And So I Hope

I have been encouraged today by the Lover of our Souls.  When I returned home from the oncologist and wanted time with God, I asked that He would speak to my soul, something personal and perfect … tell me what He’d like me to hear.  I went to Psalm 128, since that is the next one on my personal reading schedule, and it begins with ‘my theme:’ “Blessed are those who fear the LORD… “ and it ends with an incredible blessing, that speaks volumes of healing and promise to me: “and may you live to see your children’s children.”  Personal and perfect!

This has not been a day where peace reigned.  I was quite nervous about the upcoming oncologist appointment; quite overwhelmed with treatment options I’ve been researching.  I don’t know how I’ll ever make a decision on treatment.  I finally realized that I need to chill a bit, and remember that I know the All Wise One, the Healer, the Decider, the Revealer of Truth.  Okay, that helped… then on to the doctor.

What can I say?  Dare I hope?  I went in with dread, but came out with hope.  He had no sure answers - yet.  The full CT Scan report is now in my hands, and everything is worded carefully:  “cannot rule out subtle mets”  “lesion suggesting mets” “irregular lucency in right post rib, suggesting mets,” “subtle mets in this area cannot be ruled out.” Four areas of possible cancer mets – two in tissue, two in bone. 

The only way to know for sure is to do the bone biopsy.  He ordered it.  Bleh.   Ouch.

(I also learned that I had a “mild old compression fracture on my T9 vertebrae” – now was that from the rock climbing fall in my twenties? Or the inline skates fall in my 40’s? Or something I don’t even remember???) 

The high tumor marker?  The absence of an abdominal tumor?  He’s puzzled with that one.  All my previous symptoms pointed to a huge tumor.  I explained that after that high tumor marker test came in, I immediately asked for people to pray, and they did.  Before anything had changed, I told my family that for once, I couldn’t wait to have surgery, just so I could be comfortable again. I was very tired of carrying that “thing” around.   Then the uncomfortable heaviness in my abdomen disappeared.  It was gone by the time I went in for the CT scan.  How can that be explained, except that God answered prayer?  The doctor doesn’t know.  He said that the there are false positives with the tumor marker.  But after a pause, he added that he’d never seen a false positive that read as high as mine though.  Mine was about 130, the false positives he’s seen were 40.  Normal is about 30.  At my request, he finally ordered that test again.  I’m curious to see if it is lower now that my abdomen feels better.

We also talked about the possibility of colon cancer.  Apparently the CT Scan does not do a good job of catching that.  My markers for that also doubled in the last couple of months.  He wasn’t concerned, initially, because they were still in normal range.  However, since he’s not sure what is going on, he ordered a colonoscopy.  Lucky me.

I asked about getting permission for second opinions at Alternative Centers and City of Hope; but he said no one would see me until we get something concrete – back to the bone biopsy.  Bleh.  I really don’t want that.

The last question of the day.  “So what do I do in the meantime?”  “Well,” he answered, “It looks like prayer has been working.  Why don’t you keep that up.  It seems like God is the one who knows what is going on.”  (or something to that effect – and it almost knocked me over to hear him say that – because I am the one who is always talking to him about God, and giving him books to read, and telling him that I pray for him.  And he’s always the skeptic!  Okay – so that made the visit all worthwhile.)

And so I hope that God has begun a healing process, and He will complete it.

Family Meeting

March 30, 2013

Last night we had a “family meeting,” or "talk," or "chat" … One of our kids really didn’t like the “meeting” moniker – “too scary.”  This whole thing is scary for them.  They lose if I don’t get well. 

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O LORD hear my voice.  Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy…. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  (PS 130: 1, 2, 5, 6)

We went around and talked about the reality of the situation.  First and foremost our hope is planted in God; and the hope that He will heal completely.  We look for what He is “up to” – that is,  since He has allowed this, where is the good that will come about?  So, I guess I could say our hope is expressed three ways: 1) In God – our refuge; 2) In God – to bring healing, 3) In God – to bring good out of this.

Secondly, we talked about how we each cope.  One of Seth’s friends remarked to him earlier in the week that one of his coping mechanisms must be to do impulsive things.   He went and got his ears pierced this week!  I noted a couple of others: I guess I start writing; Ariana immediately texted friends for prayer as an outlet.

