Feverish Thoughts from a Tired Mind

--> I’ve been running a fever, dealing with chills, and an achy body for two days.  If I am being examined by one of the “western” docs - he is befuddled and wondering if I have a hidden infection and the “alternative” docs, think this is all symptomatic of my body detoxing.  Either way they are showing great concern and care for me.

I have found life to be a little spiritually dry at this place.  Even though a guy comes on Sunday morning, and another gal leads something on Wednesday, it is like bringing in the T-Ball players for a Major League game.  These two have great hearts, but they are not speaking to my needs.  So I went over to Oasis of Hope, the clinic where I had originally planned on staying.  I wandered through the halls until I found the patients, got to know a couple of them, and then asked about the spiritual climate there.  What they shared was so encouraging that I have returned for the 10 AM worship time and intend on going to their Sunday service. I love how God provides.  (I’ve only been able to go once because this fever has slowed me down.) Another nice thing will be that an Orphanage nearby will come and pick some of us up on Sunday so we can get a tour and the kids can pray for us.  (They always need food.  So if you see this before Saturday, try to contact my brother Steve or my friend Marta so that they can bring the food up when they visit on Saturday/Sunday.)

There are those things that I will miss when I leave here, and those things that I will not miss.

I will miss;

*A daily view of the ocean, walks on the boardwalk, watching dolphins and sea lions.

*New friends made here, great healing conversations, Canasta games (yes Sundins, let’s continue in Whittier – though I think it will be a game of three, with Dave adding comic relief.)

*Someone doing my laundry each day, cleaning my room, making my bed, cooking all my meals, making all my drinks.

*Diligence of doctors and nurses to make sure I complete all of my treatments.  (I chose not to do the Full Body Hyperthermia today since I’m already running a fever.  I actually had to sign off on a paper that I changed my protocol!)

*The amazing state-of-the-art biological dentistry here at “Mexico” costs.  Incredible.  I am coming back!

*An avocado almost everyday!  Yum.

I will not miss:

*The loud motorcycles screaming up and down the street in the wee hours of the morning; car horns going off for minutes at a time when I’m trying to sleep.

*Green drinks –  I am getting my fill of them, and I suppose I need to keep making and drinking them when I get home.  Really tired of the 4 glasses a day.

*Having my vitals taken 4 or 5 times a day.

*Undressing and dressing so many times each day for the treatments.

*Having so many conversations with “cancer” as the main topic.

*The pain I feel for staff that work such long hours here.  It seems so wrong, especially when there are little kids at home who must never see their moms and dads.

*Long days with few breaks.  I think when I get home I will sleep for three days straight.

*Missing my husband, kids, home, church, neighbors, chicken, bed.  Two weeks is the optimum amount of time for me to be away.  Three weeks is tough.
*Throwing used toilet paper into trashcans rather than toilet. (I am a spoiled American.)

A Day in the Life

I sure have not blogged as much as I thought I would from Mexico.  I am really quite busy with all the treatments.  I take walks each day, to get a break from the routine, but also to enjoy the ocean and the neighborhood.  Meal times are always enjoyable with the other patients - so that is three hours of eating/socializing, just with that.  So here is what my day looks like with treatments:

Wake up and go into sauna (25 min) or hyperthermia bed (45 min).  These places are about 110 degrees and I end up with about 101.5 degrees body temperature.  This serves to help me sweat out toxins.

Then I have breakfast, take a walk on the boardwalk, and come back to start infusions.  I get Vitamin C, (2 hours) Calcium (1 hour), Double Helix Water (30 min), Poly MVA (30 min), Laetrile (1 hour).   

http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/featured-therapies/poly-mva.html  This page also has links to all the other infusions that I am receiving.

While receiving the infusions I will start some of my other treatments –

Indiba (30 min)– this applies heat right in the area of cancer – helps to kill it.

More info on Indiba:http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/core-therapies/hyperthermia.html 

Ondamed  (30 min)– this is an electro magnetic type treatment that helps reset my lymphatic system and immune system.

