited to go to Biola, but my body is totally rebelling and screaming at me.  It does not want to come along.”  I let it rest on Saturday, and then on Sunday we were off to Santa Barbara to hear Seth sing in the Christmas performance with the Westmont Choir.  It even worked out for us to attend a portion of the Cross Country Awards Lunch. (I followed that with another slow day.  And I recognize, that this indeed proves I am still an initiate.  If my pain were at the caliber of many others, I could not do all of this.)

A very cool aspect of that awards luncheon is that each of the seniors gave a speech about any topic of their choosing.   In the three we were present to hear, each recounted stories of pain.  So much of running has to do with getting past the messages the body is throwing out to the mind, “This hurts.  Let’s quit.  Why are you doing this?  It is not worth it.”  The mind then tends to agree with everything, and these runners are just hanging on with the will, with the promise they made to the coach or themselves.  Today they are glad for what they learned by pressing on despite the pain.  They didn’t die.  They got stronger.  It felt so good to finish a practice, to finish a race.  The speed they ran is important, but the greater sense of accomplishment is the simple fact that they stuck it out.

Perfect reminders.  When pain plagues me I want to quit.  I’m not even sure what quitting will look like in my circumstance, it’s not like I can stop doing something and the pain will go away.  Perhaps it would look like depression, or sadness.  It would look like a lot of things that sound like rest to me: no more monitoring of every single thing I put in my mouth, no more popping all those vitamins and pills, or doing all the various treatments, no need to shop online for the best price of all those things, no more fund raising. 

These seniors expressed well  that as we grow, there will be painful challenges.  Will we get tough, learn discipline and control over our appetite, or will we walk away?  Listening to their stories of pain, I remember when I walked away.  I had joined my college track team after being out of shape for 2 or 3 years.  I hated practice.  I almost died at each practice… and they were going easy on me too.  I managed one meet, and then I quit.  Since then, I really never thought too much about that decision.  But hearing these seniors speak, and evidencing the lessons they learned, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better I would be doing with this current battle had I conquered that one? 

Recently, the results of my bone scan showed the cancer has spread to a few more vertebrae and ribs, and my hips.  Not all this pain is cancer related but has come as a chiropractic problem, because of having adjusted the way I walk.   Can one be thankful for a thing they also hate? For though thankful for God’s grace of teaching me so much during this season of pain, I really want to be done with it.  I don’t like hobbling around and getting up and down with greater difficulty than the 80 year olds I know. 

I am recently back from a check-up at the clinic in Mexico and they started me on a new protocol.  The anti-toxin will actually cause even more cancer/bone pain.  But that means it is working.  So pain is again, a good sign.  No pain, no gain, as they say.  Doctors tell me that bones hurt a lot as they heal.  So, more thankfulness for the thing I hate.  And if you want to speak to me about pain, I am at a good stage to learn from you.  Speak out.

More Suspense and The Results are In

I started this on Thursday, Nov.7, 13:

Last night I woke up several times.  This indicates that I’m not being as accepting of a possible “bad” report as I would like to be.  The question always on my mind, “What will the tumor count be this time?”  I’ve had more pain this month – that means growing cancer to one doctor, but to another it means “reparative healing pain.”   Has enough emotional healing occurred to have affected the outcome of the tumor marker test?  Maybe, but ostensibly it seems it would take a couple of months to register.  I hear from the doctors that bone cancer repairs very slowly.

The LORD brings me back to a conversation we had just a few days ago as I talked to him about  fear and doubt.  He gave me some instruction. 

1. Fear – whatever it comes from – He wants me to take it, wad it up, as I would a sheet of paper – and toss it to Him.  I am reminded of several True statements in the Word. 

Ps 23: I will fear no evil, for you are with me, you comfort.

Ps 27:  The LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

Ps 34: I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Ps 91: He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High… will not fear….

IJohn 4: There is no fear in love.

I have been doing this in my imagination, wadding up the fear and throwing it to him.  It works quite well for me.  The Spirit has no problem just gobbling up that fear and making it disappear.

Then there is the doubt.  I find myself doubting that God has healing in my future; doubting the effectiveness of all the treatments I’m doing; doubting that the promises in the Bible are for me.  I never doubt that God is able, just that He will.  God’s reminder for me is to remember that such doubts are from the evil one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  They are the fiery arrows of the evil one.  (Ephesians 6)  I must stand.  I must get involved with the battle.  Those doubts are deadly and destructive.  Jesus spoke directly to Thomas, “Stop doubting and believe.” (John 20:27)  If anyone is to be believed, IT IS JESUS!  (Always ringing in my ear as I go the way of doubt are Jesus' words to me, "Consider Abraham.")