We realize that we have to distinguish between hiding and coping.  Watching TV or reading books can be our hiding strategies.  But the coping that seemed most helpful was talking to family and friends, staying busy with crafts, music, (not to hide, but to resist brooding), and staying in the Word.  The kids were rather adamant that I didn’t “stay strong” just for them.  They don’t want me to have that burden.  During my first cancer their response to “How are you doing?” was often, “Well mom seems to be joyful or strong, so we’re good too.”  They are very kind to give me permission to go bezerk if I need to.

We all agreed that we have to live each day.  And not to live it, necessarily like it’s our last, but live it normally.  I want them to continue on with their dreams.  Davita was ready to call off her semester in London – and that would be proper if I had only a few months; but since I have longer, I bless her to get on with it.  Ariana was thinking of foregoing Biola; she is so concerned about how we will pay for it; especially with this stuff looming; and she thought she just wanted to stay home with me; but we encouraged her to not make any such decision yet.  All things are still possible.  Seth reminds me that whether at work or school he can get home in an hour or two if need be – which would be “so much easier if I had a car.”  Was that a hint?

One thing we all heartily agreed on is that we want more family time.   We want to get away, just the five of us and create memories.  I’m a little nervous on the planning portion of that; it takes so much energy and decision-making.  (The amount of time researching alternative care is wearing me thin – but that gripe is for another day.)   So, may God give help and grace so we can pull something off this summer.  We are re-thinking the family going to Bolivia on a mission trip in June.   Not only do we need to get info from the doc, but we realize that we won’t necessarily be together.  We may all be on separate teams.  If I may have energy for just one trip this summer, it may be better for it to be a family trip.  So though Bolivia is an excellent way to minister together, will it end up frustrating us because of perhaps taking away what little time we have to dedicate to each other?  (Sure hope I’m not judged too severely for those thoughts.)

So that was the essence of it.  Dave led us in prayer; we shed a few tears together.  Mostly we were just “real” with each other.  I am most blessed by the fact that everyone is unanimous in wanting to build a stronger family bond... something they say we should do even if I was not facing this stuff.

I’m Not In Remission Anymore

Here I am, in therapy again – writing out / working out what’s in my brain.

This morning as I was preparing an aloe/honey concoction that is supposed to kill tumor cells, there was a knock at our door.  There was our neighbor Joe, looking weary, worn, emotional, asking if Dave was also around.  Dave must have heard, for he was at the door with me in an instant, and Joe told us his father-in-law, also our neighbor, was killed on the 605 FWY early yesterday morning.  We had not watched the news, we hadn’t heard.  We spent about 30 minutes with him, listening as he grieved, and shared the shock that they were all experiencing.  I promised him dinner tonight, and he was so grateful.  I wish, rather, I could have turned the clock back for all of them, and kept Joe (father-in-law) off the freeway.

In light of the pain of this sudden, horrible death, my prognosis seems like such a blessing.  Being wrenched out of life without the chance to ponder and love one last time; vs knowing you have some time?  Give me the warning.

I heard from the oncologist early evening yesterday, and surprisingly the CT Scan did not show the tumor we suspected... but it did show irregularities to my T10 vertebrae and ribs.  That would suggest bone cancer mets.  He said a bone biopsy would confirm that, but it is risky – so I may forego the confirmation.  We meet with him next Thursday, and will get greater detail on plan of attack.  I want to also explore ‘natural’ ways to deal with this.

He’s not sure why I have all the abdominal discomfort that I do.  Perhaps I take after my mom in this way, as she often has similar pains.  I guess this diagnosis explains my hurting back.  I figured it was “the tumor” that was pressing on my back and causing the pain.  But I suppose now, it is actually the bone cancer that is causing the pain.

I asked about prognosis, he says if treatment does not work - maybe 2 yrs,  if it does work - several years.

How am I feeling?  Actually kind of grateful.  I had begun thinking that I’d be facing 3 – 6 months.  Two years suddenly seems like such a huge gift… and there is the carrot dangling that if things work, “several more years.”  I recently asked God for 20 more years, and then we could have this conversation again.  I wonder, after I asked that, did he already remove an abdominal tumor that I surely thought I had?  Is He already at work, healing?  Nothing is too hard for God.  I recall during this Resurrection season, that even Jesus asked that “this cup be removed” from him.  Not my will, but His.

Of course I ponder Joe Sr.  What happened to him can happen to any of us.  None of us know the time or the season that we will be suddenly snatched.  Two years, several years, tomorrow at 9 a.m.?