I forgot to get a picture.  Picture me with an antennae type thing hanging on my neck, and a  large combed pad on my back.

http://www.ondamed.co.uk/general/faq.php

Photo-Sono Dynamic Therapy.  On my first night I took an oral/sublingual substance that took 24 hours to reach the cancer and stay there – the following therapies trigger that substance to kill cancer.

This is actually 3 steps:

Laser light (30 min)  First picture is the light, and it goes against my skin, as shown in second picture.

Full Spectrum Light  (1 hour)

And Ultra sound. (25 min) The device below is used in areas of cancer.  This can be done with a gel or in a bathtub.

 More info about this treatment: http://www.hope4cancer.com/hope4cancer-treatments/core-therapies/spdt.html

I stay 30 minutes under a Near Infra-Red light each day.

I also take 2 or 3 walks of one to two miles each day.

We are tracked down and given 4 glasses of green juice, 1 glass of red juice, a plate of nuts and a tall glass of coconut water each day.

Vitals are taken 4 times a day.  My oxygen level has been staying high at 98 - 99%.

 

Meal time is a nice time to catch up with all the patients.

The treatment I am most looking forward to is called Recall Therapy.  This will happen next week.  I have been given several sheets of questions to fill out in regards to difficult times or traumas I have experienced.  The goal is to find those things that I have buried, rather than dealt with.  The premise is that when cancer patients deal with these things their healing process is accelerated.  We have heard of some amazing stories of healing as a result of this process.  The anticipation of this has added new dimensions of conversations with other patients.  We are all ready to go deep and to get well, not just of cancer, but in our inner self.

I have been feeling pretty good.  I have even less pain than when I first arrived.  My energy is good.  Socially - I have been glad to have one of my daughters with me; even though there are developing friendships here, it's just nice to have some comfort from home.  It makes me feel more whole.

Thanks again for your prayers.  I also want to thank so many that have helped financially.  I want to thank everyone personally, and I eventually will.  If I haven't yet sent you a greeting, please know that I am so appreciative and I will.  The therapy here is definitely worth the high cost.  The care given and research to back up all the treatments is very impressive.  They will send me home with treatments for one month.  They also suggest many supplements that can cost up to $400 a month; but they will help me figure out which ones are absolutely necessary.  I do want to stay diligent in fighting the cancer, but likewise I don't want treatments to take over my life once I get this back under control.  I am determined that cancer not be my "life."

The Veil of Death is Gone

A whirlwind of activity has kept me away from writing.  Ariana’s graduation is soon upon us, her grades are due, the announcements must be sent.  I’m the mom in charge of Grad Night (actually an all day activity next Thursday), and I’m also finishing a class at Rio Hondo College.  Sandwiched between these things are lots of doctor visits.

The best news is that I am no longer thinking about dying.  It seems after the prayer time a couple Saturdays ago, the visit to Mexico, and a consult with a local doctor, I began believing that I would be healed; that I would beat this cancer for another season, or perhaps for good.  I didn’t even realize that veil of death was on me, until it left.  What a difference.  I feel more alive, more joyful, more ready to fight.  I thought I felt all those things before.  Yet something very distinctive has happened a couple weeks ago.  I am lighter.  It makes me think of the verse in I Corinthians 13:12, that now we see through a glass darkly, but later will see clearly (my paraphrase).  We don’t really think about how unclearly we see right now.  But one day, I believe, when we see truly, we’ll wonder how we ever believed we understood anything in this life.

A couple days ago I received the treatment plan from Hope For Cancer.  It includes things like photo dynamic therapy, sono dynamic therapy; two of the following IV’s: Vitamin C Therapy, Poly MVA, and Laetrile/B-17; Hyperthermia – both local and body; along with those are a host of supportive therapies: aloe-med therapy, nutrition, coffee enema, near infra red lamp and sauna, double helix water, ozone therapy, onda-med, and psychological searching for cancer roots; then there are a series of assessments.  I’ve researched most of these, and they all have impressive results in beating cancer.

I have not entirely ruled out using a local doctor who can guide me through many of these same therapies.  This same doctor has started me on the Vitamin C IV therapy.  This builds up my immune system to fight cancer, and can also kill cancer cells.  He may also soon start me on another therapy (hydrogen peroxide).  So, we try a few things until my next tumor marker test (May 21).  I am comfortable doing this, since I didn’t want to do nothing, while waiting to go to Mexico after Ariana’s graduation.

