The Veil of Death is Gone

A whirlwind of activity has kept me away from writing.  Ariana’s graduation is soon upon us, her grades are due, the announcements must be sent.  I’m the mom in charge of Grad Night (actually an all day activity next Thursday), and I’m also finishing a class at Rio Hondo College.  Sandwiched between these things are lots of doctor visits.

The best news is that I am no longer thinking about dying.  It seems after the prayer time a couple Saturdays ago, the visit to Mexico, and a consult with a local doctor, I began believing that I would be healed; that I would beat this cancer for another season, or perhaps for good.  I didn’t even realize that veil of death was on me, until it left.  What a difference.  I feel more alive, more joyful, more ready to fight.  I thought I felt all those things before.  Yet something very distinctive has happened a couple weeks ago.  I am lighter.  It makes me think of the verse in I Corinthians 13:12, that now we see through a glass darkly, but later will see clearly (my paraphrase).  We don’t really think about how unclearly we see right now.  But one day, I believe, when we see truly, we’ll wonder how we ever believed we understood anything in this life.

A couple days ago I received the treatment plan from Hope For Cancer.  It includes things like photo dynamic therapy, sono dynamic therapy; two of the following IV’s: Vitamin C Therapy, Poly MVA, and Laetrile/B-17; Hyperthermia – both local and body; along with those are a host of supportive therapies: aloe-med therapy, nutrition, coffee enema, near infra red lamp and sauna, double helix water, ozone therapy, onda-med, and psychological searching for cancer roots; then there are a series of assessments.  I’ve researched most of these, and they all have impressive results in beating cancer.

I have not entirely ruled out using a local doctor who can guide me through many of these same therapies.  This same doctor has started me on the Vitamin C IV therapy.  This builds up my immune system to fight cancer, and can also kill cancer cells.  He may also soon start me on another therapy (hydrogen peroxide).  So, we try a few things until my next tumor marker test (May 21).  I am comfortable doing this, since I didn’t want to do nothing, while waiting to go to Mexico after Ariana’s graduation.

Yet, as I consider all the driving around I’ve done this last couple of weeks, staying at one location for 3 weeks, and having all the treatments come to me, seems very healing. However, the huge expense continues to bother me.  I am always one who is looking for a deal.  My son is adamant I stay on the path to Hope For Cancer.  Maybe it’s time for another family meeting. We continue to need wisdom as we process alternatives.

My big worry right now, is about money, but not in the way one would suspect.  I worry about what to do with the donation money if I don’t need it after all.  What if I find a treatment plan that is not as expensive as Mexico’s $30,000, but which still works?  What if God heals me?  So I am not cashing checks yet.   I hope that doesn’t make people nervous.  (I cashed one check because of request to do so.)  I have kept most of the money in paypal, in case I need to return it.  (Though Kaiser bills and co-pays are coming in.  We’re at about $1600 already.)   And there have been other therapies that I’m doing ($500ish so far).  It is a huge responsibility to have all this money to take care of.  (By the way, we are at about $15,000 now!  Yes I do praise God!  What a great help! I am confident He will supply all that we need.)  So I am keeping track of all the expenses and bills that I am paying with the donation money.  If ever any of you would like to see that, please ask.  Accountability is a good thing.

Needless to say, I am very curious about the next tumor marker result.  A lot has happened this month with prayer and alternative therapies.  My diet has changed a lot.  Sugar, flour, white rice, most dairy, and most meat are off my plate.  I feel much better.  I am not so run down as I was a month ago.  Naps are not as frequent or necessary.  Pain in my back is mostly non-existent.

Thanks for continued prayer and love.  It is a huge therapy for me! My hope remains in God’s unfailing love.  “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death, and to keep alive in famine.”  (ha ha, my diet sometimes feels like famine.)

Saturday Prayer Time

What a whirlwind of meetings and an abundance of information these days.  My house is a mess, I’m barely home; my brain and heart are full; now I must digest and sort out, and be still and know God, and allow Him to guide, (and wave a magic wand to clean this house.)

One thing is certain, that with all this prayer, and meetings with doctors and  interviews with cancer patients in Mexico, I have shed my aura of “I am going to die soon,” and feel rather “I am going to live.  I am going to beat this cancer.  God is bringing healing!”  I am not out of touch with reality, but rather, am more fully embracing the truth that no disease or statistic or doctor is going to tell me when I will die.  I am alive right now, and I don’t need to embrace any thought of death, any more than the rest of us who could be in a car accident and die tomorrow.  How sorrowful if we always grieved what might be, rather than live and love what we have right now.

