Hoping For A Wedding

I loved our conversation at our care group tonight.  We continued a conversation about hope.  In the Bible, Paul asks  “Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”  Yet throughout Scripture we are told to put our hope in the LORD.  Oops, does that mean we don’t really have the LORD?  How can we continue to hope in the LORD if we already have him?  “Who hopes for what he already has?”

We were figuring things out.  None of us have seen Him face to face.  We certainly don’t have Him figured out.  There is so much to Him, so much to blow us over.  We’re getting a glimpse, and we’re loving what we see.  Whatever we have of Him, is certainly not all there is.  We barely understand Him at all. So yes, we can continue hoping in Him, because truly, we don’t have all of Him.  Will eternity be long enough to completely behold him?  Will the quest of hope always be what keeps us energized in our relationship to him?

We also thought about the wedding feast of the Lamb.  The day that God  “will marry his church.”  I, being the only married person at the group tonight, was asked what it was like to get ready for a  wedding… so perhaps we can draw comparisons to how we, collectively, as the church, can be preparing.   And then ask, what are we individuals doing to get ready for this wedding celebration?

 It was fun to reminisce with the group about getting ready to marry Dave.   From the day we were engaged, each morning that I woke up, I thought about  my husband-to-be, and I thought about the wedding preparations, and I also thought about my body.  I was preparing my body.  I joined weight watchers (who almost didn’t let me in, because they didn’t see that I had any weight to lose – but money speaks); I worked out regularly; I got tan; as we got closer; got the hair, nails and make-up all prepared.

 But there were the other preparations.  We wanted a great marriage, so we actually went to 4 different counselors; we dealt with things up front.   We thought about our guest list (a bit too much, according to my dad who had to pay that dinner bill).  We wanted everyone there. We also thought we had a corner on love.  No one really knew what true love was until we came around.  Ha ha.  I’ve talked to many a couple since then.  I love how they all have believed that same about their own relationship.  It’s probably the way it should be.

But always we were focused. Every day, our thoughts would turn to the wedding.  We’re getting closer – are we getting it all together?  Is our relationship healthy?  Are we inviting everyone to come? The energy is totally focused on that great day.

I love the comparisons.  There is the great expectation. As believers, we do wake up, with Jesus on our mind.  We thank him for a new day.  We wait to find out how He’ll instruct us for the day.  Or maybe He already has given us the “To Do” list for the day; and we eagerly get started.  We want to be healthy.  We meditate on His word.  We seek counsel and accountability.  We keep inviting guests; we don’t want anyone left out.  And I feel like I have a corner on God’s love for me.  He has a way of making me feel like I am His very favorite.  I know that is not true… but I think that is the way it is supposed to be.

Confirmed Mets

Well, it’s probably good I wasn’t with my computer 2 hours ago.  Everything I felt was dark, hopeless, confused, sad, and I wanted to escape.  I got a surprise email from my oncologist.  He had already received the test results to the bone biopsy.  They told me it could be a week before they knew.  It came back as positive for the breast cancer – estrogen positive – definitely mets.  It is so hard to take bad news when my hope was for good news.  All the  prayers, all the stupid little pills I’m taking, all the carrot juice I’m drinking – I really hoped for different news.

Dave and Seth were not at home.  Seth is off doing celebratory groomsmen things.  Dave  working with a client in Long Beach.  I went outside first, just to sit and absorb the news, and wonder why I was taking it so hard.   It’s not like I haven’t known it.  I even think Seth and Dave would say – “Well yeah, we know, you were told about this several weeks ago.”  But it feels like such bad news to me, like hearing it for the first time.

I went back in the house, and Davita’s first words were, “Mom, you found out the test results already?”  Ariana and I asked her later how she knew.  Ariana was wondering if she’d missed something.  Davita answered, “Your face mom, it looked like you just got bad news.  I was with you before when you got the other phone call – you had the same expression.”  Wow.  I had no idea my face revealed so much.  I know Dave’s face does, but not my own. He must be rubbing off on me.