I feel most acutely for my husband, our kids, my mom.   Not that I am all that important; yet my absence from these special people will profoundly affect their lives.  Not even that I’m that great of a wife, mom, or daughter – but we do get rather accustomed to that wife, mom, and daughter that we have.  I know that God will show up for each of them, and bring his presence and help.  However, the practically is it will be pretty difficult; it will be an adjustment.  I really don’t want them to have to face that adjustment.

I also feel for the extended family,  so much loss this past year or two.  The funerals have been sadly, quite regular, and unexpected.  And I must ask, for what purpose?  Since I believe that God will bring good out of all bad,  He will not let evil prevail.  Yes, it appeared satan won when he took Jesus out… but look who really won!  All of us!  This is the greatest example of taking something bad and turning it to good.  We all need to look with expectation to God when these things happen.   Rather than asking simply, “Why God?”  We should be asking, “What are you up to now God?  What do you want me to learn?  Who do you want me to better understand?  Who can I serve?”  And then be ready for the good.

So, today, my bottom line is pretty squiggly.  I’m feeling grateful, expectant, sad, confused (not about life, but about all the options of care and treatment we’ll have to figure out).  Please pray for all of us.  This is surely not just about me.  It affects everyone around me.  Pray for healing; and/or wisdom in choosing the correct treatment plan.

(And pray for out neighbor Joe, and his family.  Pray for my mom too.  Moms take things hard when it affects their kids… write her, encourage her.)

Fear God - Then nothing else is Fearful!

During the holidays I had been battling fears of cancer returning.   God began speaking to me about the need to keep my eyes on him, and that fear would dissolve.  Whereas last year’s theme was to “be still and know that He is God,” in January it changed to:

Psalm 112: 7-8, “A righteous person will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord; His heart is secure, He will have No Fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.  Also Psalm 147:11 Fear the LORD – The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Over the last couple of months I have been feeling unwell.  No pain, rather discomfort, pressure, low energy, more naps needed, less energy for hiking and exercising.  With a mission trip to Bolivia around the corner, I thought I had better move up the appointment to my oncologist just to make sure everything was all right.  I emailed my symptoms to him, asked if he would run my blood tests 6 weeks earlier than usual, and he okayed everything.  He said, that surprisingly, the day I was going in for blood work, he even had open appointments.  I generally have to book at least 2 weeks in advance to see him.

On Thursday, I went in.  My favorite nurse was there to draw my blood.  I explained my situation; she looked up my “tumor marker” numbers from blood tests of the last 3 years.  They were great – she was sure that number would still be low.

I was in and out of the lab so fast, and I was feeling so well, I decided that I was a total hypochondriac, and decided that I wouldn’t  wait 2 hours to see my oncologist.  But since his office was right around the corner, on the way to the exit, I stopped by.  Minor miracle again – he took me right in.  I had beat his first afternoon appointment, and he had arrived early.  In the exam room, the nurse had written something akin to:

 “The remarkable thing about God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else.”

Okay… does all this mean something fearful is coming my way?  Yet, the messages are giving me peace.

Doc ordered CT Scan and a return appointment in two weeks.  I argued with him, as I generally do, over things that might cause more cancer – like radiation!  I told him to order it, and I would think it over.  I left without making the 2 week appointment… “what was the point?  I am feeling fine.  I really just need to start exercising more and taking my vitamins.”

The next day, in the evening, just 2 days ago, I checked my emails.  My lab work had come in.  I logged in and checked the tumor marker first.  I could not believe my eyes, it didn’t go up just a little, but over a 100 points.  It left “normal” in the dust.  Then followed the email from the doc.  “Schedule the CT Scan, your readings are elevated.  Need a biopsy.  See you in two weeks.”

CA 27-29 now had me curious.  What does this test do?  Is it accurate?  I learned that it is used to track breast cancer - when the cancer metastasizes.  It can also track benign tumors, colon cancer, etc.  So, now I wait.  Have to do the CT Scan this week.  

I can’t say I’m in perfect peace.  One of those sores popped out on my lip.  I think once I know what is going on, I can start dealing better.  I have had more discomfort than ever since the email…is that psycho-somatic?  Who can say?  But throughout the day, yesterday, I would suddenly feel well, really well.  I sensed someone must be praying for me.  I would be flooded with peace, and the  physical oddness would be gone.

