Today I Struggle

 I am tired of being an invalid unable to even to turn myself over in bed. Tired of not being able to get out of bed when I want.  I know those that live, my family first and foremost want me to fight on, to remain, even though they have so much hands on care they must give me; how much they must stay home so mom’s not alone, all the meals and drinks they prepare for me, all the clean ups, not just of me, but the whole house, which has now become their responsibility.  As a mom/wife it is so hard for me to watch all this around me.

Jesus is with me.  I can’t imagine how bitter one could become without Him, without Hope in Him.  Hence my prayer today is for total healing – THIS WEEK – or sooner.  May I be healed fully on earth or fully in Heaven – I am so ready for either.  Please pray this for me.  I don’t know how it works.  Does he let me just enter into this – or do I have to continue through the ravages of the cancer progression?

I can hardly imagine continuing on.  My attitude is so on the brink of despondency.  This is not a place I am very familiar with.  I don’t like it.  Nor do I like the desire to give up – but is it giving up to want to be free from chains?  Is it giving up to want to be healthy?  Or is it part of my fabric and fiber?  I’m told I’m still needed on earth?  I don’t feel needed, rather needy. 

Help me Lord Jesus to continue on as you choose.  But please choose healing – and soon.