To Love Is To Give Life

I remember after Rich Buehler, a favorite Christian radio personality around So Cal, announced that he had terminal cancer three years ago, and didn’t have long to live, that many of his friends decided to give him a living memorial or tribute.  That happened, and we all waited over the next few days for the sad news of his death.  But rather, he lived for almost 2 more years.  Now I don’t know what treatment he was going through, what worked, what didn’t.  In my mind though, I was sure he continued to live because of the love and encouragement he received.

I am now more convinced of this than ever.  How lovely it is to be loved.  This will sound sick, I am sure, but I rather wish everyone could go through something horrible in order to be allowed the privilege of unrestrained love.  With every act of kindness, with every word of encouragement, with every promise of continued prayer I sense my spirit waking up to another day of life – a day that may have been lost – is now reclaimed.  I sense  the cancer being restrained for one more day simply because of being loved.  My mind even now goes to those orphanages in Russia, where babies were found dying.  But once they were daily cuddled and talked to, they began to thrive.  All their other needs were cared for – but love had been left out.

I feel I must temper my enjoyment of this attention – it seems rather indulgent, egotistical, greedy, or gluttonous.  I dreaded my wedding and baby showers because I would have to be, by nature of the beast, the center of attention.  Now I am drinking it in deeply; allowing myself to believe the words, that I am loved and that perhaps I may have been important in someone’s life.  (Oh, I blush to even write that.  I wonder at myself – what type of therapy is this?  Somehow, it must be important, for here I am on this path, dealing with it.) Surely the LORD will help me to sort this all out.  Here I am at the beginning of wondering how to do that.

Even as I look at the first three paragraphs and see that they all begin with the word “I” –  it makes me cringe.  The editor and reserved part of me wants to go back and rearrange those sentences… but then I’d have to delete this paragraph.  Ha.   This experience thus far has shown me how amazing my friends, family, and acquaintances are – how much there is to learn from them all.  I don’t fancy myself as such a giving, caring person as all of these.  I’m taking mental notes.  I’m considering, not just the person on the terminal path, but the one stuck on a lonely path.  How beautiful to find those people and breathe life into them, just as life is being breathed into me.  O Lord, open our eyes to those people who would begin to thrive because of love.

These have been my thoughts for the past week or so.  Raw – quite raw if you know how I struggle with getting attention.  Just keep me in the back of the room.  Yet another thing just came to mind – here comes the blushing again – I cry at parades, and I cry after kids’ performances when everyone is applauding.  I don’t have to know any of those kids.  But it has often made me wonder if I had some unmet need for attention or acclaim. Perhaps it’s not the attention – I actually have received a fair amount of kudos -  perhaps it’s the acceptance of the approval, not believing the compliments as “real.”  I deflect and deny.  (Okay - I will sign up for some therapy.)

To close this out with my original intent; please accept my deep and heartfelt thanks for everyone of you who are praying for me, thinking of me, speaking to me about this, writing, sending, caring.  I truly believe that each act has extended my life one extra day.

(And please note that none of my other paragraphs began with the word “I.”)

Good Things That Got Me Through Today

Today has been one of those roller coaster kinda days.  Woke up to such a beautiful day.  I had wanted to hike early to replace going to Planned Parenthood to pray (they’re closed for construction – so no abortions today.)  But late night stomach aches and 4 am allergies trumped that excellent decision.

I was feeling loved by Seth, who last night was trying to find some time we could have fun canoeing or horseback riding.  Today would have been perfect for being outdoors.  And I was happy Ariana was back home.

Today is Dave’s birthday!  And that made me happy!  The goal for the day – pull off a party… but first, off to ceramics class with Davita.  The first call I got while in class was amazing – my sister-in-law Diana offered to make Dave a cake.  (I am needing rest a lot more now – so that could happen with that gift!)  The second call came from Kaiser.  (I had realized on my CT Scan report that the doctor did not make a comparison with the CT Scan that was taken in 2009.  Being the hopeful person I am – I asked him yesterday to make that comparison, perhaps he would find nothing had changed, and that indeed I just have some anomaly in my bones and tissue that has always been there.)  I found out that was not the case; indeed things have changed.  It hit me hard.  I needed to walk and cry a bit.  It’s hitting me – the reality – and I really don’t want to do this cancer thing again.  So, I had hoped.  And I’ll keep hoping with each of the other tests.  I hope and pray that God will heal me.  I will hope that when those results come back, all will be good.

