I’m Not In Remission Anymore

Here I am, in therapy again – writing out / working out what’s in my brain.

This morning as I was preparing an aloe/honey concoction that is supposed to kill tumor cells, there was a knock at our door.  There was our neighbor Joe, looking weary, worn, emotional, asking if Dave was also around.  Dave must have heard, for he was at the door with me in an instant, and Joe told us his father-in-law, also our neighbor, was killed on the 605 FWY early yesterday morning.  We had not watched the news, we hadn’t heard.  We spent about 30 minutes with him, listening as he grieved, and shared the shock that they were all experiencing.  I promised him dinner tonight, and he was so grateful.  I wish, rather, I could have turned the clock back for all of them, and kept Joe (father-in-law) off the freeway.

In light of the pain of this sudden, horrible death, my prognosis seems like such a blessing.  Being wrenched out of life without the chance to ponder and love one last time; vs knowing you have some time?  Give me the warning.

I heard from the oncologist early evening yesterday, and surprisingly the CT Scan did not show the tumor we suspected... but it did show irregularities to my T10 vertebrae and ribs.  That would suggest bone cancer mets.  He said a bone biopsy would confirm that, but it is risky – so I may forego the confirmation.  We meet with him next Thursday, and will get greater detail on plan of attack.  I want to also explore ‘natural’ ways to deal with this.

He’s not sure why I have all the abdominal discomfort that I do.  Perhaps I take after my mom in this way, as she often has similar pains.  I guess this diagnosis explains my hurting back.  I figured it was “the tumor” that was pressing on my back and causing the pain.  But I suppose now, it is actually the bone cancer that is causing the pain.

I asked about prognosis, he says if treatment does not work - maybe 2 yrs,  if it does work - several years.

How am I feeling?  Actually kind of grateful.  I had begun thinking that I’d be facing 3 – 6 months.  Two years suddenly seems like such a huge gift… and there is the carrot dangling that if things work, “several more years.”  I recently asked God for 20 more years, and then we could have this conversation again.  I wonder, after I asked that, did he already remove an abdominal tumor that I surely thought I had?  Is He already at work, healing?  Nothing is too hard for God.  I recall during this Resurrection season, that even Jesus asked that “this cup be removed” from him.  Not my will, but His.

Of course I ponder Joe Sr.  What happened to him can happen to any of us.  None of us know the time or the season that we will be suddenly snatched.  Two years, several years, tomorrow at 9 a.m.?

I feel most acutely for my husband, our kids, my mom.   Not that I am all that important; yet my absence from these special people will profoundly affect their lives.  Not even that I’m that great of a wife, mom, or daughter – but we do get rather accustomed to that wife, mom, and daughter that we have.  I know that God will show up for each of them, and bring his presence and help.  However, the practically is it will be pretty difficult; it will be an adjustment.  I really don’t want them to have to face that adjustment.

I also feel for the extended family,  so much loss this past year or two.  The funerals have been sadly, quite regular, and unexpected.  And I must ask, for what purpose?  Since I believe that God will bring good out of all bad,  He will not let evil prevail.  Yes, it appeared satan won when he took Jesus out… but look who really won!  All of us!  This is the greatest example of taking something bad and turning it to good.  We all need to look with expectation to God when these things happen.   Rather than asking simply, “Why God?”  We should be asking, “What are you up to now God?  What do you want me to learn?  Who do you want me to better understand?  Who can I serve?”  And then be ready for the good.

So, today, my bottom line is pretty squiggly.  I’m feeling grateful, expectant, sad, confused (not about life, but about all the options of care and treatment we’ll have to figure out).  Please pray for all of us.  This is surely not just about me.  It affects everyone around me.  Pray for healing; and/or wisdom in choosing the correct treatment plan.

(And pray for out neighbor Joe, and his family.  Pray for my mom too.  Moms take things hard when it affects their kids… write her, encourage her.)

Fear God - Then nothing else is Fearful!

