Oh That Monthly Marker Suspense

Today I had my 9^th tumor marker test since all this began.  One would think it would be easy by now.  Well, the blood giving is easy.  The waiting for results seems to always be rather, hmm, how shall I put it?  Suspenseful?  Not necessarily in a good way, like when I gave birth those three times, having not peeked at the ultrasound images.  All those suspenseful months of wondering, finally delivering, pleading to know, “Is it a boy or a girl?”  Either way was a win!  Can’t seem to put the tumor marker suspense in the same class.

Though, this month I am incredibly grateful for the cancer and the physical pain it brings as it has awakened in me a desire to be emotionally healed of bad memories that I found ‘hiding out.’ Various ugly situations that were  blocked or ignored, have become dislodged.  I have now welcomed these scabs into the light of truth, released stored heart pain and offered forgiveness, thus feeling lighter and more joyful as I am getting to know the person I was meant to be, one not shackled and in hiding.

My greatest thrill is to realize how easily I hear the Holy Spirit’s voice.  He has accompanied me through all passages of life.  I am finally seeing where He was in many of my stories.  Ah ha moments of  “Oh that was You!  Oh yes, now I recognize you.  I know that voice!” I am also finding how much more deeply I want to know God.  I am hungry and thirsty for more of Him.  As He leads me through this valley of the shadow of death,  I feel his grace always around me.  He is my shield and helper.  I continue to memorize various chapters from the Bible, and find much wisdom and comfort in those Living Words.  I admit it.  I really like where I am right now.

So, as I drove to Kaiser today, I talked to Father God about how I might handle my emotions this time around as I wait for results.  And how I might grapple with a count that goes up instead of down, a scenario I always dread.

In light of my gratefulness to my body for getting my attention, and to God who brings me to Truth and healing, if I stay a while longer in “high tumor marker land,” then I will say,   

"Thank you Lord.  You have me just where you want me.  I am in your hands.  What is next?"   

I will keep pressing in closer to God to keep the inner growth happening.  Likewise, I am sure  that I won’t whoop and holler.  But I will feel ready for the challenge.

If the counts go down.  Okay, yes, the party spirit will be very present!  I will feel incredibly lavished in grace.   Celebration will be happening.

These are the things going through my head as I wait in suspense for the report to come in.