 I have already decided that I will try to get to the Oasis of Hope for treatment, if it is needed.  A friend is taking me to a neuropathic doctor this evening.  See, if it is cancer, and tied to the breast cancer, then it is stage 4.  I’m not wanting to ever take chemo again – so will seek health naturally.  Famous last words?  Who knows.  Just starting a journey?  Who knows.  Patience – and it will all soon be clarified.

So, if you labored through my thoughts – please pray.  Thanks.

A Better Tuesday – Choosing Life

Walking home after the PP stint today, I hummed some praise songs and asked God to bring some relief, some joy, from the grief I felt.  I wondered into a new juice bar that I noticed for the first time today in the market on Greenleaf and Mar Vista.  I was quickly in conversation with a woman who was probably planted there as advertisement, as she was very obviously enjoying her orange concoction of carrot, pineapple, and orange juice.

I told her what I had just been doing.  She told me about her 4^th pregnancy, an unwelcome surprise since she already had three kids, and the youngest was 11 years old.  She and her husband were sad; her family thought she was nuts to keep the child when she could abort.  Yet, she was determined to go through with it.  Three months into the pregnancy she miscarried.  She brought the little body of her baby to the emergency room.  And there she waited, and waited, and waited.  When she started bleeding again, she got the attention she needed.  But rather than rushing her in for the customary D & C, they did an ultrasound and discovered she was still pregnant.  She had been carrying twins, and one had survived the miscarriage.  Six months later she gave birth to a little girl. 

Six weeks later came the second shock!  She was pregnant again.  She made it clear to everyone that there would be no sadness and despair this time.  She had grieved over the baby she lost, and now counted this one as a blessing.  Because she was older, the OB wanted to do the amniocentesis.  She declined.  She knew she would keep the baby no matter what.  Her fifth child was a boy and had Down’s Syndrome.  She had no idea what that meant.  When she asked what to expect, she was told that he would not grow very tall. (Had she been told that he was “Mongoloid” she would have understood – but this Down’s Syndrome was a new term to her.)   She named him David, for she remembered in the Bible story, that David was not very tall, and was the youngest.

David has been a huge blessing to her.  He is now 25 years old.  He is the most affectionate and kind of all her kids.  He has a sixth sense about her emotions, and seems to know just the right things to say.  He is also full of faith and encouragement.  When her husband left her 10 years ago for another woman, David continued to tell her that he would be back.  One year ago, the husband returned – though difficult, they are working things out in their marriage.   It is because of her son’s faith, love, and automatic forgiveness that she is moving forward with mending her marriage.

Most parents abort their baby when they learn it may be Down’s Syndrome. (http://www.lifenews.com/2011/04/19/90-of-down-syndrome-children-aborted-survivors-bring-joy/)  I think it would be really hard to care for a handicapped child… but truth is, though obviously difficult, I have yet to hear a parent of a Down Syndrome child say anything but what a blessing their child is –they can’t imagine life without such a gift. (http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/children-with-down-syndrome-bring-joy.html)

Yes, God heard and answered my prayer.  I got to hear a story of a woman carrying two crisis pregnancies to term.  (Her family continues to live in poverty, yet she has never regretted choosing children over an “easier life.”) And I found a good juice bar!  I loved the carrot/apple/spinach drink!

Tuesday Download

On Tuesdays, just about a mile from my home, they are killing babies! (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/centerDetails.asp?f=2358&a=90070&v=details#!service=abortion)   I go there to try and stop them – by praying, talking, pleading.  So, on Tuesdays, when I get home, I am emotionally drained, spiritually grieved, and physically tired.  A nap always finds its place with me on Tuesday.  Yet, while I am there, I am so encouraged to be with other believers that set aside their time to try and save lives.  They are precious people – heroes.

Since I am unloading today – don’t expect this to be an easy or encouraging read.  Things coming from me on Tuesdays will always be hard.

Today there was an interesting situation.  A camera crew showed up from Channel 62. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KRCA)  Being the curious person I am, I approached the interviewer to ask why he was there. He explained to me that the house he was filming  (right next to the abortion mill parking lot) had dogs that bit four people yesterday. (http://www.whittierdailynews.com/ci_21088856/two-dogs-including-pitbull-bite-four-people-uptown). 

 I told him he was at the wrong location, that the real story was right next door, where I was.  I explained that there were 20 babies that would be killed in that building today.  He asked if I could arrange interviews with the victims, and before I could answer, he had his cameraman drive their vehicle into the parking lot of Planned Parenthood.  I soon came to realize that we had some translation problems – so I broke out my rusty Spanish and told him about the abortions, and that I am with a few people praying.  (And really – how do you interview murder victims?)