The Results:

Nov. 10, 13 

Above was my stopping point, for at that moment I got the lab report and learned that the tumor marker had gone up again.  It climbed almost 100 points and is now at 315.  I needed to move on at that point and process with God and with Dave, and get news to key people and doctors in Mexico.  I was disappointed.  I allowed myself to feel the sadness on Friday.  I still believe that this is all for the best; but I can’t help wishing I could move on.  It’s not that I’m so sick and tired of cancer; but rather of all the time it takes to treat it.  I am incredibly thankful that I’m not chemo or radiation sick and tired.  But nevertheless, I am getting weary of always looking for something healthy to cook/buy/eat/drink/blend/juice; and popping all the pills; and hooking myself up to all the infusions; and sweating it out in all the tubes and saunas; and going to so many appointments.  I miss the non-medical life.  Yet, I am still thankful.  Frankly what I read on FB and hear from friends, I wouldn’t want their aches and pains and sufferings – even though those are not considered terminal things, they seem a lot harder than what I’m dealing with.  So, we all keep praying for one another.

And I still believe that I am on the right track and moving toward healing.  To all who are reading this and who are praying for me and encouraging me, thank you.  I have felt so incredibly loved through these months.  All those kindnesses have been a healing salve, and probably doing as much, if not more good, as all the other treatments.  God Bless Each and Every One of You.

Oh That Monthly Marker Suspense

Today I had my 9^th tumor marker test since all this began.  One would think it would be easy by now.  Well, the blood giving is easy.  The waiting for results seems to always be rather, hmm, how shall I put it?  Suspenseful?  Not necessarily in a good way, like when I gave birth those three times, having not peeked at the ultrasound images.  All those suspenseful months of wondering, finally delivering, pleading to know, “Is it a boy or a girl?”  Either way was a win!  Can’t seem to put the tumor marker suspense in the same class.

Though, this month I am incredibly grateful for the cancer and the physical pain it brings as it has awakened in me a desire to be emotionally healed of bad memories that I found ‘hiding out.’ Various ugly situations that were  blocked or ignored, have become dislodged.  I have now welcomed these scabs into the light of truth, released stored heart pain and offered forgiveness, thus feeling lighter and more joyful as I am getting to know the person I was meant to be, one not shackled and in hiding.

My greatest thrill is to realize how easily I hear the Holy Spirit’s voice.  He has accompanied me through all passages of life.  I am finally seeing where He was in many of my stories.  Ah ha moments of  “Oh that was You!  Oh yes, now I recognize you.  I know that voice!” I am also finding how much more deeply I want to know God.  I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him.  As He leads me through this valley of the shadow of death,  I feel his grace always around me.  He is my shield and helper.  I continue to memorize various chapters from the Bible, and find much wisdom and comfort in those Living Words.  I admit it.  I really like where I am right now.

So, as I drove to Kaiser today, I talked to Father God about how I might handle my emotions this time around as I wait for results.  And how I might grapple with a count that goes up instead of down, a scenario I always dread.

In light of my gratefulness to my body for getting my attention, and to God who brings me to Truth and healing, if I stay a while longer in “high tumor marker land,” then I will say,   

"Thank you Lord.  You have me just where you want me.  I am in your hands.  What is next?"   

I will keep pressing in closer to God to keep the inner growth happening.  Likewise, I am sure  that I won’t whoop and holler.  But I will feel ready for the challenge.

If the counts go down.  Okay, yes, the party spirit will be very present!  I will feel incredibly lavished in grace.   Celebration will be happening.

These are the things going through my head as I wait in suspense for the report to come in.

Whose Joy? And Joyful About What?

How do you picture God?  What kind of mood would you say He is in today?  Can you describe who God is to you.  These are questions I have been asked over the years in various group situations.  I usually come up with someone pretty likeable, which is why I was so surprised at my reaction the other night in our Care Group to Melanie’s statement that “the joy of the Lord is our strength” means “the Lord’s joy is our strength.”  I just never thought about it that way.  I’ve rather defined that verse to mean that when I think about the Lord, then I have joy, because He  is so awesome, which leads to a sense of strength. With this strength I can continue on, because I know who I belong to.

But hold on.  The Lord is joyful?  Why did this strike me as so phenomenal or odd.  Had my picture of him really not included the emotion of joy?  As I took a short hike in the hills this evening to enjoy nature and the sunset amongst the Disneylandish throng of people who have discovered our hills, I began contemplating how I did see God.  "Joyous" really was not my first handhold.   Geez, He has so many people to feel bad for.  Like me, I have cancer, and like several of my friends with bad diseases.  Then there’s all the starving people, and terrorists, and just lots of lost and confused people.  I guess I’ve just been picturing a pretty stressed out, saddened God, carrying all the sorrow and grief of the ages.  Silly me.

Often times when I arrive at a certain lookout on this walk I will stop and pray for the city; I just realized that at that juncture I am praying to a sad God, One Who, with me is looking out on all those miserable people who have no hope, who are working too hard, or drinking too much, are in unhappy living situations, or hate their jobs.  Poor God.  It’s a good thing I am praying for these people, just trying to share the burden with him.