I was telling Davita on the way home that I felt so defeated and wiped out when hope doesn’t pan out.  I wondered aloud how I’ll handle the real fight against cancer.  Right now I’m just fighting against facts.  Will I just wimp out and give up when the cancer fight gets hard?  Davita is such a mature young lady.  She had all the right words to say. I can’t recall her exact words because I was a bit of a basket case.  I just know that her words, her honesty, her love brought me back to reality and normality… and now I’m good again.  It was a confidence builder for me too, learning that she can handle my emotions.  As a mom, I want to be the strong one, setting the example of faith.  It was good for her to see me raw, and know that she could deal with mom that way.

Part of Dave’s party was to have us each share our favorite song… really, how can one do that?  As Dave Owens said, that’s like asking us to each tell about our favorite child.  But we did all come up with a song we like a lot.

Several months ago I resurrected my Dan Fogelberg albums and have been enjoying his music.  In college days “Netherlands” was my favorite.  The music is epic.  Here are the lyrics, but you really need to hear the music:

Netherlands Lyrics

High on this mountain The clouds down below I'm feeling so strong and alive 

From this rocky perch I'll continue to search For the wind And the snow And the sky 

I want a lover I want some friends And I want to live in the sun 

And I want to do all the things that I never have done. 

Sunny bright mornings And pale moonlit nights Keep me from feeling alone 

Now, I'm learning to fly And this freedom is like Nothing that I've ever known 

I've seen the bottom And I've been on top But mostly I've lived in between 

And where do you go When you get to the end of your dream? 

Off in the nether lands I heard a sound Like the beating of heavenly wings 

And deep in my brain I can hear a refrain Of my soul as she rises and sings 

Anthems to glory and Anthems to love and Hymns filled with early delight 

Like the songs that the darkness Composes to worship the light. 

Once in a vision I came on some woods And stood at a fork in the road 

My choices were clear Yet I froze with the fear Of not knowing which way to go 

One road was simple Acceptance of life The other road offered sweet peace 

When I made my decision My vision became my release.

I’ve always liked the sense of adventure and mystery and choices of this song; and how strongly nature is involved… of course my world view has God written all over this song too.  And so each day I come to a fork in the road.  Will I choose God or will I choose fear.  Anyone of you may find me plagued by fear at some point – and it’s okay to speak those words of truth and get me back on the road of peace.   (Guess I am not sure why Fogelberg has made “acceptance of life” and “sweet peace” as two different ways to go – it may be they can be found on the same path.)

I don’t like having to deal with raw disappointment.  It knocks me off kilter.  That’s what happened today.   And it will probably happen again.  So, there is my rambling. 

And We Thought They Were Only Filthy Pests

In my search for alternative therapies to cure or slow down cancer, my favorite comes from my mom’s doctor, and old friend of the family, Dr. Magallan.  He has a neighbor who went to China for a cancer cure.  His cancer is gone because for 10 years, everyday, he eats 4 live cockroaches!  I had a good laugh over that one. 

All these years, as we stomp on cockroaches in the alley near the garbage, we all wonder, what was God thinking when he created these?  Or are they just a direct creation of satan?  Ha ha… we have been stomping on the cure for cancer.  I took it further, and went to pubmed to see if anyone has researched this.  (Whenever someone approaches me about a cure, I check this site to see if there is any validity to the claim.)  I found out that an “ingredient” called Eupolyphaga is derived from the cockroach, and that yes, it has been successful in killing cancer cells.  Check it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=cockroach+cancer.  However, I have not found any local or Mexican clinics that use this “cure.”  I just may wait on it for now.  Unless someone is game to do it with me – you first!

Several people have asked me what I’ll be doing, or what I am doing to fight the cancer now while waiting for all the test results.  I am doing several things, but honestly, I hold my greatest stock in what God has for me; so I covet the prayers and storming the gates of heaven.  And while I believe that I should do what I can, I question how helpful anything actually is.  I don’t intend to sound negative, it is just that I know certain statistics.  Statistically I should not have cancer.  (Well, actually I should have skin cancer; I was one of those bathing beauties at the beach with a bikini and baby oil slathered all over my body.  I did several outdoor sports and never put on sun block; because I preferred the tan.)   Anyway, because of my diet and physical activity I am not a high cancer risk.  So, it seems to me there is something else going on inside that is resistant to healthy decisions. 

What I am doing now, in no particular order:

1) Honey/Aloe Vera/ Rum.  I’m almost done with the 10 days on. http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/aloe-vera-honey-rum-treatment.html

2) DoTerra Frankincense – rather expensive; but I’m taking a few home made capsules each day.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=frankincense+and+cancer

3. Exercise

4. Prayer and Meditation

5. Diet:   juicing, organic, anti-oxidant, alkaline – these are my “topics” for now.  I’m mostly avoiding  sugar, white flour, white rice, processed foods.