During the holidays I had been battling fears of cancer returning.   God began speaking to me about the need to keep my eyes on him, and that fear would dissolve.  Whereas last year’s theme was to “be still and know that He is God,” in January it changed to:

Psalm 112: 7-8, “A righteous person will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord; His heart is secure, He will have No Fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.  Also Psalm 147:11 Fear the LORD – The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Over the last couple of months I have been feeling unwell.  No pain, rather discomfort, pressure, low energy, more naps needed, less energy for hiking and exercising.  With a mission trip to Bolivia around the corner, I thought I had better move up the appointment to my oncologist just to make sure everything was all right.  I emailed my symptoms to him, asked if he would run my blood tests 6 weeks earlier than usual, and he okayed everything.  He said, that surprisingly, the day I was going in for blood work, he even had open appointments.  I generally have to book at least 2 weeks in advance to see him.

On Thursday, I went in.  My favorite nurse was there to draw my blood.  I explained my situation; she looked up my “tumor marker” numbers from blood tests of the last 3 years.  They were great – she was sure that number would still be low.

I was in and out of the lab so fast, and I was feeling so well, I decided that I was a total hypochondriac, and decided that I wouldn’t  wait 2 hours to see my oncologist.  But since his office was right around the corner, on the way to the exit, I stopped by.  Minor miracle again – he took me right in.  I had beat his first afternoon appointment, and he had arrived early.  In the exam room, the nurse had written something akin to:

 “The remarkable thing about God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else.”

Okay… does all this mean something fearful is coming my way?  Yet, the messages are giving me peace.

Doc ordered CT Scan and a return appointment in two weeks.  I argued with him, as I generally do, over things that might cause more cancer – like radiation!  I told him to order it, and I would think it over.  I left without making the 2 week appointment… “what was the point?  I am feeling fine.  I really just need to start exercising more and taking my vitamins.”

The next day, in the evening, just 2 days ago, I checked my emails.  My lab work had come in.  I logged in and checked the tumor marker first.  I could not believe my eyes, it didn’t go up just a little, but over a 100 points.  It left “normal” in the dust.  Then followed the email from the doc.  “Schedule the CT Scan, your readings are elevated.  Need a biopsy.  See you in two weeks.”

CA 27-29 now had me curious.  What does this test do?  Is it accurate?  I learned that it is used to track breast cancer - when the cancer metastasizes.  It can also track benign tumors, colon cancer, etc.  So, now I wait.  Have to do the CT Scan this week.  

I can’t say I’m in perfect peace.  One of those sores popped out on my lip.  I think once I know what is going on, I can start dealing better.  I have had more discomfort than ever since the email…is that psycho-somatic?  Who can say?  But throughout the day, yesterday, I would suddenly feel well, really well.  I sensed someone must be praying for me.  I would be flooded with peace, and the  physical oddness would be gone.

 I have already decided that I will try to get to the Oasis of Hope for treatment, if it is needed.  A friend is taking me to a neuropathic doctor this evening.  See, if it is cancer, and tied to the breast cancer, then it is stage 4.  I’m not wanting to ever take chemo again – so will seek health naturally.  Famous last words?  Who knows.  Just starting a journey?  Who knows.  Patience – and it will all soon be clarified.

So, if you labored through my thoughts – please pray.  Thanks.

A Better Tuesday – Choosing Life

Walking home after the PP stint today, I hummed some praise songs and asked God to bring some relief, some joy, from the grief I felt.  I wondered into a new juice bar that I noticed for the first time today in the market on Greenleaf and Mar Vista.  I was quickly in conversation with a woman who was probably planted there as advertisement, as she was very obviously enjoying her orange concoction of carrot, pineapple, and orange juice.

I told her what I had just been doing.  She told me about her 4^th pregnancy, an unwelcome surprise since she already had three kids, and the youngest was 11 years old.  She and her husband were sad; her family thought she was nuts to keep the child when she could abort.  Yet, she was determined to go through with it.  Three months into the pregnancy she miscarried.  She brought the little body of her baby to the emergency room.  And there she waited, and waited, and waited.  When she started bleeding again, she got the attention she needed.  But rather than rushing her in for the customary D & C, they did an ultrasound and discovered she was still pregnant.  She had been carrying twins, and one had survived the miscarriage.  Six months later she gave birth to a little girl. 

Six weeks later came the second shock!  She was pregnant again.  She made it clear to everyone that there would be no sadness and despair this time.  She had grieved over the baby she lost, and now counted this one as a blessing.  Because she was older, the OB wanted to do the amniocentesis.  She declined.  She knew she would keep the baby no matter what.  Her fifth child was a boy and had Down’s Syndrome.  She had no idea what that meant.  When she asked what to expect, she was told that he would not grow very tall. (Had she been told that he was “Mongoloid” she would have understood – but this Down’s Syndrome was a new term to her.)   She named him David, for she remembered in the Bible story, that David was not very tall, and was the youngest.