Yet, as I consider all the driving around I’ve done this last couple of weeks, staying at one location for 3 weeks, and having all the treatments come to me, seems very healing. However, the huge expense continues to bother me.  I am always one who is looking for a deal.  My son is adamant I stay on the path to Hope For Cancer.  Maybe it’s time for another family meeting. We continue to need wisdom as we process alternatives.

My big worry right now, is about money, but not in the way one would suspect.  I worry about what to do with the donation money if I don’t need it after all.  What if I find a treatment plan that is not as expensive as Mexico’s $30,000, but which still works?  What if God heals me?  So I am not cashing checks yet.   I hope that doesn’t make people nervous.  (I cashed one check because of request to do so.)  I have kept most of the money in paypal, in case I need to return it.  (Though Kaiser bills and co-pays are coming in.  We’re at about $1600 already.)   And there have been other therapies that I’m doing ($500ish so far).  It is a huge responsibility to have all this money to take care of.  (By the way, we are at about $15,000 now!  Yes I do praise God!  What a great help! I am confident He will supply all that we need.)  So I am keeping track of all the expenses and bills that I am paying with the donation money.  If ever any of you would like to see that, please ask.  Accountability is a good thing.

Needless to say, I am very curious about the next tumor marker result.  A lot has happened this month with prayer and alternative therapies.  My diet has changed a lot.  Sugar, flour, white rice, most dairy, and most meat are off my plate.  I feel much better.  I am not so run down as I was a month ago.  Naps are not as frequent or necessary.  Pain in my back is mostly non-existent.

Thanks for continued prayer and love.  It is a huge therapy for me! My hope remains in God’s unfailing love.  “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death, and to keep alive in famine.”  (ha ha, my diet sometimes feels like famine.)

Saturday Prayer Time

What a whirlwind of meetings and an abundance of information these days.  My house is a mess, I’m barely home; my brain and heart are full; now I must digest and sort out, and be still and know God, and allow Him to guide, (and wave a magic wand to clean this house.)

One thing is certain, that with all this prayer, and meetings with doctors and  interviews with cancer patients in Mexico, I have shed my aura of “I am going to die soon,” and feel rather “I am going to live.  I am going to beat this cancer.  God is bringing healing!”  I am not out of touch with reality, but rather, am more fully embracing the truth that no disease or statistic or doctor is going to tell me when I will die.  I am alive right now, and I don’t need to embrace any thought of death, any more than the rest of us who could be in a car accident and die tomorrow.  How sorrowful if we always grieved what might be, rather than live and love what we have right now.

We had an awesome prayer time last Saturday, and I want to take time to consider the spiritual aspect, and then later I’ll write to help me process the medical side.  On Saturday three of us were prayed for; each getting about an hour of focused attention; first for Nancy, for healing from MS, then me, and afterwards for Sandy, for healing of ALS.

There are five things that stood out during the prayers for me; healing, nature, bad, dancing, and Hezekiah.  Of course the “prayer warriors” asked for healing.  They did not beg, but simply asked, as they anointed me with oil.  Often involved with intensive times of prayer is the listening aspect, which brings “words of knowledge” or things people would not necessarily know if God had not brought it to mind.  Two of the people praying for me, Brandon and Judy, had never met me, and only knew I was dealing with stage 4 cancer.  These “words” can be relevant to healing, not just of the body, but to the whole person.

One of the first things Brandon mentioned, after listening to God, was that he sensed I loved nature, and that this was very pleasing to God.  We kind of laughed over some imagery of the Jolly Green Giant, or the scene from Hidden Valley commercials, where he “saw” me dressed in green and walking out of the hills into a beautiful green, lush valley.  The main idea was “Diana does well in nature.  She loves God’s creation. This is not just a comfortable place, but a joyful place.  And it brings God pleasure that she is living out this part of the character He built into her.”