What I will be doing once everything is figured out?  I don’t know.  I’m staying open to all options that will keep me alive, and let me also feel alive – quantity and quality – or some reasonable balance.

And So I Hope

I have been encouraged today by the Lover of our Souls.  When I returned home from the oncologist and wanted time with God, I asked that He would speak to my soul, something personal and perfect … tell me what He’d like me to hear.  I went to Psalm 128, since that is the next one on my personal reading schedule, and it begins with ‘my theme:’ “Blessed are those who fear the LORD… “ and it ends with an incredible blessing, that speaks volumes of healing and promise to me: “and may you live to see your children’s children.”  Personal and perfect!

This has not been a day where peace reigned.  I was quite nervous about the upcoming oncologist appointment; quite overwhelmed with treatment options I’ve been researching.  I don’t know how I’ll ever make a decision on treatment.  I finally realized that I need to chill a bit, and remember that I know the All Wise One, the Healer, the Decider, the Revealer of Truth.  Okay, that helped… then on to the doctor.

What can I say?  Dare I hope?  I went in with dread, but came out with hope.  He had no sure answers - yet.  The full CT Scan report is now in my hands, and everything is worded carefully:  “cannot rule out subtle mets”  “lesion suggesting mets” “irregular lucency in right post rib, suggesting mets,” “subtle mets in this area cannot be ruled out.” Four areas of possible cancer mets – two in tissue, two in bone. 

The only way to know for sure is to do the bone biopsy.  He ordered it.  Bleh.   Ouch.

(I also learned that I had a “mild old compression fracture on my T9 vertebrae” – now was that from the rock climbing fall in my twenties? Or the inline skates fall in my 40’s? Or something I don’t even remember???) 

The high tumor marker?  The absence of an abdominal tumor?  He’s puzzled with that one.  All my previous symptoms pointed to a huge tumor.  I explained that after that high tumor marker test came in, I immediately asked for people to pray, and they did.  Before anything had changed, I told my family that for once, I couldn’t wait to have surgery, just so I could be comfortable again. I was very tired of carrying that “thing” around.   Then the uncomfortable heaviness in my abdomen disappeared.  It was gone by the time I went in for the CT scan.  How can that be explained, except that God answered prayer?  The doctor doesn’t know.  He said that the there are false positives with the tumor marker.  But after a pause, he added that he’d never seen a false positive that read as high as mine though.  Mine was about 130, the false positives he’s seen were 40.  Normal is about 30.  At my request, he finally ordered that test again.  I’m curious to see if it is lower now that my abdomen feels better.

We also talked about the possibility of colon cancer.  Apparently the CT Scan does not do a good job of catching that.  My markers for that also doubled in the last couple of months.  He wasn’t concerned, initially, because they were still in normal range.  However, since he’s not sure what is going on, he ordered a colonoscopy.  Lucky me.

I asked about getting permission for second opinions at Alternative Centers and City of Hope; but he said no one would see me until we get something concrete – back to the bone biopsy.  Bleh.  I really don’t want that.

The last question of the day.  “So what do I do in the meantime?”  “Well,” he answered, “It looks like prayer has been working.  Why don’t you keep that up.  It seems like God is the one who knows what is going on.”  (or something to that effect – and it almost knocked me over to hear him say that – because I am the one who is always talking to him about God, and giving him books to read, and telling him that I pray for him.  And he’s always the skeptic!  Okay – so that made the visit all worthwhile.)

And so I hope that God has begun a healing process, and He will complete it.

Family Meeting

March 30, 2013

Last night we had a “family meeting,” or "talk," or "chat" … One of our kids really didn’t like the “meeting” moniker – “too scary.”  This whole thing is scary for them.  They lose if I don’t get well. 

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O LORD hear my voice.  Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy…. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  (PS 130: 1, 2, 5, 6)

We went around and talked about the reality of the situation.  First and foremost our hope is planted in God; and the hope that He will heal completely.  We look for what He is “up to” – that is,  since He has allowed this, where is the good that will come about?  So, I guess I could say our hope is expressed three ways: 1) In God – our refuge; 2) In God – to bring healing, 3) In God – to bring good out of this.

Secondly, we talked about how we each cope.  One of Seth’s friends remarked to him earlier in the week that one of his coping mechanisms must be to do impulsive things.   He went and got his ears pierced this week!  I noted a couple of others: I guess I start writing; Ariana immediately texted friends for prayer as an outlet.