David has been a huge blessing to her.  He is now 25 years old.  He is the most affectionate and kind of all her kids.  He has a sixth sense about her emotions, and seems to know just the right things to say.  He is also full of faith and encouragement.  When her husband left her 10 years ago for another woman, David continued to tell her that he would be back.  One year ago, the husband returned – though difficult, they are working things out in their marriage.   It is because of her son’s faith, love, and automatic forgiveness that she is moving forward with mending her marriage.

Most parents abort their baby when they learn it may be Down’s Syndrome. (http://www.lifenews.com/2011/04/19/90-of-down-syndrome-children-aborted-survivors-bring-joy/)  I think it would be really hard to care for a handicapped child… but truth is, though obviously difficult, I have yet to hear a parent of a Down Syndrome child say anything but what a blessing their child is –they can’t imagine life without such a gift. (http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/children-with-down-syndrome-bring-joy.html)

Yes, God heard and answered my prayer.  I got to hear a story of a woman carrying two crisis pregnancies to term.  (Her family continues to live in poverty, yet she has never regretted choosing children over an “easier life.”) And I found a good juice bar!  I loved the carrot/apple/spinach drink!

Tuesday Download

On Tuesdays, just about a mile from my home, they are killing babies! (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/centerDetails.asp?f=2358&a=90070&v=details#!service=abortion)   I go there to try and stop them – by praying, talking, pleading.  So, on Tuesdays, when I get home, I am emotionally drained, spiritually grieved, and physically tired.  A nap always finds its place with me on Tuesday.  Yet, while I am there, I am so encouraged to be with other believers that set aside their time to try and save lives.  They are precious people – heroes.

Since I am unloading today – don’t expect this to be an easy or encouraging read.  Things coming from me on Tuesdays will always be hard.

Today there was an interesting situation.  A camera crew showed up from Channel 62. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KRCA)  Being the curious person I am, I approached the interviewer to ask why he was there. He explained to me that the house he was filming  (right next to the abortion mill parking lot) had dogs that bit four people yesterday. (http://www.whittierdailynews.com/ci_21088856/two-dogs-including-pitbull-bite-four-people-uptown). 

 I told him he was at the wrong location, that the real story was right next door, where I was.  I explained that there were 20 babies that would be killed in that building today.  He asked if I could arrange interviews with the victims, and before I could answer, he had his cameraman drive their vehicle into the parking lot of Planned Parenthood.  I soon came to realize that we had some translation problems – so I broke out my rusty Spanish and told him about the abortions, and that I am with a few people praying.  (And really – how do you interview murder victims?)

He admitted that it would be a great story, but for another time.  He said he would pitch the idea to his boss.  However, today he was hired to get the story of the dogs.  He spent the next several hours interviewing everyone who walked by.  I didn’t realize how many Spanish-speaking people walked right up Greenleaf everyday.  He was batting a thousand.  He never resorted to English.  I actually had just told him that Planned Parenthood is a concern, also because of its target of minorities.  Most of the young women who enter are Hispanic.  This is a mean genetic cleansing.

So, rather a sad commentary on what is newsworthy.  We can perform legal killings and the news coverage is non-existent.  It was true in Germany too, during World War II.  The Holocaust was happening – the legal killing of Jews – and there was no outcry from the neighborhood Germans.  There was no outcry from the workers who carried out the beyond-words-horrible-deed.  Though today – the Holocaust continues to be known as a  horrible blemish on Germany and the world for standing by for too long.  One day, when we all wake up to the horror of abortion, when eyes are opened, and excuses are seen for the lameness that they are – we will again be horror stricken that “man” could be so evil.

The news today:  Here is a house in which 2 dogs live.  They bit 4 people yesterday.  No one was seriously injured.

The news that should have been today:  Here is a building in which people are paid to kill and remove babies from the wombs of complicit women.  Twenty babies will die today.  Twenty women will have their lives permanently altered.

The Tale of Two Slopes

First of all - I actually have been writing a lot - just not getting it copied into my blog.  So, there may be a sudden glut of articles here.

 I have been sitting on this upcoming analogy for over a year.  Yesterday God added such a cool insight, that I decided it needs to come out of my journal and enter my blog.

