Speaking at Church 4/27/14

Pastor Dan asked about six of us to speak at church yesterday in lieu of a sermon.  Much of this has been said in previous blogs.  But here it is:

Intro:   My name/ husband/ 3 college age kids/ I’ve known Jesus since my I was very young/ Dan has asked me to talk to you about what God is doing in my life and how He is sustaining me.

As many of you know I received the news a year ago that the cancer in my body had spread to Stage 4, which the medical community considers incurable.  At that time my prognosis was 2 years.

I’ve dealt with three main emotions or lessons this year: “Gratefulness,” the huge truth of “No Condemnation for those who are in Christ” and the personal battle of  “Fear.”

I will tell you more about these in the next few minutes through a few of my experiences.  Last week we had a piano tuner come to our house with his woman assistant.  I talked with her as he worked.  I learned that she had no use for church, and that her relationship with God was personal and not to involve others. 

So I told her my story – or really – your story.  I told her of the cancer, and how the body of Christ has surrounded me this year, how they just helped us move, about the help I get with house work, rides to the doctor, meals, financial help, and just as important, prayers, songs, hymns and Bible verses that are shared with me.  All of this SO encourages me and keeps me in the fight.  Her response -  “Oh my, that is really good.  You know how I know, I have shivers, shivers running through my body.”  I think this is how we should all respond to the amazing work of the Body of Christ.  See, it is not just you who do the work, you are actually the hands, the feet, the arms of Our Jesus – You are His body!  And yes, I AM SO grateful.  I get shivers all the time when I realize the amazing privilege of being served by JESUS.

Yet – ya know how sometimes we take something good that is happening and then use it against ourselves.  Off and on throughout this year, because of all these kindnesses shown me and my family, I’ve begun judging myself harshly.  I can be pretty hard on myself.  And I began down that road.  “Look how good people are.  Why was I never so good to others?  Will I ever get a chance to redeem this situation and serve others?”

(Probably my first mistake was focusing on others, rather than on Christ who works in them.)

 

Last November my thoughts were taking me through a history of sins and mistakes; how I had failed in relationships with needy friends and with several relatives.  God deeply reminded me that I am/ have been holy and blameless in his sight, that He is well pleased with me and there is no condemnation for me in Christ.  There was a deeply spiritual time of pulling out of every strand, thread, and capillary of the lies that satan had woven through my being of what a shameful person I had been.  Lies.  All lies.  Yes, I had failed in some of those situations, by my standards – but not Christ’s.  He was not and Is not condemning me.  I am forgiven.  Jesus paid the price. 

It is a travesty that I should live in guilt when I am in Christ, and that I would make myself suffer, discounting the pain Jesus already paid on my behalf.  I am forgiven; I am blameless; I am loved; I am free.  That was November.  Then last month that ugly whisperer came to my thoughts again:  “Look at what every one does for you; yet you never have done anything for others.”  I brought those words to Jesus and asked Him to help me sort through and find truth again. 

Within 3 days I received letters, messages and phone calls; mostly from people I had not heard from in years.  The common thread in each one is that they felt compelled to thank me for some way I had served them.  The other common thread is that I had not remembered, until their prompting, having done any of those things.  It was quite remarkable of my LORD to do this for me.  He actually spoke to several people and told them to communicate with me, to remind me of things.  How cool is that?  So in case you ever wonder why I feel like his favorite child…  (And I actually have found that most of my friends feel like they are his favorite.  I hope you feel the same.)

Dan first asked me to speak to all of you about 2 months ago.  I was at my very worst then.  I was in almost constant pain, I had difficulty moving, standing, sleeping.  I told him, “I blog.  People can hear from me there.” I didn’t have the energy or will power to be in front of people.  Well I am doing considerably better over the past month.  If you happen to be one who reads my blog, you know that Jesus has told me to “Consider Abraham” when I talk to him about healing. (I asked him for 20 more years, one down, 19 to go.) 

One thing I have learned from Abraham, and the Psalms of King David is about dealing with Fear.

You may have heard me say often that I am in a “win/win” situation with this cancer.  I win if I live – I get to continue to serve Jesus as I remain among you and most dearly, with my family; I win if I die – I get to be with Jesus!  It’s a win either way. Maybe you wonder why I would be afraid.

First it’s a question of when I fear.  I fear when I’m in pain and I fear when I get a bad health report.  I’ve had fear this week because my emotions have been a bit erratic. The why is I don’t like to lose control and it’s hell to be in relentless pain and not know when relief is coming, if it’s coming; a bad report may mean pain is returning. I also fear because I hate that in the future, pain may so debilitate me that I need help with my personal hygiene

So what do I do with the fear and the pain?

I’ve already begun learning at home with Dave, and with the help of those who send me songs or scripture that if I put my mind onto God, and worship him right in the midst of pain and fear or if I sit and memorize a chapter of the Bible –the pain and fear diminish.  I am focusing on truth and eternity rather than here and now.  He lifts me out.

David says in Psalm 27: The LORD is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?  When evil men (read cancer) advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.  Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. “

Where is my confidence?  In God.  I Consider Abraham.  God told him   “I am your shield and your very great reward.”

