These are the words I spoke to Dave before I dropped off to sleep last night. "Good" and "Different" have changed their definitions over the months. Now, good is receiving news of better blood work results. But still "Good" like a hike to the top of the Whittier Hills, being able to see the Hollywood Sign on one side and Mt Baldy to the other, and then the red cranes at Long Beach – sometimes even Catalina Island.
"Good" are the short visits from friends; invigorating, like the a 6 am run to Michigan Park, running through Whittier College, stopping for short conversations with a bunch of guys gathered in the dark near a building doing some frat kind of thing in the morning dark. "Good" like a morning swim at Palm Park under starry skies, that change to deep blue, and orange and red and reflect amazing iridescence off the rippling pool water. Morning enchantment. Now, shampoos poured over my head into a basin – a fresh baptism, refreshment. Different, good.
Accomplishments are cheered. No longer that I made it to the top of Mt. Whitney, or Baldy or Badin Powell… but that I used the walker and and circled the house. I sat on the couch and could see two more rooms. I went outside to the patio and painted a flower. My thrill, tears, laughter, joy, happiness, match those huge strides of the past. Emotions are great that way. Jesus is joy! He allows me such a wide range of appreciation! Laughter comes easily.
There are the struggles. A friend stopped by to pray with me and helped me pinpoint guilt that I feel being dependent. Fear is a component, as is control. How can I ensure that I don’t control the lives of my family and close friends? How can I still be cared for? What if I don’t get strong enough, fast enough and everyone grows bitter and weary in service? What if the well grows dry? I pray for healing so I can do again, or I think to go home with Jesus, and free up everyone’s responsibilities of me.
This is one of those things I can deal with in my head and figure out – but my heart, my deepest belief system needs to catch up. After prayer, I knew that there was a break through, but it must go deeper, for I laid awake too long last night wondering what we will do next week for my care. I asked Dave to help pray for me. He did. But "control" wanted him to grab the schedule and make the plan, not jut pray for peace.
LOOK, I say to my soul, how FAITHFUL God has been, why do you worry? Dave prayed exactly as he should have. Oh my soul, REST, TRUST. We are each exactly in the place Jesus would have us. I asked not for cancer and bedtime. My friends and family have not asked that I be here. Yet God has allowed these places. And He IS glorified in them. As He asks of others there has only been guilt free, joyful response. It is my part to trust the Holy Spirit and rest in His guidance – REST. Trust. Wait and see what the LORD will do. I am on a path with this cancer. Others are on crazy paths with friends and family– plates are full for today. God leads and guides them, not me. Release control. Trust, Laugh, Wait.
Over the weeks, there is always Dave and my kids, but also He has brought friends, relatives, sister-in-law, Kansas friend. It has all fit, impeccably. It is a day by day, moment by moment trust. Conversation last night with friends was about a 1,000 mile bike trip I made with my friend Susi when we were in our young twenties from LA to Colorado Springs. We had a rough map and went for it, never quite knowing where we’d purchase our next meal, or spend our next night. We experienced the thrill of adventure to see how God would provide. Well, here’s to my next adventure. Please join me in praying for more of that absolute trust, anticipation of surprise, planning without guilt (allowing God to call people forward in joy, not guilt or control on my part).
Some may have heard that Seth is moving out this week. I am super excited for this next step in his life. I bless him. Yet, he has been a rock and steady presence for me here at home. I’m sure that is playing into my angst a bit. Nevertheless - my excitement for his next chapter, far exceeds the angst! I continue to bless my kids with freedom. How I love my family!!!
In case you missed the latest health update - in a nutshell: Blood work came back yesterday that the tumor marker fell a lot again. It is back to what it was in March '14! Still high - but dang - going in the right direction now. The calcium levels that were so high that I ended up in the hospital twice this month are now normal! My pain level is managed now. The main thing is my weakness/energy level. I'm anemic. The doc recommends a blood transfusion so I can start feeling normal again. I was quite hoping he'd shoot me up today so I could do go a David Wilcox concert at our little local Whittier College tomorrow night. I've had the tickets for several months, purchased by faith. But, I don't know - I'm pretty wiped out at 8 pm.
There you have it! Good days - new definitions!