            I enjoy the Whittier Hills – Helman Park is a place I hike regularly.  I get a free science lesson on how the change of seasons affects plant life, wildlife, and even dirt, just by keeping my eyes open.  There are two particular slopes that receive my regular observation – one north facing, and the other south facing – they face each other with a little canyon between.

                        A year ago I noticed that the south-facing slope was brown, virtually lifeless whereas the north-facing slope was full of green, healthy, tangled growth.  That south-facing slope is in direct sunlight – day in and day out.  There is no shade of protection.   The plant life in May was practically non-existent.  The terrain was laid bare for all to see – where the boulders were, and the holes.  It was a dried, almost shaved, hillside.  So. Cal. is dry, but if there were a chance of daily watering, even in the face of all that constant sunlight, this slope would probably be quite verdant.

             Now I will personify that slope.  It makes me think of a person who faces hardships and trials with virtually nothing to protect him from a new onslaught each day.  It’s like having a string of bad luck.  Without any “water,” this one would remain dry, barren and exposed.  There would be no question of his faults, they would be visible for all to see.  We all know people like this.  They are overwhelmed, sad, and maybe depressed.  We wonder if they are wearing a “kick me” sign for all the little demons to see.

            Yet we also see some of these battered people thrive if they have “water” – that is a daily and intense washing of the Word and the Holy Spirit. The Word will give life and hope as the Holy Spirit fills and gives understanding.  So with plenty of the right, life giving input, someone can survive constant adversity.  Though this particular slope seemed to be simply in survival mode.

            The north facing slope, on the other hand was an expanse of thick, green foliage of many types. There were no paths; one could not even conceive of making a way through that branchy thickness.  This side did not receive any more rain than the barren side.  But it goes to show how “healthy,” nature can be without the relentless burn of the sun.  This side received light, but not direct, burning sunshine.  This hill was always in the shade, facing away from the sun.  It was so strange to see such entirely different landscapes within just yards of each other.

            So what type of person would this be? Those who experience little hardship really can flourish – be healthy – be beautiful – grab all the gusto of life - dig their roots deep -  'seemingly' without the constant drinking of the water, the Word.  Perhaps they are in a healthy enough environment, that they can thrive with just enough “light” – just enough of God-time or fellowship.  Ah, but looking at the opposite slope – how quickly they could fall and dry up with constant adversity.  Though, with that deep root system, it may take a lot to shake their foundation.

            It is a bit sobering to realize how quickly our life can change if we are not accustomed to drinking daily from the Word and being filled daily by the Holy Spirit.  Just by adding some searing experiences, some hard times – we could become that south slope- all dried up, exposed, and empty.

There is more to come… I did a lot of walking in these hills.  More analogies came to me.  Stay tuned.  Next time, we'll get to my new insight.

The Unimportance of Self

Okay.  It has been over a month.  My goal was to post once a week.  I have been tripping over this piece for several weeks.  The wisp of wind that is pushing me off this cliff is one of those confusing sets of verses in the Bible where Jesus is quoted  (Luke 9:50) as saying: 

Whoever is not against you is for you. 

Then later (Luke 11:23):

He who is not with me is against me; he who does not gather with me, scatters. 

So what is it? For me or against me?

I sign up to volunteer and am told, “You cannot volunteer here unless you agree to 10 hours a week.”  Since I only have 5 hours available, I find a friend to split the duty with me.  But the supervisor tells me “You can’t do it that way, you have to do 10 hours, and so does your friend.” I wonder, “What do you have against me? Wouldn’t you rather have 10 hours of work from us and save yourself that many hours of labor?”  I am experiencing rejection.

On other occasions, I have been told I was not needed. Or I hear of “everyone” going somewhere that I consider special or fun – and yet I was not welcomed or invited.  Small potatoes?  Yet these little rejections translate to my heart that I am unwanted, undesired.

I was stewing over this as I drove home, on the 605 Freeway, a few months ago, and boom, sensed God say – “So you think you are god to these people?  You think that every decision and thought is centered around you?”  True!  What makes me think that they are plotting or scheming against me?  I am not the center of their life. They do not always have me on their brain or the throne of their life – as I had imagined.

