One of the first questions I was asked when I was quite ill
in the hospital was “What are you hoping for?” Random question.
Do I answer it with a question?
Do I get no preamble or explanation? I was out of it and drugged. I wanted to live out the number of days God gives me. I want to continue being wife and mom,
as long as God grants. I answered, "I want to live."
Hospice personnel filed that “wrong” little answer in their
notebook and have continued to come back to it. Two days ago the social worker and head nurse once again
confirmed that I want to live rather than die. As a result, I am now down-graded
from Hospice care to Palliative Care.
Hospice is only for those who want to die.
My oncologist continues to desire to monitor my blood work
and treat the cancer so that I have less pain, become more mobile, extend my
life, and perhaps get a blood transfusion so I can regain energy. These are not allowed in Hospice – only
comfort measures on the passageway to dying.
It was absolutely surreal to sit and talk with these people. My mouth was
agape! I queried, "Are you like a death squad?
Is this really what you tell patients – that their only option is to
desire to die? You really don’t
encourage the spark of life inside to bloom and grab on to a few more
months?" I really like all my home
care people. So it is a struggle
for me to let them go. They say
I’ll have nice ones with Pallative care too.
Yet, I must admit, a month ago, in the hospital, that was
mostly where my mind was – that this was the last passage; there was peace, and
I desired ease and lack of pain.
So, I don’t say this to judge those in hospice – but rather to say it
was just a very strange conversation and a bit spooky now that I’m “out of
hospice” category.
I am upgraded!
I am eating better. I’m a
bit more mobile. Help is still
needed around here, but I am no longer fearful to be left alone for short
times. We will work on a new plan. Hospice was free,
Palliative is not – back to the drawing board. God is faithful – always!
My heart continues to be full of joy and anticipation of
what is around the corner of each day, of each minute.
I've been praying that He brings you back from the edge of death, heals your bones, and wipes out every bit of cancer. I know He can do this and I've been praying without wavering!! And I've still got that trunk =\.
ReplyDeleteAlways praying for you, even when I appear to have fallen off the face of the earth.