He admitted that it would be a great story, but for another time.  He said he would pitch the idea to his boss.  However, today he was hired to get the story of the dogs.  He spent the next several hours interviewing everyone who walked by.  I didn’t realize how many Spanish-speaking people walked right up Greenleaf everyday.  He was batting a thousand.  He never resorted to English.  I actually had just told him that Planned Parenthood is a concern, also because of its target of minorities.  Most of the young women who enter are Hispanic.  This is a mean genetic cleansing.

So, rather a sad commentary on what is newsworthy.  We can perform legal killings and the news coverage is non-existent.  It was true in Germany too, during World War II.  The Holocaust was happening – the legal killing of Jews – and there was no outcry from the neighborhood Germans.  There was no outcry from the workers who carried out the beyond-words-horrible-deed.  Though today – the Holocaust continues to be known as a  horrible blemish on Germany and the world for standing by for too long.  One day, when we all wake up to the horror of abortion, when eyes are opened, and excuses are seen for the lameness that they are – we will again be horror stricken that “man” could be so evil.

The news today:  Here is a house in which 2 dogs live.  They bit 4 people yesterday.  No one was seriously injured.

The news that should have been today:  Here is a building in which people are paid to kill and remove babies from the wombs of complicit women.  Twenty babies will die today.  Twenty women will have their lives permanently altered.

The Tale of Two Slopes

First of all - I actually have been writing a lot - just not getting it copied into my blog.  So, there may be a sudden glut of articles here.

 I have been sitting on this upcoming analogy for over a year.  Yesterday God added such a cool insight, that I decided it needs to come out of my journal and enter my blog.

            I enjoy the Whittier Hills – Helman Park is a place I hike regularly.  I get a free science lesson on how the change of seasons affects plant life, wildlife, and even dirt, just by keeping my eyes open.  There are two particular slopes that receive my regular observation – one north facing, and the other south facing – they face each other with a little canyon between.

                        A year ago I noticed that the south-facing slope was brown, virtually lifeless whereas the north-facing slope was full of green, healthy, tangled growth.  That south-facing slope is in direct sunlight – day in and day out.  There is no shade of protection.   The plant life in May was practically non-existent.  The terrain was laid bare for all to see – where the boulders were, and the holes.  It was a dried, almost shaved, hillside.  So. Cal. is dry, but if there were a chance of daily watering, even in the face of all that constant sunlight, this slope would probably be quite verdant.

             Now I will personify that slope.  It makes me think of a person who faces hardships and trials with virtually nothing to protect him from a new onslaught each day.  It’s like having a string of bad luck.  Without any “water,” this one would remain dry, barren and exposed.  There would be no question of his faults, they would be visible for all to see.  We all know people like this.  They are overwhelmed, sad, and maybe depressed.  We wonder if they are wearing a “kick me” sign for all the little demons to see.

            Yet we also see some of these battered people thrive if they have “water” – that is a daily and intense washing of the Word and the Holy Spirit. The Word will give life and hope as the Holy Spirit fills and gives understanding.  So with plenty of the right, life giving input, someone can survive constant adversity.  Though this particular slope seemed to be simply in survival mode.

            The north facing slope, on the other hand was an expanse of thick, green foliage of many types. There were no paths; one could not even conceive of making a way through that branchy thickness.  This side did not receive any more rain than the barren side.  But it goes to show how “healthy,” nature can be without the relentless burn of the sun.  This side received light, but not direct, burning sunshine.  This hill was always in the shade, facing away from the sun.  It was so strange to see such entirely different landscapes within just yards of each other.

            So what type of person would this be? Those who experience little hardship really can flourish – be healthy – be beautiful – grab all the gusto of life - dig their roots deep -  'seemingly' without the constant drinking of the water, the Word.  Perhaps they are in a healthy enough environment, that they can thrive with just enough “light” – just enough of God-time or fellowship.  Ah, but looking at the opposite slope – how quickly they could fall and dry up with constant adversity.  Though, with that deep root system, it may take a lot to shake their foundation.

            It is a bit sobering to realize how quickly our life can change if we are not accustomed to drinking daily from the Word and being filled daily by the Holy Spirit.  Just by adding some searing experiences, some hard times – we could become that south slope- all dried up, exposed, and empty.

There is more to come… I did a lot of walking in these hills.  More analogies came to me.  Stay tuned.  Next time, we'll get to my new insight.