But now I have this new idea… a joyful God!  There is that verse in the Bible (Hebrews12:2)  that says that Jesus decided to endure the cross for the JOY set before him.  What was that joy?  Our family recently re-watched one of our favorite movies, Hook.  And there is that struggle and suspense of wondering if Peter Banning will ever be able to think a Happy Thought so that he can fly again, fight Captain Hook, and rescue his children.  Finally it comes.  His Happy Thought is his son; and with that, he can fly, and fight and rescue.  As I think of the joy set before Jesus, I think of all of us who have chosen to follow him, and all those who still will.  We are his happy thoughts.   As I returned back home on the trail tonight, and looked out on the city to pray, everything changed.  I was now looking out on all those people who love Jesus, and all of those who may not realize it, but they will soon know Him.  My prayer was made new, strengthened by the Lord’s joy.  How had I missed that joy before?  He is exuding joy as He thinks about all of us people He loves.

I didn’t feel I could publish this without checking the original language, Hebrew, to make sure that my commentary is accurate.  But first I checked other commentaries, and they all focused, as I did until last week, on the joy we feel because of the Lord.  (So, I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who missed out on the fact that the Lord owns joy!)  Alas, the Hebrew word for joy, used in this verse is only used one other time in the Bible.  (There is another word that is more frequently used for joy whenever it expresses emotion felt by man.) This joy, both times, is said to belong to the Lord.  His joy!  Every Hebrew word, including this word for joy, has a root word.  The pictograph assigned to those three letters is “behold, a door in the fence.”  I love how this concurs with what I was thinking.  God’s joy is us, he provides that door, that way in, for us to find Him.  (I found my info here: http://skipmoen.com/tag/nehemiah-810/, too good not to share.)  God's Joy = A way for us to find  Him!  Behold!  I love it!

How It All Worked Out Choosing and Going to Hope For Cancer Clinic in Mexico

 Because I've been asked:

It’s not just anybody who will head out to a cancer clinic across the border for treatment, especially if they already have insurance.  So how did it come to be?  How did I know it was right?  Have I continued to feel good about the decision to “go alternative?”

When I battled breast cancer in 2009-2010 with chemotherapy and radiation I swore to myself I would not do that again.  Even then, I had begun my research for alternative therapies.  But at that time I felt like I had to act so quickly, so I was reluctant to waste any time, not wanting cancer to spread to any organs. So I succumbed to the Big 3 for cancer: surgery, chemo, and radiation.  If I had it to do over, I would not have let them take my lymph nodes, and maybe not even remove the tumor or the breast.  I’ve learned a lot since then, and met some women who have not been cut up, have only used alternative therapies, and are doing very well.  They never had to suffer the sickness that accompanies chemo and radiation; they have not had six+ weeks of recovery to deal with the after effects of surgery, and the six months - three years of recovering from chemo poisoning.

Another reason would I not do the chemo again?  I hate nausea.   I also do not ever want the stomach flu again.  I want to die when I’m nauseous. I don’t like being in that frame of mind.  Nausea erases truth from my being – I forget that I want to glorify God, and be around for Dave, the kids, family and friends.  I also hate the idea of poison flooding through my blood vessels destroying cells, doing damage.  Yes, it is good they destroy cancer cells, but really, so much collateral damage?  I feel similarly about radiation.  While it does destroy cancer cells, it also mucks with the healthy ones, predisposing them to cancer.  So, while I’m getting help with one kind of cancer, I’m setting myself up for another.

So there’s my rant of why I wanted to try something different.  There are an awful lot of “cures” out there. There’s a lot of anecdotal proofs of success.  How does one choose?  Oasis of Hope was a name that kept getting referred to me because of friends who personally knew someone who went there with cancer, and came back well.  I read the owner’s  book, I talked to them on the phone, and I had decided that would be the place to check into, if cancer ever returned.

Even my Kaiser oncologist said he’d bless my efforts if cancer returned.  He discouraged me from going when I was fighting stage 3 breast cancer.  But he said that the medical community cannot do much for stage 4 cancer… so what would it hurt to try?

The one thing I’d always said about having cancer the first two times, is had there not been tests, or lumps, I would not have known I had cancer growing, because I felt great.  (This third time there has been bone pain and tiredness, but not excessively.)  Using alternative therapies allows me to continue to feel good even while fighting off cancer.

Just before my diagnosis, my friend Rivi, was diagnosed with stage 4 bile duct cancer; it had gone to her liver.  I immediately gave her the information I had gathered on Oasis of Hope.  She researched that place and several others,  traveled to Tijuana to  visit these places for herself, and learn what treatment plan they had to offer.  She returned, thoroughly convinced that Hope For Cancer (H4C), not Oasis of Hope was the place to go.  Her daughter immediately began a fund drive to get the $30,000 needed for the treatments.  The reason she, and ultimately, we chose H4C, is that they had everything Oasis had (including their previous medical director), plus much more.  The director, Dr. Tony Jimenez, stays on the cutting edge of cancer treatments, and jumps in to implement what is working… hence the reason we stay so busy while at the clinic.

God used Rivi to help me believe that the impossible amount of money could be raised.  She has not received a regular salary for years, depending on donations for her speaking ministry, Hope of Israel Ministry (H.I.M.) http://thehopeofisrael.org.  Her network of supporters and friends span the world.  Within a couple of weeks, they had received the full amount needed.  (Though the prescriptions continue to cost about $1000 a month… feel free to bless her through her website.)  Still, I could not fathom how we would raise so much.  Rivi insisted that we try.  She was confident God would supply for me as He had for her.  Seth and Dave took on the challenge, and soon money started coming in.  After a few weeks we had received $10,000.   I was reduced to tears of unbelief and a sense of deep gratitude and love with each gift.   It seemed the gifts themselves were healing salve. 