We realize that we have to distinguish between hiding and coping.  Watching TV or reading books can be our hiding strategies.  But the coping that seemed most helpful was talking to family and friends, staying busy with crafts, music, (not to hide, but to resist brooding), and staying in the Word.  The kids were rather adamant that I didn’t “stay strong” just for them.  They don’t want me to have that burden.  During my first cancer their response to “How are you doing?” was often, “Well mom seems to be joyful or strong, so we’re good too.”  They are very kind to give me permission to go bezerk if I need to.

We all agreed that we have to live each day.  And not to live it, necessarily like it’s our last, but live it normally.  I want them to continue on with their dreams.  Davita was ready to call off her semester in London – and that would be proper if I had only a few months; but since I have longer, I bless her to get on with it.  Ariana was thinking of foregoing Biola; she is so concerned about how we will pay for it; especially with this stuff looming; and she thought she just wanted to stay home with me; but we encouraged her to not make any such decision yet.  All things are still possible.  Seth reminds me that whether at work or school he can get home in an hour or two if need be – which would be “so much easier if I had a car.”  Was that a hint?

One thing we all heartily agreed on is that we want more family time.   We want to get away, just the five of us and create memories.  I’m a little nervous on the planning portion of that; it takes so much energy and decision-making.  (The amount of time researching alternative care is wearing me thin – but that gripe is for another day.)   So, may God give help and grace so we can pull something off this summer.  We are re-thinking the family going to Bolivia on a mission trip in June.   Not only do we need to get info from the doc, but we realize that we won’t necessarily be together.  We may all be on separate teams.  If I may have energy for just one trip this summer, it may be better for it to be a family trip.  So though Bolivia is an excellent way to minister together, will it end up frustrating us because of perhaps taking away what little time we have to dedicate to each other?  (Sure hope I’m not judged too severely for those thoughts.)

So that was the essence of it.  Dave led us in prayer; we shed a few tears together.  Mostly we were just “real” with each other.  I am most blessed by the fact that everyone is unanimous in wanting to build a stronger family bond... something they say we should do even if I was not facing this stuff.

I’m Not In Remission Anymore

Here I am, in therapy again – writing out / working out what’s in my brain.

This morning as I was preparing an aloe/honey concoction that is supposed to kill tumor cells, there was a knock at our door.  There was our neighbor Joe, looking weary, worn, emotional, asking if Dave was also around.  Dave must have heard, for he was at the door with me in an instant, and Joe told us his father-in-law, also our neighbor, was killed on the 605 FWY early yesterday morning.  We had not watched the news, we hadn’t heard.  We spent about 30 minutes with him, listening as he grieved, and shared the shock that they were all experiencing.  I promised him dinner tonight, and he was so grateful.  I wish, rather, I could have turned the clock back for all of them, and kept Joe (father-in-law) off the freeway.

In light of the pain of this sudden, horrible death, my prognosis seems like such a blessing.  Being wrenched out of life without the chance to ponder and love one last time; vs knowing you have some time?  Give me the warning.

I heard from the oncologist early evening yesterday, and surprisingly the CT Scan did not show the tumor we suspected... but it did show irregularities to my T10 vertebrae and ribs.  That would suggest bone cancer mets.  He said a bone biopsy would confirm that, but it is risky – so I may forego the confirmation.  We meet with him next Thursday, and will get greater detail on plan of attack.  I want to also explore ‘natural’ ways to deal with this.

He’s not sure why I have all the abdominal discomfort that I do.  Perhaps I take after my mom in this way, as she often has similar pains.  I guess this diagnosis explains my hurting back.  I figured it was “the tumor” that was pressing on my back and causing the pain.  But I suppose now, it is actually the bone cancer that is causing the pain.

I asked about prognosis, he says if treatment does not work - maybe 2 yrs,  if it does work - several years.

How am I feeling?  Actually kind of grateful.  I had begun thinking that I’d be facing 3 – 6 months.  Two years suddenly seems like such a huge gift… and there is the carrot dangling that if things work, “several more years.”  I recently asked God for 20 more years, and then we could have this conversation again.  I wonder, after I asked that, did he already remove an abdominal tumor that I surely thought I had?  Is He already at work, healing?  Nothing is too hard for God.  I recall during this Resurrection season, that even Jesus asked that “this cup be removed” from him.  Not my will, but His.

Of course I ponder Joe Sr.  What happened to him can happen to any of us.  None of us know the time or the season that we will be suddenly snatched.  Two years, several years, tomorrow at 9 a.m.?