This imagery was right on.  I love being in nature.  I feel close to God.  I love his creation.  I am enlivened.  My ears are attuned to each bird song, to the sound of air as it courses through the feathers of a crow flying by, to the beauty of a shadow cast by a small pebble early in the morning.  So, bingo!   So though this may not have been directly related to healing, it alerted me that God was speaking, and sharing his secrets.

 I think it was Judy who saw a couple of things.  (I hope I don’t totally fracture her actual words; I’ve waited too long to write it all down.)  She felt perhaps that I am not allowing the “bad” to be spoken.  That perhaps I have too much of a “good Christian girl mentality” and hold back anger or disappointments.  She encouraged me to let it rip.  God does not worry about me messing up his reputation. 

I found this word to be interesting, because it fits with some other recent conversations and thoughts.  A friend told me recently I needed to “unload more often.”  Someone at the first prayer meeting encouraged me in a similar way, to find those things that are causing unrest, stress, anxiety, and to examine and get rid of them.  The oncologist in Mexico said that some of their therapy includes  “Recall Therapy” to help discover and get rid of pain that may have triggered this cancer.  And the doctor we saw yesterday said something similar.  What’s interesting is that I am a pretty laid back person.  I am not easily bothered – nor stressed, though I have my moments.  Mostly, things just roll off me… and if they don’t, I work it out so I don’t have to “vomit” all over someone – I allow them to be a jerk – ‘cus that’s what they’re good at – or maybe they’ve had a tough day, or a tough life. I love showing grace.  Grace is attractive and freeing. 

Also, as I watch some people, who don’t hold back, but are going off on people all too often, I find it ugly and think it causes pain for even more people – I hate their response. I don’t want to become like those who are always looking out for themselves and not caring about the repercussions they cause. Neither do I want to hold disease in my body, if indeed that is what I’m doing.  So, I guess what I’m saying, is that I may have to find a balance. So, I’ve signed up for counseling!  Maybe I can get some guidance in ways to process things or “get rid of the bad” in a healthy way.

One of the prayer warriors saw me needing to, or actually involved in “flagrant praise, worship and dancing.”  “Dancing” is a fun theme, and it was mentioned several times during the prayer hour.  There has to be a sense of freedom and abandon in order for one to dance flagrantly. I love that image.  Free me up Lord! (And yes, I love to dance.)

This too, struck chords in my heart.  I have been inquiring of the LORD about worship.  I have been stuck too long in “head” worship, and I miss my days of free “heart” worship.  I accepted this prayer as a blessing from God.  Watch out.  You just might see me dancing across the top of the Whittier Hills.  Seth just put together a little youtube video on his fund raising page.  He used a song by David Wilcox, and part of the lyrics are “She’s just dancing...” Seth did not know about the details of the prayer time.  See how God works!

One of the last people who prayed had arrived late, and has had little contact with me.  Yet she said that God spoke to her on the drive to Whittier about the story of Hezekiah, who after he was told he would die, asked God for more years.  This was part of my early story.  Using the Hezekiah example, I have asked God for twenty more years.  I loved the confirmation she brought/ God brought.

Since Saturday, I have experienced less pain.  I have not needed to take as many Tylenol to get through the day or night.  I have also had more energy, and have not needed as many naps.  Wouldn't it be so cool if a progressive healing is taking place? Will you all dance with me when this journey is over! I continue to say, nevertheless, my hope is in the unfailing love of the LORD.  His eyes are watching everything; he considers what I do, he knows my heart, and none of this changes whether I have cancer or not.

Hoping For A Wedding

I loved our conversation at our care group tonight.  We continued a conversation about hope.  In the Bible, Paul asks  “Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”  Yet throughout Scripture we are told to put our hope in the LORD.  Oops, does that mean we don’t really have the LORD?  How can we continue to hope in the LORD if we already have him?  “Who hopes for what he already has?”

We were figuring things out.  None of us have seen Him face to face.  We certainly don’t have Him figured out.  There is so much to Him, so much to blow us over.  We’re getting a glimpse, and we’re loving what we see.  Whatever we have of Him, is certainly not all there is.  We barely understand Him at all. So yes, we can continue hoping in Him, because truly, we don’t have all of Him.  Will eternity be long enough to completely behold him?  Will the quest of hope always be what keeps us energized in our relationship to him?