Yet, $10,000 was not $30,000, and I began to wonder if I we should really spend so much.  Perhaps I should give it a go at home, and begin putting into practice everything I was learning from my research on alternative treatments.  Yet, we made the trip to Mexico to meet with Dr. Tony, and just let him know we were waiting on the funds.  I wanted to start in earnest with whatever treatment plan I decided, as soon as Ariana’s graduation took place.  That was two weeks away.  I was confused, and unable to make a decision on which route to take.  Dr. Phil Millman was my Whittier doctor who was providing me with Vitamin C infusions.  They were helping me to feel better.  He was working on a plan for me.  Yet I longed for even more direction.  So I finally put it out there in prayer to God:  If you want me to go to H4C, I need a sign.  Though we could come up with the $20,000 on our own (I learned that several of the patients borrowed money for the treatment), I wanted to see God answer me with more donations; and I wanted to see physically that I needed it.  As I said, I was feeling pretty good – why spend money if was already healed?

I got my answers.  Inexplicably, after a few dry weeks, more money came in - $10,000 plus, within about a week.  I also got my tumor marker test back – the number had jumped up quite high in the past month.  I actually felt grateful for such a clear answer to my prayer.  I called Mexico and scheduled my arrival time.  I knew, beyond a doubt, that I was supposed to go.

(I must add that it is scary to leave the comfortable, traditional medical field and launch out into the experimental.  Who else is doing this?  Who is it working for?  Though I read many books and articles, I really wished I could meet someone, who had walked this path.  It made all the difference for me to go to Mexico, stay at the clinic for a day, and meet the patients that were doing what I wanted to do. Also, the fact that my friend Rivi went just a month before me was a huge encouragement. Frankly, it is a little scary to try something unconventional.  Once at the clinic, surrounded by other cancer patients, and watching them get better was a huge confirmation as well.)

Ariana graduated on a Saturday.  We had her party the same day, and on Tuesday, Dave drove Davita and I to the border to be picked up by the H4C medical van.  Treatments began that day. A week later, Ariana replaced Davita, and she stayed with me the last two weeks.

I am glad I went for treatments.  It was an awful big check to write out.  As I mentioned earlier, I think part of my cure was in receiving so many gifts, so much display of love, such an outpouring of care - how could my disease not respond to that.  Love conquers all!

My next blog will be about the very interesting Recall Healing derived from the studies of Dr. Hamer, a German oncologist. http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/hamer.html  I’m not entirely sure I agree with it all – but I must say, it is intriguing.

On Memorizing Scripture

Memorizing verses and chapters from the Bible is a discipline that is life-changing, mood-changing, perspective-changing, meditative, leads to new passage ways for knowledge, understanding and wisdom, and yet we rarely hear about these results, and are seldom encouraged to memorize.  Though I have memorized Bible verses since I was a Kindergartner (and can still recite some of those – thank you Mrs. Leach), I think the turning point for me to grasp its import was in college when one of my “required Bible class” professors, Dr. Thompson, gave us the option to be creative, and do something besides a term paper.  After talking it over, we decided I would memorize huge chunks of Scripture (and make a slide show to explain my world view.)  I wanted his guidance, and allowed him to choose the memory work.  He surprised me, and chose several passages from Exodus and Deuteronomy.  I think my understanding of the Jewish roots of Christianity started right there.  I have since memorized many of the prayers in the New Testament, and several Psalms.  All have hugely impacted me.  Yet, my track record is not good.  I am one of many, who knows what good to do, but doesn’t consistently do it.  I hope, during this chapter of my life, with the refreshed experience of seeing the difference God is making in my life with Psalm 33 as I am dealing with cancer, will kick start-me into a regular discipline of always memorizing.

Because of my present situation, I sometimes lie in bed and over-think.  The hormone-blocker med I receive leads to some insomnia, so as tired as I may be, I’ll just lie in bed as the processing begins.  I have found it successful to stop the dark or time-wasting thoughts immediately by simply reviewing a chapter just memorized.  Being now comfortable enough with the order of the words, I can begin focusing on the meaning, stopping at a certain verse, and thinking more deeply about it.  I’ll consider how certain conversations, or passages in a recently read book will support or explain a verse.  Suddenly I’m meditating about something that is true and right, and sensing the help and shield of God during such times.

There are so many ways to read and enjoy the Scripture.   Many of the good stories in the Bible have become songs, picture books, movies, and cartoons for kids; they are highlighted in Sunday School lessons and coloring books.  They are also used as outlines for sermons and Bible lessons.  Devotional books abound in stores and online, and most guide us to read a few verses and then a lesson follows.  This is all good.  Whether we read and meditate on our own, hear a Biblically based sermon, or watch a rendering of a book of the Bible, we are getting the Word into our hearts and minds.