Well, there were real tears and crying this time.  I know it’s all still sinking in.  I wasn’t very optimistic or full of faith or courage 2 hours ago.  Just sadness.  I don’t want to make decisions about treatment, because I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know whose advice to take.  How does one finally become confident in any certain treatment?  How do I hand out $20,000 or $5,000 to someone who may make me well?  Do I really start eating only raw foods for the rest of my life?  What if the rest of my life is only 2 years?  Frankly, I enjoy the fellowship of friends and eating delicious foods – if I only have 2 years, do I just give all that up?  But if it were my cure, and I could have the 20 more years – will it always have to be with a strict diet?  Yes that is worth the trade.  But it will be a sacrifice of some nice times.

Then there’s the whole bothersome money thing.  I thought I might be working this fall to start helping my kids pay for college, so they are not graduating with tons of debt.  But instead I take out the thousands for alternative therapies?  I hate that there are no guarantees in this cancer business.  I hate the thought of perhaps wasting my kids’ inheritance on something that may not work.

I guess this is the day to vent.  I am not seeing much good coming out of this train of thought.  More questions than answers today.  I’m not liking that.  Is God going to lead me to answers?  I’d like to believe so… He is going to have to be the One to come through with the real answers.  I don’t know how to get an answer out of Him.  I, like millions before me, wish He would just write it down and stick it in the mailbox for me:  Here is what you need to do for cancer treatment… just spell it all out for me.

And I still have to do a colonoscopy on Monday, and that horrible prep on Sunday.  I tell you, I’m pitiful right now.

It's All Falling Into Place

I’ve been looking forward to memorizing these next verses in Psalm 33: No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength.  A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.  But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

I realize anew that it doesn’t matter who I am, what I own, where I live, I am not immune to “surprises.”  And how silly it would be of me, when a challenge comes my way to talk about these things, as if they should have protected me. 

I am brought to my knees, to my face, once again, as I think about God’s “New Year Message” for me to “Fear the LORD.”  He was preparing my heart to face this cancer season.  He brought me to Psalm 33 to memorize and meditate on it; and here is his statement to me: The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him…”   He wants me to know deeply that his eyes are on me, and that I don’t place my hope in cures, or diets, or clinics, or the money to pay for all those things, but that I hope in Him, in his “unfailing love.”  He then says he will  “deliver them from death.”  One way or the other He, and He alone will deliver me from death.  Either meaning, that he will keep me alive on earth despite the cancer, or that he will take me home to continue the eternity that I’ve already begun living here on earth side.

Two words that have caught my attention in this Psalm are "unfailing love."  Three times they are expressed.  Stay tuned!  God will be using the message of his unfailing love for us.  I'm catching on to how He works.

On Saturday, a thought entered my head, “I wonder God, why you want me to have cancer.”  The moment I realized the lie I had thought, God and I both tackled it, and rather affirmed, “NO, God does not want me to have cancer… never, ever.  Cancer is an evil brought on by satan himself.”  I was quick to speak against the cancer and the enemy of my soul.  It felt so cleansing.  Truly, I felt health rip through my body.  I realize that God has allowed satan to do this to me… but God will always take what looks like satan’s triumph and make it His own.  Look at Jesus!  His last day looked pretty desperate – Jesus dead on the cross, then buried.  But that horrible act became our greatest triumph – our way of salvation.

I also realized on Saturday, that I had put a lot of hope into that bone biopsy coming back negative for cancer.  So many people are praying for me.  The doctors remind me that it could be something else.  I have been doing my little anti-cancer self-treatments.  Simply put, I hoped for a negative test result.  So when I got the email saying it was positive for breast cancer mets, my hope was dashed.  I was undone.  My problem?  I had taken my hope off the LORD and put it onto “results.”  However, my hope will never be dashed if it remains in the LORD.

(And wouldn’t you know that Sunday’s sermon was on HOPE! -  I Peter 1.  I love when God brings reinforcement to a word He speaks to my heart.  And so my Hope is in the LORD.)

Things are falling into place.  My friend Rivi,  left me a message on Saturday while we were at Paul and Jenessa’s wedding and I didn’t know when I’d be able to call her back. But the wedding party got back-logged at Penn Park, waiting for the best spot to get their pictures taken.  This gave me time for a lengthy chat about a clinic in Mexico that she would be going to the next day.   She ruled out a place I thought I wanted to go to, and found something better.  I love how it all works together. 