I feel most acutely for my husband, our kids, my mom.   Not that I am all that important; yet my absence from these special people will profoundly affect their lives.  Not even that I’m that great of a wife, mom, or daughter – but we do get rather accustomed to that wife, mom, and daughter that we have.  I know that God will show up for each of them, and bring his presence and help.  However, the practically is it will be pretty difficult; it will be an adjustment.  I really don’t want them to have to face that adjustment.

I also feel for the extended family,  so much loss this past year or two.  The funerals have been sadly, quite regular, and unexpected.  And I must ask, for what purpose?  Since I believe that God will bring good out of all bad,  He will not let evil prevail.  Yes, it appeared satan won when he took Jesus out… but look who really won!  All of us!  This is the greatest example of taking something bad and turning it to good.  We all need to look with expectation to God when these things happen.   Rather than asking simply, “Why God?”  We should be asking, “What are you up to now God?  What do you want me to learn?  Who do you want me to better understand?  Who can I serve?”  And then be ready for the good.

So, today, my bottom line is pretty squiggly.  I’m feeling grateful, expectant, sad, confused (not about life, but about all the options of care and treatment we’ll have to figure out).  Please pray for all of us.  This is surely not just about me.  It affects everyone around me.  Pray for healing; and/or wisdom in choosing the correct treatment plan.

(And pray for out neighbor Joe, and his family.  Pray for my mom too.  Moms take things hard when it affects their kids… write her, encourage her.)

Fear God - Then nothing else is Fearful!

During the holidays I had been battling fears of cancer returning.   God began speaking to me about the need to keep my eyes on him, and that fear would dissolve.  Whereas last year’s theme was to “be still and know that He is God,” in January it changed to:

Psalm 112: 7-8, “A righteous person will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord; His heart is secure, He will have No Fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.  Also Psalm 147:11 Fear the LORD – The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Over the last couple of months I have been feeling unwell.  No pain, rather discomfort, pressure, low energy, more naps needed, less energy for hiking and exercising.  With a mission trip to Bolivia around the corner, I thought I had better move up the appointment to my oncologist just to make sure everything was all right.  I emailed my symptoms to him, asked if he would run my blood tests 6 weeks earlier than usual, and he okayed everything.  He said, that surprisingly, the day I was going in for blood work, he even had open appointments.  I generally have to book at least 2 weeks in advance to see him.

On Thursday, I went in.  My favorite nurse was there to draw my blood.  I explained my situation; she looked up my “tumor marker” numbers from blood tests of the last 3 years.  They were great – she was sure that number would still be low.

I was in and out of the lab so fast, and I was feeling so well, I decided that I was a total hypochondriac, and decided that I wouldn’t  wait 2 hours to see my oncologist.  But since his office was right around the corner, on the way to the exit, I stopped by.  Minor miracle again – he took me right in.  I had beat his first afternoon appointment, and he had arrived early.  In the exam room, the nurse had written something akin to:

 “The remarkable thing about God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else.”

Okay… does all this mean something fearful is coming my way?  Yet, the messages are giving me peace.

Doc ordered CT Scan and a return appointment in two weeks.  I argued with him, as I generally do, over things that might cause more cancer – like radiation!  I told him to order it, and I would think it over.  I left without making the 2 week appointment… “what was the point?  I am feeling fine.  I really just need to start exercising more and taking my vitamins.”

The next day, in the evening, just 2 days ago, I checked my emails.  My lab work had come in.  I logged in and checked the tumor marker first.  I could not believe my eyes, it didn’t go up just a little, but over a 100 points.  It left “normal” in the dust.  Then followed the email from the doc.  “Schedule the CT Scan, your readings are elevated.  Need a biopsy.  See you in two weeks.”

CA 27-29 now had me curious.  What does this test do?  Is it accurate?  I learned that it is used to track breast cancer - when the cancer metastasizes.  It can also track benign tumors, colon cancer, etc.  So, now I wait.  Have to do the CT Scan this week.  

I can’t say I’m in perfect peace.  One of those sores popped out on my lip.  I think once I know what is going on, I can start dealing better.  I have had more discomfort than ever since the email…is that psycho-somatic?  Who can say?  But throughout the day, yesterday, I would suddenly feel well, really well.  I sensed someone must be praying for me.  I would be flooded with peace, and the  physical oddness would be gone.

 I have already decided that I will try to get to the Oasis of Hope for treatment, if it is needed.  A friend is taking me to a neuropathic doctor this evening.  See, if it is cancer, and tied to the breast cancer, then it is stage 4.  I’m not wanting to ever take chemo again – so will seek health naturally.  Famous last words?  Who knows.  Just starting a journey?  Who knows.  Patience – and it will all soon be clarified.

So, if you labored through my thoughts – please pray.  Thanks.