Yet as I think about the Bible being the inspired Word of God it gives me the chills.  These are words that hold power, influence, truth, and life.  It seems to follow that these are words we would desire to know intimately, words we would want to memorize and hold closely.  In this way, we can take our time and befriend each word and concept.  We can compare and contrast more fluently to other concepts and ideas that are presented to us.  We now have a standard of truth.  But it reaches ever more deeply inside.  We begin grasping the hope that God has called us to; we begin to realize those things that Christ most highly values – and we begin to value the same – we begin, God willing, to emulate that which we are learning.

For me this process does not happen quickly.  It is happening slowly.  It happens with conversation, experiences, disappointments and ah-ha moments of clarity.  It happens after moments of stillness, listening to the thoughts God brings, tying concepts of truth into a tapestry of wisdom.

I have finished memorizing Psalm 33 and have begun Ephesians 1.  And though I am only 8 verses in, I am grasping a few key values.  “Grace” has shown up several times: “grace and peace to you,”  “to the praise of his glorious grace, freely given to us,” “the riches of God’s grace – lavished on us.” And interspersed his shown God’s desire that we are holy and blameless, forgiven.  But we all know that we are sinners, we do sin, and God could have a very long list on each of us.  I had just memorized in Psalm 33 that God considers everything I do, and his eyes are on those whose hope is in his unfailing love. I sometimes think of the long lists I could write up about my grievances; and the lists that could be written about me. Do I respond as God has responded to me?  Do I consider what others have done, yet continue to love?  Do I look for ways to extend forgiveness; do I lavish grace on others as it has been lavished on me?

This has to be real though – not just a nice Sunday School lesson.  I would be wrong to say “I forgive” when indeed I have not taken time to really consider another’s heart, my own heart, the forgiveness I’ve experienced,  and then get to a stage of realizing that I can move on and let go – at a real level, nothing stuffed.  And in this season, as I’m trying to clean up my inner life with “recall healing,” this memory work is a blessing, as its wisdom complements the concepts of remembering, forgiving, accepting, and transcending, then leaving behind the unneeded pain and consequences of my and other’s bad actions.

Feverish Thoughts from a Tired Mind

--> I’ve been running a fever, dealing with chills, and an achy body for two days.  If I am being examined by one of the “western” docs - he is befuddled and wondering if I have a hidden infection and the “alternative” docs, think this is all symptomatic of my body detoxing.  Either way they are showing great concern and care for me.

I have found life to be a little spiritually dry at this place.  Even though a guy comes on Sunday morning, and another gal leads something on Wednesday, it is like bringing in the T-Ball players for a Major League game.  These two have great hearts, but they are not speaking to my needs.  So I went over to Oasis of Hope, the clinic where I had originally planned on staying.  I wandered through the halls until I found the patients, got to know a couple of them, and then asked about the spiritual climate there.  What they shared was so encouraging that I have returned for the 10 AM worship time and intend on going to their Sunday service. I love how God provides.  (I’ve only been able to go once because this fever has slowed me down.) Another nice thing will be that an Orphanage nearby will come and pick some of us up on Sunday so we can get a tour and the kids can pray for us.  (They always need food.  So if you see this before Saturday, try to contact my brother Steve or my friend Marta so that they can bring the food up when they visit on Saturday/Sunday.)

There are those things that I will miss when I leave here, and those things that I will not miss.

I will miss;

*A daily view of the ocean, walks on the boardwalk, watching dolphins and sea lions.

*New friends made here, great healing conversations, Canasta games (yes Sundins, let’s continue in Whittier – though I think it will be a game of three, with Dave adding comic relief.)

*Someone doing my laundry each day, cleaning my room, making my bed, cooking all my meals, making all my drinks.

*Diligence of doctors and nurses to make sure I complete all of my treatments.  (I chose not to do the Full Body Hyperthermia today since I’m already running a fever.  I actually had to sign off on a paper that I changed my protocol!)

*The amazing state-of-the-art biological dentistry here at “Mexico” costs.  Incredible.  I am coming back!

*An avocado almost everyday!  Yum.

I will not miss:

*The loud motorcycles screaming up and down the street in the wee hours of the morning; car horns going off for minutes at a time when I’m trying to sleep.

*Green drinks –  I am getting my fill of them, and I suppose I need to keep making and drinking them when I get home.  Really tired of the 4 glasses a day.

*Having my vitals taken 4 or 5 times a day.

*Undressing and dressing so many times each day for the treatments.

*Having so many conversations with “cancer” as the main topic.

*The pain I feel for staff that work such long hours here.  It seems so wrong, especially when there are little kids at home who must never see their moms and dads.

*Long days with few breaks.  I think when I get home I will sleep for three days straight.

*Missing my husband, kids, home, church, neighbors, chicken, bed.  Two weeks is the optimum amount of time for me to be away.  Three weeks is tough.
*Throwing used toilet paper into trashcans rather than toilet. (I am a spoiled American.)