Then yesterday, Seth and Dave wrote about my situation, asking for help.  I cry every time I go to my email and get the notifications.  I also received a phone call promising a nice sum of money to help with the expenses.  I don’t want to take that much from anyone… but the act spoke to me of love, and it added peace.  

(I know there is concern about how much has been raised.  As of now, Wed evening, just over 24 hours of the request going out, we have $2700… we are so very thankful.)

So, it’s coming together.  God may have healing for me at the prayer meeting on Saturday… my hope is in God though, not in healing.  He has made my heart at peace.

To Love Is To Give Life

I remember after Rich Buehler, a favorite Christian radio personality around So Cal, announced that he had terminal cancer three years ago, and didn’t have long to live, that many of his friends decided to give him a living memorial or tribute.  That happened, and we all waited over the next few days for the sad news of his death.  But rather, he lived for almost 2 more years.  Now I don’t know what treatment he was going through, what worked, what didn’t.  In my mind though, I was sure he continued to live because of the love and encouragement he received.

I am now more convinced of this than ever.  How lovely it is to be loved.  This will sound sick, I am sure, but I rather wish everyone could go through something horrible in order to be allowed the privilege of unrestrained love.  With every act of kindness, with every word of encouragement, with every promise of continued prayer I sense my spirit waking up to another day of life – a day that may have been lost – is now reclaimed.  I sense  the cancer being restrained for one more day simply because of being loved.  My mind even now goes to those orphanages in Russia, where babies were found dying.  But once they were daily cuddled and talked to, they began to thrive.  All their other needs were cared for – but love had been left out.

I feel I must temper my enjoyment of this attention – it seems rather indulgent, egotistical, greedy, or gluttonous.  I dreaded my wedding and baby showers because I would have to be, by nature of the beast, the center of attention.  Now I am drinking it in deeply; allowing myself to believe the words, that I am loved and that perhaps I may have been important in someone’s life.  (Oh, I blush to even write that.  I wonder at myself – what type of therapy is this?  Somehow, it must be important, for here I am on this path, dealing with it.) Surely the LORD will help me to sort this all out.  Here I am at the beginning of wondering how to do that.

Even as I look at the first three paragraphs and see that they all begin with the word “I” –  it makes me cringe.  The editor and reserved part of me wants to go back and rearrange those sentences… but then I’d have to delete this paragraph.  Ha.   This experience thus far has shown me how amazing my friends, family, and acquaintances are – how much there is to learn from them all.  I don’t fancy myself as such a giving, caring person as all of these.  I’m taking mental notes.  I’m considering, not just the person on the terminal path, but the one stuck on a lonely path.  How beautiful to find those people and breathe life into them, just as life is being breathed into me.  O Lord, open our eyes to those people who would begin to thrive because of love.

These have been my thoughts for the past week or so.  Raw – quite raw if you know how I struggle with getting attention.  Just keep me in the back of the room.  Yet another thing just came to mind – here comes the blushing again – I cry at parades, and I cry after kids’ performances when everyone is applauding.  I don’t have to know any of those kids.  But it has often made me wonder if I had some unmet need for attention or acclaim. Perhaps it’s not the attention – I actually have received a fair amount of kudos -  perhaps it’s the acceptance of the approval, not believing the compliments as “real.”  I deflect and deny.  (Okay - I will sign up for some therapy.)

To close this out with my original intent; please accept my deep and heartfelt thanks for everyone of you who are praying for me, thinking of me, speaking to me about this, writing, sending, caring.  I truly believe that each act has extended my life one extra day.

(And please note that none of my other paragraphs began with the word “I.”)

Good Things That Got Me Through Today

Today has been one of those roller coaster kinda days.  Woke up to such a beautiful day.  I had wanted to hike early to replace going to Planned Parenthood to pray (they’re closed for construction – so no abortions today.)  But late night stomach aches and 4 am allergies trumped that excellent decision.