We also thought about the wedding feast of the Lamb.  The day that God  “will marry his church.”  I, being the only married person at the group tonight, was asked what it was like to get ready for a  wedding… so perhaps we can draw comparisons to how we, collectively, as the church, can be preparing.   And then ask, what are we individuals doing to get ready for this wedding celebration?

 It was fun to reminisce with the group about getting ready to marry Dave.   From the day we were engaged, each morning that I woke up, I thought about  my husband-to-be, and I thought about the wedding preparations, and I also thought about my body.  I was preparing my body.  I joined weight watchers (who almost didn’t let me in, because they didn’t see that I had any weight to lose – but money speaks); I worked out regularly; I got tan; as we got closer; got the hair, nails and make-up all prepared.

 But there were the other preparations.  We wanted a great marriage, so we actually went to 4 different counselors; we dealt with things up front.   We thought about our guest list (a bit too much, according to my dad who had to pay that dinner bill).  We wanted everyone there. We also thought we had a corner on love.  No one really knew what true love was until we came around.  Ha ha.  I’ve talked to many a couple since then.  I love how they all have believed that same about their own relationship.  It’s probably the way it should be.

But always we were focused. Every day, our thoughts would turn to the wedding.  We’re getting closer – are we getting it all together?  Is our relationship healthy?  Are we inviting everyone to come? The energy is totally focused on that great day.

I love the comparisons.  There is the great expectation. As believers, we do wake up, with Jesus on our mind.  We thank him for a new day.  We wait to find out how He’ll instruct us for the day.  Or maybe He already has given us the “To Do” list for the day; and we eagerly get started.  We want to be healthy.  We meditate on His word.  We seek counsel and accountability.  We keep inviting guests; we don’t want anyone left out.  And I feel like I have a corner on God’s love for me.  He has a way of making me feel like I am His very favorite.  I know that is not true… but I think that is the way it is supposed to be.

Confirmed Mets

Well, it’s probably good I wasn’t with my computer 2 hours ago.  Everything I felt was dark, hopeless, confused, sad, and I wanted to escape.  I got a surprise email from my oncologist.  He had already received the test results to the bone biopsy.  They told me it could be a week before they knew.  It came back as positive for the breast cancer – estrogen positive – definitely mets.  It is so hard to take bad news when my hope was for good news.  All the  prayers, all the stupid little pills I’m taking, all the carrot juice I’m drinking – I really hoped for different news.

Dave and Seth were not at home.  Seth is off doing celebratory groomsmen things.  Dave  working with a client in Long Beach.  I went outside first, just to sit and absorb the news, and wonder why I was taking it so hard.   It’s not like I haven’t known it.  I even think Seth and Dave would say – “Well yeah, we know, you were told about this several weeks ago.”  But it feels like such bad news to me, like hearing it for the first time.

I went back in the house, and Davita’s first words were, “Mom, you found out the test results already?”  Ariana and I asked her later how she knew.  Ariana was wondering if she’d missed something.  Davita answered, “Your face mom, it looked like you just got bad news.  I was with you before when you got the other phone call – you had the same expression.”  Wow.  I had no idea my face revealed so much.  I know Dave’s face does, but not my own. He must be rubbing off on me.

Well, there were real tears and crying this time.  I know it’s all still sinking in.  I wasn’t very optimistic or full of faith or courage 2 hours ago.  Just sadness.  I don’t want to make decisions about treatment, because I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know whose advice to take.  How does one finally become confident in any certain treatment?  How do I hand out $20,000 or $5,000 to someone who may make me well?  Do I really start eating only raw foods for the rest of my life?  What if the rest of my life is only 2 years?  Frankly, I enjoy the fellowship of friends and eating delicious foods – if I only have 2 years, do I just give all that up?  But if it were my cure, and I could have the 20 more years – will it always have to be with a strict diet?  Yes that is worth the trade.  But it will be a sacrifice of some nice times.