A Day in the Life

I sure have not blogged as much as I thought I would from Mexico.  I am really quite busy with all the treatments.  I take walks each day, to get a break from the routine, but also to enjoy the ocean and the neighborhood.  Meal times are always enjoyable with the other patients - so that is three hours of eating/socializing, just with that.  So here is what my day looks like with treatments:

Wake up and go into sauna (25 min) or hyperthermia bed (45 min).  These places are about 110 degrees and I end up with about 101.5 degrees body temperature.  This serves to help me sweat out toxins.

Then I have breakfast, take a walk on the boardwalk, and come back to start infusions.  I get Vitamin C, (2 hours) Calcium (1 hour), Double Helix Water (30 min), Poly MVA (30 min), Laetrile (1 hour).   

http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/featured-therapies/poly-mva.html  This page also has links to all the other infusions that I am receiving.

While receiving the infusions I will start some of my other treatments –

Indiba (30 min)– this applies heat right in the area of cancer – helps to kill it.

More info on Indiba:http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/core-therapies/hyperthermia.html 

Ondamed  (30 min)– this is an electro magnetic type treatment that helps reset my lymphatic system and immune system.

I forgot to get a picture.  Picture me with an antennae type thing hanging on my neck, and a  large combed pad on my back.

http://www.ondamed.co.uk/general/faq.php

Photo-Sono Dynamic Therapy.  On my first night I took an oral/sublingual substance that took 24 hours to reach the cancer and stay there – the following therapies trigger that substance to kill cancer.

This is actually 3 steps:

Laser light (30 min)  First picture is the light, and it goes against my skin, as shown in second picture.

Full Spectrum Light  (1 hour)

And Ultra sound. (25 min) The device below is used in areas of cancer.  This can be done with a gel or in a bathtub.

 More info about this treatment: http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/core-therapies/spdt.html

I stay 30 minutes under a Near Infra-Red light each day.

I also take 2 or 3 walks of one to two miles each day.

We are tracked down and given 4 glasses of green juice, 1 glass of red juice, a plate of nuts and a tall glass of coconut water each day.

Vitals are taken 4 times a day.  My oxygen level has been staying high at 98 - 99%.

 

Meal time is a nice time to catch up with all the patients.

The treatment I am most looking forward to is called Recall Therapy.  This will happen next week.  I have been given several sheets of questions to fill out in regards to difficult times or traumas I have experienced.  The goal is to find those things that I have buried, rather than dealt with.  The premise is that when cancer patients deal with these things their healing process is accelerated.  We have heard of some amazing stories of healing as a result of this process.  The anticipation of this has added new dimensions of conversations with other patients.  We are all ready to go deep and to get well, not just of cancer, but in our inner self.

I have been feeling pretty good.  I have even less pain than when I first arrived.  My energy is good.  Socially - I have been glad to have one of my daughters with me; even though there are developing friendships here, it's just nice to have some comfort from home.  It makes me feel more whole.

Thanks again for your prayers.  I also want to thank so many that have helped financially.  I want to thank everyone personally, and I eventually will.  If I haven't yet sent you a greeting, please know that I am so appreciative and I will.  The therapy here is definitely worth the high cost.  The care given and research to back up all the treatments is very impressive.  They will send me home with treatments for one month.  They also suggest many supplements that can cost up to $400 a month; but they will help me figure out which ones are absolutely necessary.  I do want to stay diligent in fighting the cancer, but likewise I don't want treatments to take over my life once I get this back under control.  I am determined that cancer not be my "life."

The Veil of Death is Gone

A whirlwind of activity has kept me away from writing.  Ariana’s graduation is soon upon us, her grades are due, the announcements must be sent.  I’m the mom in charge of Grad Night (actually an all day activity next Thursday), and I’m also finishing a class at Rio Hondo College.  Sandwiched between these things are lots of doctor visits.

The best news is that I am no longer thinking about dying.  It seems after the prayer time a couple Saturdays ago, the visit to Mexico, and a consult with a local doctor, I began believing that I would be healed; that I would beat this cancer for another season, or perhaps for good.  I didn’t even realize that veil of death was on me, until it left.  What a difference.  I feel more alive, more joyful, more ready to fight.  I thought I felt all those things before.  Yet something very distinctive has happened a couple weeks ago.  I am lighter.  It makes me think of the verse in I Corinthians 13:12, that now we see through a glass darkly, but later will see clearly (my paraphrase).  We don’t really think about how unclearly we see right now.  But one day, I believe, when we see truly, we’ll wonder how we ever believed we understood anything in this life.

A couple days ago I received the treatment plan from Hope For Cancer.  It includes things like photo dynamic therapy, sono dynamic therapy; two of the following IV’s: Vitamin C Therapy, Poly MVA, and Laetrile/B-17; Hyperthermia – both local and body; along with those are a host of supportive therapies: aloe-med therapy, nutrition, coffee enema, near infra red lamp and sauna, double helix water, ozone therapy, onda-med, and psychological searching for cancer roots; then there are a series of assessments.  I’ve researched most of these, and they all have impressive results in beating cancer.

I have not entirely ruled out using a local doctor who can guide me through many of these same therapies.  This same doctor has started me on the Vitamin C IV therapy.  This builds up my immune system to fight cancer, and can also kill cancer cells.  He may also soon start me on another therapy (hydrogen peroxide).  So, we try a few things until my next tumor marker test (May 21).  I am comfortable doing this, since I didn’t want to do nothing, while waiting to go to Mexico after Ariana’s graduation.