I was feeling loved by Seth, who last night was trying to find some time we could have fun canoeing or horseback riding.  Today would have been perfect for being outdoors.  And I was happy Ariana was back home.

Today is Dave’s birthday!  And that made me happy!  The goal for the day – pull off a party… but first, off to ceramics class with Davita.  The first call I got while in class was amazing – my sister-in-law Diana offered to make Dave a cake.  (I am needing rest a lot more now – so that could happen with that gift!)  The second call came from Kaiser.  (I had realized on my CT Scan report that the doctor did not make a comparison with the CT Scan that was taken in 2009.  Being the hopeful person I am – I asked him yesterday to make that comparison, perhaps he would find nothing had changed, and that indeed I just have some anomaly in my bones and tissue that has always been there.)  I found out that was not the case; indeed things have changed.  It hit me hard.  I needed to walk and cry a bit.  It’s hitting me – the reality – and I really don’t want to do this cancer thing again.  So, I had hoped.  And I’ll keep hoping with each of the other tests.  I hope and pray that God will heal me.  I will hope that when those results come back, all will be good.

I was telling Davita on the way home that I felt so defeated and wiped out when hope doesn’t pan out.  I wondered aloud how I’ll handle the real fight against cancer.  Right now I’m just fighting against facts.  Will I just wimp out and give up when the cancer fight gets hard?  Davita is such a mature young lady.  She had all the right words to say. I can’t recall her exact words because I was a bit of a basket case.  I just know that her words, her honesty, her love brought me back to reality and normality… and now I’m good again.  It was a confidence builder for me too, learning that she can handle my emotions.  As a mom, I want to be the strong one, setting the example of faith.  It was good for her to see me raw, and know that she could deal with mom that way.

Part of Dave’s party was to have us each share our favorite song… really, how can one do that?  As Dave Owens said, that’s like asking us to each tell about our favorite child.  But we did all come up with a song we like a lot.

Several months ago I resurrected my Dan Fogelberg albums and have been enjoying his music.  In college days “Netherlands” was my favorite.  The music is epic.  Here are the lyrics, but you really need to hear the music:

Netherlands Lyrics

High on this mountain The clouds down below I'm feeling so strong and alive 

From this rocky perch I'll continue to search For the wind And the snow And the sky 

I want a lover I want some friends And I want to live in the sun 

And I want to do all the things that I never have done. 

Sunny bright mornings And pale moonlit nights Keep me from feeling alone 

Now, I'm learning to fly And this freedom is like Nothing that I've ever known 

I've seen the bottom And I've been on top But mostly I've lived in between 

And where do you go When you get to the end of your dream? 

Off in the nether lands I heard a sound Like the beating of heavenly wings 

And deep in my brain I can hear a refrain Of my soul as she rises and sings 

Anthems to glory and Anthems to love and Hymns filled with early delight 

Like the songs that the darkness Composes to worship the light. 

Once in a vision I came on some woods And stood at a fork in the road 

My choices were clear Yet I froze with the fear Of not knowing which way to go 

One road was simple Acceptance of life The other road offered sweet peace 

When I made my decision My vision became my release.

I’ve always liked the sense of adventure and mystery and choices of this song; and how strongly nature is involved… of course my world view has God written all over this song too.  And so each day I come to a fork in the road.  Will I choose God or will I choose fear.  Anyone of you may find me plagued by fear at some point – and it’s okay to speak those words of truth and get me back on the road of peace.   (Guess I am not sure why Fogelberg has made “acceptance of life” and “sweet peace” as two different ways to go – it may be they can be found on the same path.)

I don’t like having to deal with raw disappointment.  It knocks me off kilter.  That’s what happened today.   And it will probably happen again.  So, there is my rambling. 

And We Thought They Were Only Filthy Pests

In my search for alternative therapies to cure or slow down cancer, my favorite comes from my mom’s doctor, and old friend of the family, Dr. Magallan.  He has a neighbor who went to China for a cancer cure.  His cancer is gone because for 10 years, everyday, he eats 4 live cockroaches!  I had a good laugh over that one. 