We had an awesome prayer time last Saturday, and I want to take time to consider the spiritual aspect, and then later I’ll write to help me process the medical side.  On Saturday three of us were prayed for; each getting about an hour of focused attention; first for Nancy, for healing from MS, then me, and afterwards for Sandy, for healing of ALS.

There are five things that stood out during the prayers for me; healing, nature, bad, dancing, and Hezekiah.  Of course the “prayer warriors” asked for healing.  They did not beg, but simply asked, as they anointed me with oil.  Often involved with intensive times of prayer is the listening aspect, which brings “words of knowledge” or things people would not necessarily know if God had not brought it to mind.  Two of the people praying for me, Brandon and Judy, had never met me, and only knew I was dealing with stage 4 cancer.  These “words” can be relevant to healing, not just of the body, but to the whole person.

One of the first things Brandon mentioned, after listening to God, was that he sensed I loved nature, and that this was very pleasing to God.  We kind of laughed over some imagery of the Jolly Green Giant, or the scene from Hidden Valley commercials, where he “saw” me dressed in green and walking out of the hills into a beautiful green, lush valley.  The main idea was “Diana does well in nature.  She loves God’s creation. This is not just a comfortable place, but a joyful place.  And it brings God pleasure that she is living out this part of the character He built into her.”

This imagery was right on.  I love being in nature.  I feel close to God.  I love his creation.  I am enlivened.  My ears are attuned to each bird song, to the sound of air as it courses through the feathers of a crow flying by, to the beauty of a shadow cast by a small pebble early in the morning.  So, bingo!   So though this may not have been directly related to healing, it alerted me that God was speaking, and sharing his secrets.

 I think it was Judy who saw a couple of things.  (I hope I don’t totally fracture her actual words; I’ve waited too long to write it all down.)  She felt perhaps that I am not allowing the “bad” to be spoken.  That perhaps I have too much of a “good Christian girl mentality” and hold back anger or disappointments.  She encouraged me to let it rip.  God does not worry about me messing up his reputation. 

I found this word to be interesting, because it fits with some other recent conversations and thoughts.  A friend told me recently I needed to “unload more often.”  Someone at the first prayer meeting encouraged me in a similar way, to find those things that are causing unrest, stress, anxiety, and to examine and get rid of them.  The oncologist in Mexico said that some of their therapy includes  “Recall Therapy” to help discover and get rid of pain that may have triggered this cancer.  And the doctor we saw yesterday said something similar.  What’s interesting is that I am a pretty laid back person.  I am not easily bothered – nor stressed, though I have my moments.  Mostly, things just roll off me… and if they don’t, I work it out so I don’t have to “vomit” all over someone – I allow them to be a jerk – ‘cus that’s what they’re good at – or maybe they’ve had a tough day, or a tough life. I love showing grace.  Grace is attractive and freeing. 

Also, as I watch some people, who don’t hold back, but are going off on people all too often, I find it ugly and think it causes pain for even more people – I hate their response. I don’t want to become like those who are always looking out for themselves and not caring about the repercussions they cause. Neither do I want to hold disease in my body, if indeed that is what I’m doing.  So, I guess what I’m saying, is that I may have to find a balance. So, I’ve signed up for counseling!  Maybe I can get some guidance in ways to process things or “get rid of the bad” in a healthy way.

One of the prayer warriors saw me needing to, or actually involved in “flagrant praise, worship and dancing.”  “Dancing” is a fun theme, and it was mentioned several times during the prayer hour.  There has to be a sense of freedom and abandon in order for one to dance flagrantly. I love that image.  Free me up Lord! (And yes, I love to dance.)

This too, struck chords in my heart.  I have been inquiring of the LORD about worship.  I have been stuck too long in “head” worship, and I miss my days of free “heart” worship.  I accepted this prayer as a blessing from God.  Watch out.  You just might see me dancing across the top of the Whittier Hills.  Seth just put together a little youtube video on his fund raising page.  He used a song by David Wilcox, and part of the lyrics are “She’s just dancing...” Seth did not know about the details of the prayer time.  See how God works!

One of the last people who prayed had arrived late, and has had little contact with me.  Yet she said that God spoke to her on the drive to Whittier about the story of Hezekiah, who after he was told he would die, asked God for more years.  This was part of my early story.  Using the Hezekiah example, I have asked God for twenty more years.  I loved the confirmation she brought/ God brought.

Since Saturday, I have experienced less pain.  I have not needed to take as many Tylenol to get through the day or night.  I have also had more energy, and have not needed as many naps.  Wouldn't it be so cool if a progressive healing is taking place? Will you all dance with me when this journey is over! I continue to say, nevertheless, my hope is in the unfailing love of the LORD.  His eyes are watching everything; he considers what I do, he knows my heart, and none of this changes whether I have cancer or not.