Confirmed Mets

Well, it’s probably good I wasn’t with my computer 2 hours ago.  Everything I felt was dark, hopeless, confused, sad, and I wanted to escape.  I got a surprise email from my oncologist.  He had already received the test results to the bone biopsy.  They told me it could be a week before they knew.  It came back as positive for the breast cancer – estrogen positive – definitely mets.  It is so hard to take bad news when my hope was for good news.  All the  prayers, all the stupid little pills I’m taking, all the carrot juice I’m drinking – I really hoped for different news.

Dave and Seth were not at home.  Seth is off doing celebratory groomsmen things.  Dave  working with a client in Long Beach.  I went outside first, just to sit and absorb the news, and wonder why I was taking it so hard.   It’s not like I haven’t known it.  I even think Seth and Dave would say – “Well yeah, we know, you were told about this several weeks ago.”  But it feels like such bad news to me, like hearing it for the first time.

I went back in the house, and Davita’s first words were, “Mom, you found out the test results already?”  Ariana and I asked her later how she knew.  Ariana was wondering if she’d missed something.  Davita answered, “Your face mom, it looked like you just got bad news.  I was with you before when you got the other phone call – you had the same expression.”  Wow.  I had no idea my face revealed so much.  I know Dave’s face does, but not my own. He must be rubbing off on me.

Well, there were real tears and crying this time.  I know it’s all still sinking in.  I wasn’t very optimistic or full of faith or courage 2 hours ago.  Just sadness.  I don’t want to make decisions about treatment, because I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know whose advice to take.  How does one finally become confident in any certain treatment?  How do I hand out $20,000 or $5,000 to someone who may make me well?  Do I really start eating only raw foods for the rest of my life?  What if the rest of my life is only 2 years?  Frankly, I enjoy the fellowship of friends and eating delicious foods – if I only have 2 years, do I just give all that up?  But if it were my cure, and I could have the 20 more years – will it always have to be with a strict diet?  Yes that is worth the trade.  But it will be a sacrifice of some nice times.

Then there’s the whole bothersome money thing.  I thought I might be working this fall to start helping my kids pay for college, so they are not graduating with tons of debt.  But instead I take out the thousands for alternative therapies?  I hate that there are no guarantees in this cancer business.  I hate the thought of perhaps wasting my kids’ inheritance on something that may not work.

I guess this is the day to vent.  I am not seeing much good coming out of this train of thought.  More questions than answers today.  I’m not liking that.  Is God going to lead me to answers?  I’d like to believe so… He is going to have to be the One to come through with the real answers.  I don’t know how to get an answer out of Him.  I, like millions before me, wish He would just write it down and stick it in the mailbox for me:  Here is what you need to do for cancer treatment… just spell it all out for me.

And I still have to do a colonoscopy on Monday, and that horrible prep on Sunday.  I tell you, I’m pitiful right now.