All these years, as we stomp on cockroaches in the alley near the garbage, we all wonder, what was God thinking when he created these?  Or are they just a direct creation of satan?  Ha ha… we have been stomping on the cure for cancer.  I took it further, and went to pubmed to see if anyone has researched this.  (Whenever someone approaches me about a cure, I check this site to see if there is any validity to the claim.)  I found out that an “ingredient” called Eupolyphaga is derived from the cockroach, and that yes, it has been successful in killing cancer cells.  Check it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=cockroach+cancer.  However, I have not found any local or Mexican clinics that use this “cure.”  I just may wait on it for now.  Unless someone is game to do it with me – you first!

Several people have asked me what I’ll be doing, or what I am doing to fight the cancer now while waiting for all the test results.  I am doing several things, but honestly, I hold my greatest stock in what God has for me; so I covet the prayers and storming the gates of heaven.  And while I believe that I should do what I can, I question how helpful anything actually is.  I don’t intend to sound negative, it is just that I know certain statistics.  Statistically I should not have cancer.  (Well, actually I should have skin cancer; I was one of those bathing beauties at the beach with a bikini and baby oil slathered all over my body.  I did several outdoor sports and never put on sun block; because I preferred the tan.)   Anyway, because of my diet and physical activity I am not a high cancer risk.  So, it seems to me there is something else going on inside that is resistant to healthy decisions. 

What I am doing now, in no particular order:

1) Honey/Aloe Vera/ Rum.  I’m almost done with the 10 days on. http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/aloe-vera-honey-rum-treatment.html

2) DoTerra Frankincense – rather expensive; but I’m taking a few home made capsules each day.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=frankincense+and+cancer

3. Exercise

4. Prayer and Meditation

5. Diet:   juicing, organic, anti-oxidant, alkaline – these are my “topics” for now.  I’m mostly avoiding  sugar, white flour, white rice, processed foods.

What I will be doing once everything is figured out?  I don’t know.  I’m staying open to all options that will keep me alive, and let me also feel alive – quantity and quality – or some reasonable balance.

And So I Hope

I have been encouraged today by the Lover of our Souls.  When I returned home from the oncologist and wanted time with God, I asked that He would speak to my soul, something personal and perfect … tell me what He’d like me to hear.  I went to Psalm 128, since that is the next one on my personal reading schedule, and it begins with ‘my theme:’ “Blessed are those who fear the LORD… “ and it ends with an incredible blessing, that speaks volumes of healing and promise to me: “and may you live to see your children’s children.”  Personal and perfect!

This has not been a day where peace reigned.  I was quite nervous about the upcoming oncologist appointment; quite overwhelmed with treatment options I’ve been researching.  I don’t know how I’ll ever make a decision on treatment.  I finally realized that I need to chill a bit, and remember that I know the All Wise One, the Healer, the Decider, the Revealer of Truth.  Okay, that helped… then on to the doctor.

What can I say?  Dare I hope?  I went in with dread, but came out with hope.  He had no sure answers - yet.  The full CT Scan report is now in my hands, and everything is worded carefully:  “cannot rule out subtle mets”  “lesion suggesting mets” “irregular lucency in right post rib, suggesting mets,” “subtle mets in this area cannot be ruled out.” Four areas of possible cancer mets – two in tissue, two in bone. 

The only way to know for sure is to do the bone biopsy.  He ordered it.  Bleh.   Ouch.

(I also learned that I had a “mild old compression fracture on my T9 vertebrae” – now was that from the rock climbing fall in my twenties? Or the inline skates fall in my 40’s? Or something I don’t even remember???) 

The high tumor marker?  The absence of an abdominal tumor?  He’s puzzled with that one.  All my previous symptoms pointed to a huge tumor.  I explained that after that high tumor marker test came in, I immediately asked for people to pray, and they did.  Before anything had changed, I told my family that for once, I couldn’t wait to have surgery, just so I could be comfortable again. I was very tired of carrying that “thing” around.   Then the uncomfortable heaviness in my abdomen disappeared.  It was gone by the time I went in for the CT scan.  How can that be explained, except that God answered prayer?  The doctor doesn’t know.  He said that the there are false positives with the tumor marker.  But after a pause, he added that he’d never seen a false positive that read as high as mine though.  Mine was about 130, the false positives he’s seen were 40.  Normal is about 30.  At my request, he finally ordered that test again.  I’m curious to see if it is lower now that my abdomen feels better.