Yet, as I consider all the driving around I’ve done this last couple of weeks, staying at one location for 3 weeks, and having all the treatments come to me, seems very healing. However, the huge expense continues to bother me.  I am always one who is looking for a deal.  My son is adamant I stay on the path to Hope For Cancer.  Maybe it’s time for another family meeting. We continue to need wisdom as we process alternatives.

My big worry right now, is about money, but not in the way one would suspect.  I worry about what to do with the donation money if I don’t need it after all.  What if I find a treatment plan that is not as expensive as Mexico’s $30,000, but which still works?  What if God heals me?  So I am not cashing checks yet.   I hope that doesn’t make people nervous.  (I cashed one check because of request to do so.)  I have kept most of the money in paypal, in case I need to return it.  (Though Kaiser bills and co-pays are coming in.  We’re at about $1600 already.)   And there have been other therapies that I’m doing ($500ish so far).  It is a huge responsibility to have all this money to take care of.  (By the way, we are at about $15,000 now!  Yes I do praise God!  What a great help! I am confident He will supply all that we need.)  So I am keeping track of all the expenses and bills that I am paying with the donation money.  If ever any of you would like to see that, please ask.  Accountability is a good thing.

Needless to say, I am very curious about the next tumor marker result.  A lot has happened this month with prayer and alternative therapies.  My diet has changed a lot.  Sugar, flour, white rice, most dairy, and most meat are off my plate.  I feel much better.  I am not so run down as I was a month ago.  Naps are not as frequent or necessary.  Pain in my back is mostly non-existent.

Thanks for continued prayer and love.  It is a huge therapy for me! My hope remains in God’s unfailing love.  “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death, and to keep alive in famine.”  (ha ha, my diet sometimes feels like famine.)

Saturday Prayer Time

What a whirlwind of meetings and an abundance of information these days.  My house is a mess, I’m barely home; my brain and heart are full; now I must digest and sort out, and be still and know God, and allow Him to guide, (and wave a magic wand to clean this house.)

One thing is certain, that with all this prayer, and meetings with doctors and  interviews with cancer patients in Mexico, I have shed my aura of “I am going to die soon,” and feel rather “I am going to live.  I am going to beat this cancer.  God is bringing healing!”  I am not out of touch with reality, but rather, am more fully embracing the truth that no disease or statistic or doctor is going to tell me when I will die.  I am alive right now, and I don’t need to embrace any thought of death, any more than the rest of us who could be in a car accident and die tomorrow.  How sorrowful if we always grieved what might be, rather than live and love what we have right now.

We had an awesome prayer time last Saturday, and I want to take time to consider the spiritual aspect, and then later I’ll write to help me process the medical side.  On Saturday three of us were prayed for; each getting about an hour of focused attention; first for Nancy, for healing from MS, then me, and afterwards for Sandy, for healing of ALS.

There are five things that stood out during the prayers for me; healing, nature, bad, dancing, and Hezekiah.  Of course the “prayer warriors” asked for healing.  They did not beg, but simply asked, as they anointed me with oil.  Often involved with intensive times of prayer is the listening aspect, which brings “words of knowledge” or things people would not necessarily know if God had not brought it to mind.  Two of the people praying for me, Brandon and Judy, had never met me, and only knew I was dealing with stage 4 cancer.  These “words” can be relevant to healing, not just of the body, but to the whole person.

One of the first things Brandon mentioned, after listening to God, was that he sensed I loved nature, and that this was very pleasing to God.  We kind of laughed over some imagery of the Jolly Green Giant, or the scene from Hidden Valley commercials, where he “saw” me dressed in green and walking out of the hills into a beautiful green, lush valley.  The main idea was “Diana does well in nature.  She loves God’s creation. This is not just a comfortable place, but a joyful place.  And it brings God pleasure that she is living out this part of the character He built into her.”

This imagery was right on.  I love being in nature.  I feel close to God.  I love his creation.  I am enlivened.  My ears are attuned to each bird song, to the sound of air as it courses through the feathers of a crow flying by, to the beauty of a shadow cast by a small pebble early in the morning.  So, bingo!   So though this may not have been directly related to healing, it alerted me that God was speaking, and sharing his secrets.

 I think it was Judy who saw a couple of things.  (I hope I don’t totally fracture her actual words; I’ve waited too long to write it all down.)  She felt perhaps that I am not allowing the “bad” to be spoken.  That perhaps I have too much of a “good Christian girl mentality” and hold back anger or disappointments.  She encouraged me to let it rip.  God does not worry about me messing up his reputation. 

