To Love Is To Give Life

I remember after Rich Buehler, a favorite Christian radio personality around So Cal, announced that he had terminal cancer three years ago, and didn’t have long to live, that many of his friends decided to give him a living memorial or tribute.  That happened, and we all waited over the next few days for the sad news of his death.  But rather, he lived for almost 2 more years.  Now I don’t know what treatment he was going through, what worked, what didn’t.  In my mind though, I was sure he continued to live because of the love and encouragement he received.

I am now more convinced of this than ever.  How lovely it is to be loved.  This will sound sick, I am sure, but I rather wish everyone could go through something horrible in order to be allowed the privilege of unrestrained love.  With every act of kindness, with every word of encouragement, with every promise of continued prayer I sense my spirit waking up to another day of life – a day that may have been lost – is now reclaimed.  I sense  the cancer being restrained for one more day simply because of being loved.  My mind even now goes to those orphanages in Russia, where babies were found dying.  But once they were daily cuddled and talked to, they began to thrive.  All their other needs were cared for – but love had been left out.

I feel I must temper my enjoyment of this attention – it seems rather indulgent, egotistical, greedy, or gluttonous.  I dreaded my wedding and baby showers because I would have to be, by nature of the beast, the center of attention.  Now I am drinking it in deeply; allowing myself to believe the words, that I am loved and that perhaps I may have been important in someone’s life.  (Oh, I blush to even write that.  I wonder at myself – what type of therapy is this?  Somehow, it must be important, for here I am on this path, dealing with it.) Surely the LORD will help me to sort this all out.  Here I am at the beginning of wondering how to do that.

Even as I look at the first three paragraphs and see that they all begin with the word “I” –  it makes me cringe.  The editor and reserved part of me wants to go back and rearrange those sentences… but then I’d have to delete this paragraph.  Ha.   This experience thus far has shown me how amazing my friends, family, and acquaintances are – how much there is to learn from them all.  I don’t fancy myself as such a giving, caring person as all of these.  I’m taking mental notes.  I’m considering, not just the person on the terminal path, but the one stuck on a lonely path.  How beautiful to find those people and breathe life into them, just as life is being breathed into me.  O Lord, open our eyes to those people who would begin to thrive because of love.

These have been my thoughts for the past week or so.  Raw – quite raw if you know how I struggle with getting attention.  Just keep me in the back of the room.  Yet another thing just came to mind – here comes the blushing again – I cry at parades, and I cry after kids’ performances when everyone is applauding.  I don’t have to know any of those kids.  But it has often made me wonder if I had some unmet need for attention or acclaim. Perhaps it’s not the attention – I actually have received a fair amount of kudos -  perhaps it’s the acceptance of the approval, not believing the compliments as “real.”  I deflect and deny.  (Okay - I will sign up for some therapy.)

To close this out with my original intent; please accept my deep and heartfelt thanks for everyone of you who are praying for me, thinking of me, speaking to me about this, writing, sending, caring.  I truly believe that each act has extended my life one extra day.

(And please note that none of my other paragraphs began with the word “I.”)