Then there’s the whole bothersome money thing.  I thought I might be working this fall to start helping my kids pay for college, so they are not graduating with tons of debt.  But instead I take out the thousands for alternative therapies?  I hate that there are no guarantees in this cancer business.  I hate the thought of perhaps wasting my kids’ inheritance on something that may not work.

I guess this is the day to vent.  I am not seeing much good coming out of this train of thought.  More questions than answers today.  I’m not liking that.  Is God going to lead me to answers?  I’d like to believe so… He is going to have to be the One to come through with the real answers.  I don’t know how to get an answer out of Him.  I, like millions before me, wish He would just write it down and stick it in the mailbox for me:  Here is what you need to do for cancer treatment… just spell it all out for me.

And I still have to do a colonoscopy on Monday, and that horrible prep on Sunday.  I tell you, I’m pitiful right now.

It's All Falling Into Place

I’ve been looking forward to memorizing these next verses in Psalm 33: No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength.  A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.  But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

I realize anew that it doesn’t matter who I am, what I own, where I live, I am not immune to “surprises.”  And how silly it would be of me, when a challenge comes my way to talk about these things, as if they should have protected me. 

I am brought to my knees, to my face, once again, as I think about God’s “New Year Message” for me to “Fear the LORD.”  He was preparing my heart to face this cancer season.  He brought me to Psalm 33 to memorize and meditate on it; and here is his statement to me: The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him…”   He wants me to know deeply that his eyes are on me, and that I don’t place my hope in cures, or diets, or clinics, or the money to pay for all those things, but that I hope in Him, in his “unfailing love.”  He then says he will  “deliver them from death.”  One way or the other He, and He alone will deliver me from death.  Either meaning, that he will keep me alive on earth despite the cancer, or that he will take me home to continue the eternity that I’ve already begun living here on earth side.

Two words that have caught my attention in this Psalm are "unfailing love."  Three times they are expressed.  Stay tuned!  God will be using the message of his unfailing love for us.  I'm catching on to how He works.

On Saturday, a thought entered my head, “I wonder God, why you want me to have cancer.”  The moment I realized the lie I had thought, God and I both tackled it, and rather affirmed, “NO, God does not want me to have cancer… never, ever.  Cancer is an evil brought on by satan himself.”  I was quick to speak against the cancer and the enemy of my soul.  It felt so cleansing.  Truly, I felt health rip through my body.  I realize that God has allowed satan to do this to me… but God will always take what looks like satan’s triumph and make it His own.  Look at Jesus!  His last day looked pretty desperate – Jesus dead on the cross, then buried.  But that horrible act became our greatest triumph – our way of salvation.

I also realized on Saturday, that I had put a lot of hope into that bone biopsy coming back negative for cancer.  So many people are praying for me.  The doctors remind me that it could be something else.  I have been doing my little anti-cancer self-treatments.  Simply put, I hoped for a negative test result.  So when I got the email saying it was positive for breast cancer mets, my hope was dashed.  I was undone.  My problem?  I had taken my hope off the LORD and put it onto “results.”  However, my hope will never be dashed if it remains in the LORD.

(And wouldn’t you know that Sunday’s sermon was on HOPE! -  I Peter 1.  I love when God brings reinforcement to a word He speaks to my heart.  And so my Hope is in the LORD.)

Things are falling into place.  My friend Rivi,  left me a message on Saturday while we were at Paul and Jenessa’s wedding and I didn’t know when I’d be able to call her back. But the wedding party got back-logged at Penn Park, waiting for the best spot to get their pictures taken.  This gave me time for a lengthy chat about a clinic in Mexico that she would be going to the next day.   She ruled out a place I thought I wanted to go to, and found something better.  I love how it all works together. 

Then yesterday, Seth and Dave wrote about my situation, asking for help.  I cry every time I go to my email and get the notifications.  I also received a phone call promising a nice sum of money to help with the expenses.  I don’t want to take that much from anyone… but the act spoke to me of love, and it added peace.  

(I know there is concern about how much has been raised.  As of now, Wed evening, just over 24 hours of the request going out, we have $2700… we are so very thankful.)

So, it’s coming together.  God may have healing for me at the prayer meeting on Saturday… my hope is in God though, not in healing.  He has made my heart at peace.