He is my shield (a shield protects against attack) and my very great reward ( my focus is on truth).

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Psalm 23 –“ Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” 

My table has been prepared in the presence of this enemy of cancer; yet my head has been anointed with oil, and my cup does overflow.  I am so grateful – my cup is SO full!

Psalm 33 states: “From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth – he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.”

This is My God – the one who knows me intimately – vs 18  “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and to keep them alive in famine.”

So FEAR needs to simply be replaced from what I fear on earth, to that amazing and respectful fear of the LORD that I find when I worship Him and meditate on his Word, and bask in his unfailing love.

I just double checked the Hebrew word for Fear – it’s the same word to Fear God as it is to Fear enemies.  So what emotion will I allow to overtake me?  I choose to focus on and be fearful and overwhelmed by the Creator, the Lover of my Soul.

So these are the things you can keep reminding me of, if I stumble; or if you happen to catch me in the moments of having just received bad news or being in much pain. Get me focused on Fearing God.

To wrap it up-  – this year my heart is full with Gratitude that his Body works!  That there is no guilt for those of us in Christ; and He knows how to chase away unhealthy Fear as we focus on Him.

Gratitude Is Bigger Inside Me Than Outside

This week as I was packing to move next door I made a pile of VHS tapes to convert to DVD.  Then we realized that our DVD/VHS player could do the job. So we saved a boatload of money doing it ourselves – and a boatload of space.

During the conversion, I learned a few interesting things while those old family videos were playing real time as I walked in and out of the room.  In those early days of three little ones, my house looked cleaner than ever, and my garden healthier.  How did I pull that off?  Well, I suppose it is because we owned a lot less furniture, a lot less stuff, and I wasn't working part time.  Life was simple.

What struck me as the most interesting were the “birth shots.”  Now if you have ever heard me tell the story of the birth of my kids, I’m sure I would include stories of the intense pain that led to screaming and groaning, followed by ecstasy and pure love once the child was born.  I also remember being very angry at a certain nurse who tried to grab Ariana out of my arms before the cord was even cut.  Really?  Back off lady!

As I watched the videos of the births, and of that nurse with Ariana, I witnessed a much different picture.  My screams and moans were not so dramatic - rather subdued actually.  I didn't see that flash of anger towards THAT nurse. My demeanor after giving birth was just quiet, still, dazed.  I was not even smiling all that much.  And yet I had just been part of one of the greatest miracles known to man – the birth of a baby!!!   All I can suppose as I considered my lack of evident emotion after the birth of my children is that I was in a state of shock and awe… and that I hold it all deeply inside.  I mean fireworks inside!  But it doesn’t seem to affect my outward demeanor.  Go figure.  (On the other hand, maybe all moms are like this.  Geez - we just experienced the greatest pain known to man.  Or as Dave might say, "The greatest pain unknown to man.")

It makes me wonder about my telling of sky diving.  Did I really scream my lungs out, crazily uninhibited and free, or was that only happening on the inside?  Now, I have reason to question the "real" story.

In fact, as I’ve pursued “Recall Healing” of cancer, it has become very evident that I do hold in my emotions rather than letting it all out.  My own husband does not know how deeply I feel about issues because I tend to understate the facts.  I have since been working on that – trying to speak more accurately of what is true inside of me. (I think that statement will make all husbands cringe – ha ha) 

I have a reason I am explaining all of this.  Yesterday, and in the weeks preceding the move we had over 40 people sort, pack, prepare our new house (I mean the gift of hard labor!), and move us.  I am SO overwhelmed with gratitude.  In my inner being, all day, I was in "shock and awe" all over again.  Fireworks of smiley faces going off inside of me!  This time it was not a miracle of birth, rather, the miracle of God’s kindness and goodness expressed through his people.

As I came to the end of the day yesterday,  I wondered if anyone realized how overcome and thankful I was with their help.   These people moved our whole house, cleaned, put things away, made my bed, organized my closet and bathroom, brought lunch, snacks, dinner, and water.  What a blessing!  Looking back I wish I had grabbed and hugged and kissed each and every person.  But you know how it is on moving day - my mind was scattered, giving directions, feeling confused, was I even smiling?  Did anyone know how happy I was with their presence?  My insides need to break out!  Hence, I write!

To all of you who helped: THANK YOU!

Now a quick update on my health.  I have had quite a turn around in the past month.  I can now climb stairs and walk for short periods of time without pain.  (Though I still  can’t lift or move things so well.)  I have driven the car by myself three times this past week!  I am not needing the strong meds all night,  just occasionally.  During the day I get by with ibuprofen, and it's not always needed.  I have more energy!  I am super encouraged to have some freedom back! 

When I last blogged I was unsure if I could “hold on” until Seth’s graduation; the pain was so constant and crippling.  However,  I  made a trip to Santa Barbara last weekend to see Seth perform at Spring Sing.  (Coming home, and especially the walk from the car to my bed was very tenuous, yet I did it!  And I just keep getting stronger!)  Graduation, here I come!  Thanks for your many prayers!  To God be the glory!  Always!