Every time I put myself in a “god” position I feel alienated.  Jesus said:  Whoever is not against you is for you.  (In this situation Jesus was correcting John who complained about people serving God, just not in company with Jesus and his disciples.) My “hurters” are often people who serve God.  This fact at first added to my confusion.  Now God is showing me that the “real” response He desires from me is to realize, as Jesus explained, that no one is against me! These people are all living for God (like the ones John complained about) – so, as Jesus said,  “They are for you!”  They are out there, serving God, and if asked would say, “Go for it, serve God.  Bless you!”

The Holy Spirit brings honesty into a situation, so I refreshingly conceded that those around me are not  basing their decisions on me or living out a desire to hurt me, or to stop me.  “I” was not even in the equation of their decision-making.  At worst, all their decisions are about themselves. (It is a bit deflating to think that they were not thinking about me.  It is a “deflating” that I need to embrace – for it brings me into reality.)

Such introspection leads me to healthier relationships – if it can be can be done with the Holy Spirit of God, our counselor, keeping everything honest. We really must allow Him to be the referee.  Without Him, everything is seen purely from our self-centered view.  How else?

He also says: He who is not with me is against me.  This is not a direct opposite of the previous verse. The key word here is “me.”  Jesus is referring to himself.  This verse only makes sense to me, in juxtaposition to the previous verse (Whoever is not against you is for you.), if we realize that Jesus is here, talking about himself and his main antagonist, satan, who is against Jesus.   The “me” here is not the rest of us.  Simply stated, those who are not with Jesus are against Jesus and want to destroy what he is doing. 

Now in scenarios of “rejection” dealing with people who do not live for Jesus, I still must remember that I am not on the throne of their life. Neither is Jesus. “I did not get invited, so they are against me,” is not my line.  What I may just be sensing is their dislike or dis-ease of  Jesus.   "They are against me," is Jesus' line.

All these thoughts bring me at last to the concept of Grace.  Even without all these mental/spiritual gymnastics, I can extend grace.  I want grace extended to me.  How many times have I left someone out?  Overlooked an invitation to someone who was watching and wanted to be involved?  Did I single them out for rejection?  God forbid.  I was just clueless, or not listening to the Spirit, or maybe, just stuck, thinking about myself and my own agenda.  Yet I am in Christ, so I can say:  I am not against you, I am for you.  Watch out for satan, he is not with Jesus, he is against Jesus.  Satan will scatter, Jesus will gather.  Let’s extend grace, and listen to our counselor,  the Holy Spirit.

 

Be Still

Recently, as I’ve prayed for others, it has been a rather simple petition: “LORD, help my friend to be still and know that You are God.”  This entreaty has evolved from being a request for others into my own mantra; and a powerful one.  A phrase that is unqualified.  When one can embrace the depth of it; when one does actually reflect on the truth of it; therein lies escape from all besetting issues.

This command is found in Psalm 46.  The statement is surrounded by just those reflections that help us to know the power of our God.  We learn that he is our refuge, strength and helper – and though the earth disintegrates we will not fear. We are invited to see the works of the LORD: he makes wars cease, he destroys the weapons of war.  He will be exalted among nations of the earth.  This is the God that is with us.

Each time I stop and think about the God-created Universe - the dimensions of space that stretch light years across the sky, filled with galaxies, stars innumerable – stars that each have a personal, God-given name,  it blows my mind.  This is the God that is my refuge, strength and helper!  I try to think of God – the Being that has existed before the earth and stars - this always makes my brain hurt and causes me to tremble.  What kind of Being has Always Been?  Oh, my – He is the one who is my refuge, strength and helper?

By now, I am still.  When I consider my “issues” and my lack of wisdom to handle them – all these have become small and manageable in the hands of the Almighty God.  Yes, there is still Jesus.  Jesus – and the amazing sacrifice He made.  So much to consider while I am still.  I am in Christ, and He in me.  As I’m still, I know that there is enough wisdom, courage, hope, love, and understanding to continue the walk.  I can venture on into the pain that clogged me, the fear that stalled me, the selfishness that buried me.  For now I have had my mind transformed; and I can think soberly, very soberly.

To be still and know that He is God actually does seem like a cure-all to me.  Am I overly simplistic?  Perhaps.  Or not.  I hope that my blogs will reflect a person who believes that to consider God – all that He is – Is to change and is to live In Christ.

(This Blog “set up” is a 2011 Christmas gift from Seth.  I hope it reflects a journey in the direction of knowing God.)