Good Things That Got Me Through Today

Today has been one of those roller coaster kinda days.  Woke up to such a beautiful day.  I had wanted to hike early to replace going to Planned Parenthood to pray (they’re closed for construction – so no abortions today.)  But late night stomach aches and 4 am allergies trumped that excellent decision.

I was feeling loved by Seth, who last night was trying to find some time we could have fun canoeing or horseback riding.  Today would have been perfect for being outdoors.  And I was happy Ariana was back home.

Today is Dave’s birthday!  And that made me happy!  The goal for the day – pull off a party… but first, off to ceramics class with Davita.  The first call I got while in class was amazing – my sister-in-law Diana offered to make Dave a cake.  (I am needing rest a lot more now – so that could happen with that gift!)  The second call came from Kaiser.  (I had realized on my CT Scan report that the doctor did not make a comparison with the CT Scan that was taken in 2009.  Being the hopeful person I am – I asked him yesterday to make that comparison, perhaps he would find nothing had changed, and that indeed I just have some anomaly in my bones and tissue that has always been there.)  I found out that was not the case; indeed things have changed.  It hit me hard.  I needed to walk and cry a bit.  It’s hitting me – the reality – and I really don’t want to do this cancer thing again.  So, I had hoped.  And I’ll keep hoping with each of the other tests.  I hope and pray that God will heal me.  I will hope that when those results come back, all will be good.

I was telling Davita on the way home that I felt so defeated and wiped out when hope doesn’t pan out.  I wondered aloud how I’ll handle the real fight against cancer.  Right now I’m just fighting against facts.  Will I just wimp out and give up when the cancer fight gets hard?  Davita is such a mature young lady.  She had all the right words to say. I can’t recall her exact words because I was a bit of a basket case.  I just know that her words, her honesty, her love brought me back to reality and normality… and now I’m good again.  It was a confidence builder for me too, learning that she can handle my emotions.  As a mom, I want to be the strong one, setting the example of faith.  It was good for her to see me raw, and know that she could deal with mom that way.

Part of Dave’s party was to have us each share our favorite song… really, how can one do that?  As Dave Owens said, that’s like asking us to each tell about our favorite child.  But we did all come up with a song we like a lot.

Several months ago I resurrected my Dan Fogelberg albums and have been enjoying his music.  In college days “Netherlands” was my favorite.  The music is epic.  Here are the lyrics, but you really need to hear the music:

Netherlands Lyrics

High on this mountain The clouds down below I'm feeling so strong and alive 

From this rocky perch I'll continue to search For the wind And the snow And the sky 

I want a lover I want some friends And I want to live in the sun 

And I want to do all the things that I never have done. 

Sunny bright mornings And pale moonlit nights Keep me from feeling alone 

Now, I'm learning to fly And this freedom is like Nothing that I've ever known 

I've seen the bottom And I've been on top But mostly I've lived in between 

And where do you go When you get to the end of your dream? 

Off in the nether lands I heard a sound Like the beating of heavenly wings 

And deep in my brain I can hear a refrain Of my soul as she rises and sings 

Anthems to glory and Anthems to love and Hymns filled with early delight 

Like the songs that the darkness Composes to worship the light. 

Once in a vision I came on some woods And stood at a fork in the road 

My choices were clear Yet I froze with the fear Of not knowing which way to go 

One road was simple Acceptance of life The other road offered sweet peace 

When I made my decision My vision became my release.

I’ve always liked the sense of adventure and mystery and choices of this song; and how strongly nature is involved… of course my world view has God written all over this song too.  And so each day I come to a fork in the road.  Will I choose God or will I choose fear.  Anyone of you may find me plagued by fear at some point – and it’s okay to speak those words of truth and get me back on the road of peace.   (Guess I am not sure why Fogelberg has made “acceptance of life” and “sweet peace” as two different ways to go – it may be they can be found on the same path.)

I don’t like having to deal with raw disappointment.  It knocks me off kilter.  That’s what happened today.   And it will probably happen again.  So, there is my rambling.