I found this word to be interesting, because it fits with some other recent conversations and thoughts.  A friend told me recently I needed to “unload more often.”  Someone at the first prayer meeting encouraged me in a similar way, to find those things that are causing unrest, stress, anxiety, and to examine and get rid of them.  The oncologist in Mexico said that some of their therapy includes  “Recall Therapy” to help discover and get rid of pain that may have triggered this cancer.  And the doctor we saw yesterday said something similar.  What’s interesting is that I am a pretty laid back person.  I am not easily bothered – nor stressed, though I have my moments.  Mostly, things just roll off me… and if they don’t, I work it out so I don’t have to “vomit” all over someone – I allow them to be a jerk – ‘cus that’s what they’re good at – or maybe they’ve had a tough day, or a tough life. I love showing grace.  Grace is attractive and freeing. 

Also, as I watch some people, who don’t hold back, but are going off on people all too often, I find it ugly and think it causes pain for even more people – I hate their response. I don’t want to become like those who are always looking out for themselves and not caring about the repercussions they cause. Neither do I want to hold disease in my body, if indeed that is what I’m doing.  So, I guess what I’m saying, is that I may have to find a balance. So, I’ve signed up for counseling!  Maybe I can get some guidance in ways to process things or “get rid of the bad” in a healthy way.

One of the prayer warriors saw me needing to, or actually involved in “flagrant praise, worship and dancing.”  “Dancing” is a fun theme, and it was mentioned several times during the prayer hour.  There has to be a sense of freedom and abandon in order for one to dance flagrantly. I love that image.  Free me up Lord! (And yes, I love to dance.)

This too, struck chords in my heart.  I have been inquiring of the LORD about worship.  I have been stuck too long in “head” worship, and I miss my days of free “heart” worship.  I accepted this prayer as a blessing from God.  Watch out.  You just might see me dancing across the top of the Whittier Hills.  Seth just put together a little youtube video on his fund raising page.  He used a song by David Wilcox, and part of the lyrics are “She’s just dancing...” Seth did not know about the details of the prayer time.  See how God works!

One of the last people who prayed had arrived late, and has had little contact with me.  Yet she said that God spoke to her on the drive to Whittier about the story of Hezekiah, who after he was told he would die, asked God for more years.  This was part of my early story.  Using the Hezekiah example, I have asked God for twenty more years.  I loved the confirmation she brought/ God brought.

Since Saturday, I have experienced less pain.  I have not needed to take as many Tylenol to get through the day or night.  I have also had more energy, and have not needed as many naps.  Wouldn't it be so cool if a progressive healing is taking place? Will you all dance with me when this journey is over! I continue to say, nevertheless, my hope is in the unfailing love of the LORD.  His eyes are watching everything; he considers what I do, he knows my heart, and none of this changes whether I have cancer or not.

Hoping For A Wedding

I loved our conversation at our care group tonight.  We continued a conversation about hope.  In the Bible, Paul asks  “Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”  Yet throughout Scripture we are told to put our hope in the LORD.  Oops, does that mean we don’t really have the LORD?  How can we continue to hope in the LORD if we already have him?  “Who hopes for what he already has?”

We were figuring things out.  None of us have seen Him face to face.  We certainly don’t have Him figured out.  There is so much to Him, so much to blow us over.  We’re getting a glimpse, and we’re loving what we see.  Whatever we have of Him, is certainly not all there is.  We barely understand Him at all. So yes, we can continue hoping in Him, because truly, we don’t have all of Him.  Will eternity be long enough to completely behold him?  Will the quest of hope always be what keeps us energized in our relationship to him?

We also thought about the wedding feast of the Lamb.  The day that God  “will marry his church.”  I, being the only married person at the group tonight, was asked what it was like to get ready for a  wedding… so perhaps we can draw comparisons to how we, collectively, as the church, can be preparing.   And then ask, what are we individuals doing to get ready for this wedding celebration?

 It was fun to reminisce with the group about getting ready to marry Dave.   From the day we were engaged, each morning that I woke up, I thought about  my husband-to-be, and I thought about the wedding preparations, and I also thought about my body.  I was preparing my body.  I joined weight watchers (who almost didn’t let me in, because they didn’t see that I had any weight to lose – but money speaks); I worked out regularly; I got tan; as we got closer; got the hair, nails and make-up all prepared.

 But there were the other preparations.  We wanted a great marriage, so we actually went to 4 different counselors; we dealt with things up front.   We thought about our guest list (a bit too much, according to my dad who had to pay that dinner bill).  We wanted everyone there. We also thought we had a corner on love.  No one really knew what true love was until we came around.  Ha ha.  I’ve talked to many a couple since then.  I love how they all have believed that same about their own relationship.  It’s probably the way it should be.

But always we were focused. Every day, our thoughts would turn to the wedding.  We’re getting closer – are we getting it all together?  Is our relationship healthy?  Are we inviting everyone to come? The energy is totally focused on that great day.

I love the comparisons.  There is the great expectation. As believers, we do wake up, with Jesus on our mind.  We thank him for a new day.  We wait to find out how He’ll instruct us for the day.  Or maybe He already has given us the “To Do” list for the day; and we eagerly get started.  We want to be healthy.  We meditate on His word.  We seek counsel and accountability.  We keep inviting guests; we don’t want anyone left out.  And I feel like I have a corner on God’s love for me.  He has a way of making me feel like I am His very favorite.  I know that is not true… but I think that is the way it is supposed to be.