We also talked about the possibility of colon cancer.  Apparently the CT Scan does not do a good job of catching that.  My markers for that also doubled in the last couple of months.  He wasn’t concerned, initially, because they were still in normal range.  However, since he’s not sure what is going on, he ordered a colonoscopy.  Lucky me.

I asked about getting permission for second opinions at Alternative Centers and City of Hope; but he said no one would see me until we get something concrete – back to the bone biopsy.  Bleh.  I really don’t want that.

The last question of the day.  “So what do I do in the meantime?”  “Well,” he answered, “It looks like prayer has been working.  Why don’t you keep that up.  It seems like God is the one who knows what is going on.”  (or something to that effect – and it almost knocked me over to hear him say that – because I am the one who is always talking to him about God, and giving him books to read, and telling him that I pray for him.  And he’s always the skeptic!  Okay – so that made the visit all worthwhile.)

And so I hope that God has begun a healing process, and He will complete it.

Family Meeting

March 30, 2013

Last night we had a “family meeting,” or "talk," or "chat" … One of our kids really didn’t like the “meeting” moniker – “too scary.”  This whole thing is scary for them.  They lose if I don’t get well. 

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O LORD hear my voice.  Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy…. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  (PS 130: 1, 2, 5, 6)

We went around and talked about the reality of the situation.  First and foremost our hope is planted in God; and the hope that He will heal completely.  We look for what He is “up to” – that is,  since He has allowed this, where is the good that will come about?  So, I guess I could say our hope is expressed three ways: 1) In God – our refuge; 2) In God – to bring healing, 3) In God – to bring good out of this.

Secondly, we talked about how we each cope.  One of Seth’s friends remarked to him earlier in the week that one of his coping mechanisms must be to do impulsive things.   He went and got his ears pierced this week!  I noted a couple of others: I guess I start writing; Ariana immediately texted friends for prayer as an outlet.

We realize that we have to distinguish between hiding and coping.  Watching TV or reading books can be our hiding strategies.  But the coping that seemed most helpful was talking to family and friends, staying busy with crafts, music, (not to hide, but to resist brooding), and staying in the Word.  The kids were rather adamant that I didn’t “stay strong” just for them.  They don’t want me to have that burden.  During my first cancer their response to “How are you doing?” was often, “Well mom seems to be joyful or strong, so we’re good too.”  They are very kind to give me permission to go bezerk if I need to.

We all agreed that we have to live each day.  And not to live it, necessarily like it’s our last, but live it normally.  I want them to continue on with their dreams.  Davita was ready to call off her semester in London – and that would be proper if I had only a few months; but since I have longer, I bless her to get on with it.  Ariana was thinking of foregoing Biola; she is so concerned about how we will pay for it; especially with this stuff looming; and she thought she just wanted to stay home with me; but we encouraged her to not make any such decision yet.  All things are still possible.  Seth reminds me that whether at work or school he can get home in an hour or two if need be – which would be “so much easier if I had a car.”  Was that a hint?

One thing we all heartily agreed on is that we want more family time.   We want to get away, just the five of us and create memories.  I’m a little nervous on the planning portion of that; it takes so much energy and decision-making.  (The amount of time researching alternative care is wearing me thin – but that gripe is for another day.)   So, may God give help and grace so we can pull something off this summer.  We are re-thinking the family going to Bolivia on a mission trip in June.   Not only do we need to get info from the doc, but we realize that we won’t necessarily be together.  We may all be on separate teams.  If I may have energy for just one trip this summer, it may be better for it to be a family trip.  So though Bolivia is an excellent way to minister together, will it end up frustrating us because of perhaps taking away what little time we have to dedicate to each other?  (Sure hope I’m not judged too severely for those thoughts.)

So that was the essence of it.  Dave led us in prayer; we shed a few tears together.  Mostly we were just “real” with each other.  I am most blessed by the fact that everyone is unanimous in wanting to build a stronger family bond... something they say we should do even if I was not facing this stuff.